Travel Tips for the Washington, D.C. Tourist - Page 2

Author: Michael J. West — Published: Apr 03, 2007 at 8:11 pm 17 comments

  • That photo you want us to take of you where it looks like you've got the Washington Monument in your hand? Not funny, not cute, not clever, not creative.

  • Yelling "Forrest!" "Jennay!" at the Lincoln Memorial? Not funny, not cute, not clever, not creative.

  • Asserting a bit of your hometown "local color," like the assholes next door to my office this evening who sang "Happy Birthday" to each other at the top of their lungs a dozen times? Not funny, not cute, not clever, not creative -and not original. We heard it from 21 other assholes from your hometown last weekend.

  • The homeless guy screaming obscenities at you from across 17th Street is harmless. Another perfectly understandable scenario: scary dude yells at you across the street, you get a little scared. Cruel as it may seem, you're also going to get laughs.

  • If you want to get screamed at in the most offensive language imaginable — things it never even occurred to you to warn your kids never to say — then scold the clusters of small children you see having fistfights with each other and saying, "Fucking bitch-ass cunt." It's English as they can't teach it in schools!

  • Don't ask us why there is no J Street. It's a long story, and we've heard the question enough times that we're likely to just make something up.

  • Don't ask us why there aren't more Chinese people in Chinatown. It's a long story and it features sermons about gentrification and urban crime hotspots. If you ask, we're going to tell it to you.

  • For the love of God, if you're on Pennsylvania Avenue downtown, don’t ask us how to get to the White House. I feel confident you can figure it out.

  • If you find yourself in line at the hot-dog cart talking to a guy whose job is to pick up Senator Bayh (D-IN) from the airport at 11:30 on a Saturday night, remember this: His job isn't glamorous. It's boring at best and infuriating at worst. He isn't thrilled to be rubbing shoulders with the people who make the laws of this great nation. He's grumbling because he'd rather be watching the ballgame and hitting on girls at his favorite bar in Georgetown.

  • Don't ask anyone you meet out and about in the city who the nominee is going to be in 2008. That's the kind of thing they have to deal with 40 hours a week (if they're lucky). They're out and about in the city right now trying to get away from talking about that shit.

  • However, don't assume everyone you run into is a government employee, a government contractor, a lobbyist, or a lawyer. Many of us are dentists, writers, waitresses, bookstore owners, nonprofit or association workers, PR executives, and CVS clerks. That's right, just like you! This balance isn't as delicate as you may think, though, because those people don't want to be asked about the nominee in 2008 either. Trust me, they talk about that shit all the time, too.

    • Continued on the next page Page 1 — Page 2 — Page 3

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    Article Author: Michael J. West

    Michael J. West is a writer, editor, and dilettante jazz critic in Washington, D.C. In addition to BlogCritics, he writes for JazzTimes, Washington City Paper, and AllAboutJazz.com. He occasionally writes at Pop Musicology, too. He's very cute. …

    Visit Michael J. West's author page — Michael J. West's Blog

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    • 1 - Dave Lifton

      Apr 04, 2007 at 12:31 am

      As a fellow DC resident, I cannot endorse this post highly enough. Hey, if it's tourist season, does that mean we can shoot them?

    • 2 - Michael J. West

      Apr 04, 2007 at 7:33 am

      I've proposed that resolution to the D.C. Council every year, and it always loses by one vote. Damn you, Phil Mendelson!

      *Shakes fist menacingly*

    • 3 - Jay daSilva

      Apr 10, 2007 at 3:41 pm

      Amen and allelujah! Great post. Here's another reason to hate tourists: they pile off their tour buses at a downtown McDonalds during the middle of lunch hour then proceed to stand at the front of the counter staring at the menu like it was written in Martian, or as if we have a completely different menu here in D.C. than they have in Des Moines. Folks, a Big Mac is a friggin' Big Mac. There are no Royales with Cheese here.

      Another tourist-on-the-Metro pet peeve: how each member of a family of six needs to have his own seat and how they scramble to bunch back together when they get to someplace like Metro Center or L'Enfant Plaza and a human tidal wave comes pouring in through the doors.

      Funny Metro-Tourist experience: a white middle class family at Gallery Place/Chinatown gets on a Green Line train heading in the direction of Branch Avenue when they clearly wanted to be on the Yellow Line to Huntington. The great majority of riders heading in the direction of Branch Avenue are Afrian-American, most of whom are completely non-threatening. The look of terror on the faces of the kids and concern on the parents' faces was almost comical and they got off the train at Navy Yard once they realized they were not on their way into Virginia.

    • 4 - Jynessa

      Jun 11, 2007 at 1:20 pm

      I have three rules for tourists on the Metro.

      #1 Travel only 10am to 3pm
      #2 Travel only 10am to 3pm
      #3 Travel only 10am to 3pm

      There is no need for tired, cranky commuters in the morning to have to accept the fact that you and your 10 children or bus load of midwestern off-color-t-shirt wearing douche runoffs need to get to the National Mall before it opens. FYI, its grass... GRASS. There is no Barnes and Noble, GAP or anything of the like. I overheard a conversation about this between two small girls, while sitting in their own seats and senior citizens struggle to reach the new overhead bars.

      Anyways, in my very haphazard rambling.

