No, you haven't seen everything. If you've been here eight days, sightseeing ten hours of every day, been to all the Smithsonians, gotten the VIP tour of the Capitol and the Supreme Court and the White House led by your Congressional Representative, been to the top of the Washington Monument, walked around each of the monuments and memorials, checked out Woodrow Wilson's house, been to service at the National Cathedral, had lunch at Ben's Chili Bowl, climbed the stairs from The Exorcist, saw the parking garage where Woodward talked to Deep Throat, caught 1776 at Ford's Theater, saw Shear Madness at the Kennedy Center, had dinner at the Watergate, shopped in Georgetown; walked to Hains Point, visited the FBI and the Treasury and the National Archives, and spotted Sam Donaldson at Kinkead's, you haven't seen everything. Dig a little deeper! Go find the weird things that aren't on the news! Check out the World's Largest Rocking Chair!
Did I mention standing to the right on the metro escalator? That's really important.Fifteen universal tips? That's enough. Here are some personal pet peeves of mine.
- Why do you want to go to T.G.I. Friday's in D.C.? You can go to that at home, for God's sake.
- If you went to the Air and Space Museum when you were here three years ago, why go again? It hasn't changed. There are so many world-class museums you haven't been to. The Hirshhorn is on one side of Air & Space and the Museum of the American Indian is on the other. They're both great. I promise you, they haven't moved the Spirit of St. Louis since the last time you saw it.
- The license plates say TAXATION WITHOUT REPRESENTATION for a reason. Ask someone about it. I promise; that's one question we don't hear often enough.
- Make public jokes about Marion Barry at your own risk.
That's enough for now (although I reserve the right to add more to the list if they come up). These will make your trip to D.C. happier, healthier, and less annoying to the rest of us.
Michael J. West is a writer, editor, and dilettante jazz critic in Washington, D.C. In addition to BlogCritics, he writes for JazzTimes, Washington City Paper, and AllAboutJazz.com. He occasionally writes at Pop Musicology, too. He's very cute. …
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Article comments
1 - Dave Lifton
As a fellow DC resident, I cannot endorse this post highly enough. Hey, if it's tourist season, does that mean we can shoot them?
2 - Michael J. West
I've proposed that resolution to the D.C. Council every year, and it always loses by one vote. Damn you, Phil Mendelson!
*Shakes fist menacingly*
3 - Jay daSilva
Amen and allelujah! Great post. Here's another reason to hate tourists: they pile off their tour buses at a downtown McDonalds during the middle of lunch hour then proceed to stand at the front of the counter staring at the menu like it was written in Martian, or as if we have a completely different menu here in D.C. than they have in Des Moines. Folks, a Big Mac is a friggin' Big Mac. There are no Royales with Cheese here.
Another tourist-on-the-Metro pet peeve: how each member of a family of six needs to have his own seat and how they scramble to bunch back together when they get to someplace like Metro Center or L'Enfant Plaza and a human tidal wave comes pouring in through the doors.
Funny Metro-Tourist experience: a white middle class family at Gallery Place/Chinatown gets on a Green Line train heading in the direction of Branch Avenue when they clearly wanted to be on the Yellow Line to Huntington. The great majority of riders heading in the direction of Branch Avenue are Afrian-American, most of whom are completely non-threatening. The look of terror on the faces of the kids and concern on the parents' faces was almost comical and they got off the train at Navy Yard once they realized they were not on their way into Virginia.
4 - Jynessa
I have three rules for tourists on the Metro.
#1 Travel only 10am to 3pm
#2 Travel only 10am to 3pm
#3 Travel only 10am to 3pm
There is no need for tired, cranky commuters in the morning to have to accept the fact that you and your 10 children or bus load of midwestern off-color-t-shirt wearing douche runoffs need to get to the National Mall before it opens. FYI, its grass... GRASS. There is no Barnes and Noble, GAP or anything of the like. I overheard a conversation about this between two small girls, while sitting in their own seats and senior citizens struggle to reach the new overhead bars.
Anyways, in my very haphazard rambling.
TOURISTS, DO NOT TRAVEL ON THE METRO DURING RUSH HOUR!!!!
