I've spent my whole life trying to connect to myself and other people. I feel raw and needy but I don't think anyone can help me. I've carried with me, since early childhood, an aloneness that I've only heard described by people going through the dark night of the soul and suffering intense existential pain.
I disassociate and feel like nothing is intense enough to reach me, and at the same time the superficiality of world is skinning me alive. When I do feel deeply connected to someone and safe and whole (which is rare), it is always someone who claims to love me but can't stay attached. Nor can she deal with the taboo nature of our relationship for very long. The loneliness and sheer body hunger I feel from a lifetime on the planet alone (inside of more aloneness, inside of more aloneness) has caused me to investigate many diverse avenues in search of fulfillment that range the spectrum from holding therapy to zen buddhism, encounter groups, medication, meditation, metaphysics, you name it.
Nothing seems to change anything. I don't know what to do anymore and I don't have the faith or the tools to deal with this grief for much longer. Truthfully, I'm beginning to think the only solution is to transition off the planet and return to the Source where I can finally be free. Looking at my chart, is there anything I can do to change this situation?
Starved And Lonely
It is always darkest before the dawn, this is a universal truth. I am sorry I have sat on your letter for more than a week, but good God, girl! This is a lot to process. And I know your pain is real. It is reflected in your chart in ways that are unmistakable. You are you, and this is your experience on this plane. However, I do detect a few things that may help you move through some of this.