      TOURISTS, DO NOT TRAVEL ON THE METRO DURING RUSH HOUR!!!!

    • 5 - kj

      Jan 17, 2008 at 9:21 am

      Just thought that you should all know that the subway tips are great! I am a future tourist of the DC area and look forward to my visit. Please remember that it is everyone's right to visit such an important hub of American History. I live in a city that is also a major tourist attraction and I understand your frustrations but please,try to remember that you are a tourist as well when you go other places. I have people ask me directions all the time and I am happy to give them as a representative of my city. That is all I wanted to say except Thank you for the warmest welcome to your fine city!

    • 6 - jennifer

      Apr 05, 2008 at 9:27 am

      I accidentally came across this blog because I am going to DC next week and wanted to get the lay of the land.
      Wow. A lot of very unhappy people that love to lash out on tourists. The negativity that comes across on your blog reads off the charts. You must be a very unhappy person.

    • 7 - sandra

      Apr 24, 2008 at 1:51 pm

      peronal attacks are not allowed.....unless they are against tourists?

      Sheesh makes me want to reconsider and stay in San Francisco.

    • 8 - Mike Licht

      Jun 08, 2008 at 8:11 pm

      We have ways of dealing with annoying tourists.

    • 9 - ryan

      Jul 13, 2008 at 8:16 pm

      Well Sandra, you truly have made this post worthwhile. If we can prevent one dumb tourist looking for secret service guys to take pictures with them, im happy.

    • 10 - Keri

      Oct 19, 2008 at 7:14 pm

      Wow. I've lived in cities where there is a lot of tourism and I have never felt like shooting one of them. I am going to be traveling to D.C. this coming summer for the first time and if this is a sampling of the people's attitudes there then I am disgusted already.
      Someone sure needs to knock you off of your high horse and tell you to get a grip!

    • 11 - LJ

      Jan 08, 2009 at 1:44 pm

      Oh my! What a bunch of a**holes! I live in Oregon, VERY near Crater Lake, we have tourist from all over the WORLD here, all year long and I have never ONCE, thought of them as a nuisance or wanted to "shoot them"! I feel very blessed to live in this part of OUR United States of America and I am so Happy to be able to take part in sharing it with others who come here to view it. I feel joy, in seeing their amazed faces, when they step out of their car or buses and see the view for the first time AND I am more then happy to take a photo of them with Crater Lake behind them, with their own camera.Believe me, if and when you come here, YOU will do the same thing. I see this place on a daily basis, yes, I sometimes take for granted the beautiful sights I live around but, I have NEVER lost sight of the fact that I live in a "tourist region"! It comes with choosing to live here and we welcome it!
      I am spending my honeymoon, in D.C. in March. We chose D.C., because it is a place that we ADMIRE! You have sights there that I have long to see with my own eyes, my entire life, not just in photo's! Places that I consider magnificent and beautiful! Places that represent "AMERICA"!! Why is it so wrong in your eyes, that I come there to see it? Maybe YOU should leave! Washington D.C. is the "home" of ALL American citizens and if you can't accept that then, LEAVE! I feel ashamed that people like YOU live in it! It is people like YOU, are who gives American's a bad name.

    • 12 - Deena

      Jan 08, 2009 at 11:22 pm

      Change the idiosyncrasies and this applies to any major city. That being said, it is fantastic advice! I'm a big endorser of walk left, stand right.

    • 13 - Chris

      Feb 17, 2009 at 1:54 pm

      I concur with the other blogger. I'm kinda sad to think I'm visiting there next week also and this person hates tourists so much. He probably forgets how much money we spend when we go on vacations...

    • 14 - andy

      Feb 21, 2009 at 11:14 pm

      Wow! talk about unhappy people. Don't wear a flag pin. I bet you voted Democrat. Typical

    • 15 - niko

      Jul 14, 2009 at 11:06 pm

      Wow, unbelievable. I cannot believe that some of you are so self-centered that you would want to shoot a tourist. No wonder the rest of the world calls us ugly Americans. They must hasve visited Washington DC first. My family and I will be visiting DC next week, please don't ruin my year old's vacation with your bad attitudes. He is the reason that we are coming there. He wanted to see the White House and all of the museums, since he was 9. The next time you all travel to Texas we will show you how to treat tourists. We appreciate them down here. We even open the door for them and let them walk through first.

    • 16 - Ruvy

      Jul 15, 2009 at 3:02 am

      Well, Mike, you convinced me that I do not ever want to be in Washington DC again in my entire life. With your attitudes and those of your fellow residents, if the Persians or Chinese nuke you all in DC to Kingdom Come, it won't be any real loss.

      I grew up in New York and coped with tourists all the time. It's simple, Mike - you gawk at them while they gawk at the skyscrapers. And as a police volunteer in Jerusalem I deal with tourists all the time as well. I tell them where to go - which is precisely what they want to know. And when I find out that they are Jews I tell them what they really need to hear - "welcome home!"

      Given that you live in the capital of what used to be the greatest country in the world ("eight miles high and fallin' fast"), you would do well to learn a little of that attitude - and gawk at the tourists as they gawk at the Washington Monument - while they still think your city is important enough to visit.

    • 17 - Kristi

      Jul 22, 2009 at 2:21 pm

      I agree with the HIGH HORSE comment

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