5 - kj
Just thought that you should all know that the subway tips are great! I am a future tourist of the DC area and look forward to my visit. Please remember that it is everyone's right to visit such an important hub of American History. I live in a city that is also a major tourist attraction and I understand your frustrations but please,try to remember that you are a tourist as well when you go other places. I have people ask me directions all the time and I am happy to give them as a representative of my city. That is all I wanted to say except Thank you for the warmest welcome to your fine city!
6 - jennifer
I accidentally came across this blog because I am going to DC next week and wanted to get the lay of the land.
Wow. A lot of very unhappy people that love to lash out on tourists. The negativity that comes across on your blog reads off the charts. You must be a very unhappy person.
7 - sandra
peronal attacks are not allowed.....unless they are against tourists?
Sheesh makes me want to reconsider and stay in San Francisco.
8 - Mike Licht
We have ways of dealing with annoying tourists.
9 - ryan
Well Sandra, you truly have made this post worthwhile. If we can prevent one dumb tourist looking for secret service guys to take pictures with them, im happy.
10 - Keri
Wow. I've lived in cities where there is a lot of tourism and I have never felt like shooting one of them. I am going to be traveling to D.C. this coming summer for the first time and if this is a sampling of the people's attitudes there then I am disgusted already.
Someone sure needs to knock you off of your high horse and tell you to get a grip!
11 - LJ
Oh my! What a bunch of a**holes! I live in Oregon, VERY near Crater Lake, we have tourist from all over the WORLD here, all year long and I have never ONCE, thought of them as a nuisance or wanted to "shoot them"! I feel very blessed to live in this part of OUR United States of America and I am so Happy to be able to take part in sharing it with others who come here to view it. I feel joy, in seeing their amazed faces, when they step out of their car or buses and see the view for the first time AND I am more then happy to take a photo of them with Crater Lake behind them, with their own camera.Believe me, if and when you come here, YOU will do the same thing. I see this place on a daily basis, yes, I sometimes take for granted the beautiful sights I live around but, I have NEVER lost sight of the fact that I live in a "tourist region"! It comes with choosing to live here and we welcome it!
I am spending my honeymoon, in D.C. in March. We chose D.C., because it is a place that we ADMIRE! You have sights there that I have long to see with my own eyes, my entire life, not just in photo's! Places that I consider magnificent and beautiful! Places that represent "AMERICA"!! Why is it so wrong in your eyes, that I come there to see it? Maybe YOU should leave! Washington D.C. is the "home" of ALL American citizens and if you can't accept that then, LEAVE! I feel ashamed that people like YOU live in it! It is people like YOU, are who gives American's a bad name.
12 - Deena
Change the idiosyncrasies and this applies to any major city. That being said, it is fantastic advice! I'm a big endorser of walk left, stand right.
13 - Chris
I concur with the other blogger. I'm kinda sad to think I'm visiting there next week also and this person hates tourists so much. He probably forgets how much money we spend when we go on vacations...
14 - andy
Wow! talk about unhappy people. Don't wear a flag pin. I bet you voted Democrat. Typical
15 - niko
Wow, unbelievable. I cannot believe that some of you are so self-centered that you would want to shoot a tourist. No wonder the rest of the world calls us ugly Americans. They must hasve visited Washington DC first. My family and I will be visiting DC next week, please don't ruin my year old's vacation with your bad attitudes. He is the reason that we are coming there. He wanted to see the White House and all of the museums, since he was 9. The next time you all travel to Texas we will show you how to treat tourists. We appreciate them down here. We even open the door for them and let them walk through first.
16 - Ruvy
Well, Mike, you convinced me that I do not ever want to be in Washington DC again in my entire life. With your attitudes and those of your fellow residents, if the Persians or Chinese nuke you all in DC to Kingdom Come, it won't be any real loss.
I grew up in New York and coped with tourists all the time. It's simple, Mike - you gawk at them while they gawk at the skyscrapers. And as a police volunteer in Jerusalem I deal with tourists all the time as well. I tell them where to go - which is precisely what they want to know. And when I find out that they are Jews I tell them what they really need to hear - "welcome home!"
Given that you live in the capital of what used to be the greatest country in the world ("eight miles high and fallin' fast"), you would do well to learn a little of that attitude - and gawk at the tourists as they gawk at the Washington Monument - while they still think your city is important enough to visit.
17 - Kristi
I agree with the HIGH HORSE comment