Spring is here at long last. After weeks of hiding behind chilly-to-freezing winds, and the sounds of drunken singers from Ohio at the hotel next door to my office, I have my strongest confirmation yet: it's that time of year in D.C. - tourist season.
This surely isn't a secret to anyone who regularly (or irregularly) visits big cities, tourist destinations, or big-city tourist destinations, but we don't like you. We feel like we're in an ant farm that exists for your benefit. You're gawking and crowding the sidewalks of our home, which, yes, we love, and that's why we made it part of our life. Hence, it is our life you're turning into a spectacle, asking us to take pictures of you, and stumbling around with no idea where you are – and may I add, asking us the same banal and annoying questions over and over again.
We can relate: we've been there. We were new here once and had to ask people how to get to the Supreme Court. I suspect that with only a little bit of effort, you can relate to us, too. Once we've been here a single summer, we've had somebody ask us that ten times each week.
All of that said, here are some tips for those wary of Washington. These little tidbits might help you to blend in, not be such an obvious tourist (and therefore target) or, if not, at least make you more agreeable to the people who live and/or work here.
Ready?
- I can't stress enough: When you're on the escalators of the D.C. Metro, stand to the right and walk to the left. This includes your children. This is a busy city with people often having to run up and down the stairs of very long, very steep escalators that are almost always packed. It might be a question of national security that they get the train that's just pulling in, or they might just be pissed-off with a bottle they're willing to throw at your head. I was the recipient of such a bottle once when I'd lived here for a week. With you, I can't promise I won't be the thrower, but if you or your six-year-old are standing on the left, I promise that you or your kid deserve the throwing.
- Speaking of the Metro, pay attention to the maps. The color-coded subway lines are not that hard to figure out, and those little guidebooks you carry around almost always tell you what stop to get off at for the site you want to see.
- Don't wear those stupid little American Flag lapel pins on your casual shirt. Just don't. The only people who wear them work in the Capitol, and only when they wear suits, and only when they're going to be on NBC Nightly News.
- That photo you want us to take of you where it looks like you've got the Washington Monument in your hand? Not funny, not cute, not clever, not creative.
- Yelling "Forrest!" "Jennay!" at the Lincoln Memorial? Not funny, not cute, not clever, not creative.
- Asserting a bit of your hometown "local color," like the assholes next door to my office this evening who sang "Happy Birthday" to each other at the top of their lungs a dozen times? Not funny, not cute, not clever, not creative -and not original. We heard it from 21 other assholes from your hometown last weekend.
- The homeless guy screaming obscenities at you from across 17th Street is harmless. Another perfectly understandable scenario: scary dude yells at you across the street, you get a little scared. Cruel as it may seem, you're also going to get laughs.
- If you want to get screamed at in the most offensive language imaginable — things it never even occurred to you to warn your kids never to say — then scold the clusters of small children you see having fistfights with each other and saying, "Fucking bitch-ass cunt." It's English as they can't teach it in schools!
- Don't ask us why there is no J Street. It's a long story, and we've heard the question enough times that we're likely to just make something up.
- Don't ask us why there aren't more Chinese people in Chinatown. It's a long story and it features sermons about gentrification and urban crime hotspots. If you ask, we're going to tell it to you.
- For the love of God, if you're on Pennsylvania Avenue downtown, don’t ask us how to get to the White House. I feel confident you can figure it out.
- If you find yourself in line at the hot-dog cart talking to a guy whose job is to pick up Senator Bayh (D-IN) from the airport at 11:30 on a Saturday night, remember this: His job isn't glamorous. It's boring at best and infuriating at worst. He isn't thrilled to be rubbing shoulders with the people who make the laws of this great nation. He's grumbling because he'd rather be watching the ballgame and hitting on girls at his favorite bar in Georgetown.
- Don't ask anyone you meet out and about in the city who the nominee is going to be in 2008. That's the kind of thing they have to deal with 40 hours a week (if they're lucky). They're out and about in the city right now trying to get away from talking about that shit.
- However, don't assume everyone you run into is a government employee, a government contractor, a lobbyist, or a lawyer. Many of us are dentists, writers, waitresses, bookstore owners, nonprofit or association workers, PR executives, and CVS clerks. That's right, just like you! This balance isn't as delicate as you may think, though, because those people don't want to be asked about the nominee in 2008 either. Trust me, they talk about that shit all the time, too.
- No, you haven't seen everything. If you've been here eight days, sightseeing ten hours of every day, been to all the Smithsonians, gotten the VIP tour of the Capitol and the Supreme Court and the White House led by your Congressional Representative, been to the top of the Washington Monument, walked around each of the monuments and memorials, checked out Woodrow Wilson's house, been to service at the National Cathedral, had lunch at Ben's Chili Bowl, climbed the stairs from The Exorcist, saw the parking garage where Woodward talked to Deep Throat, caught 1776 at Ford's Theater, saw Shear Madness at the Kennedy Center, had dinner at the Watergate, shopped in Georgetown; walked to Hains Point, visited the FBI and the Treasury and the National Archives, and spotted Sam Donaldson at Kinkead's, you haven't seen everything. Dig a little deeper! Go find the weird things that aren't on the news! Check out the World's Largest Rocking Chair!
- Did I mention standing to the right on the metro escalator? That's really important.
Fifteen universal tips? That's enough. Here are some personal pet peeves of mine.
- Why do you want to go to T.G.I. Friday's in D.C.? You can go to that at home, for God's sake.
- If you went to the Air and Space Museum when you were here three years ago, why go again? It hasn't changed. There are so many world-class museums you haven't been to. The Hirshhorn is on one side of Air & Space and the Museum of the American Indian is on the other. They're both great. I promise you, they haven't moved the Spirit of St. Louis since the last time you saw it.
- The license plates say TAXATION WITHOUT REPRESENTATION for a reason. Ask someone about it. I promise; that's one question we don't hear often enough.
- Make public jokes about Marion Barry at your own risk.
That's enough for now (although I reserve the right to add more to the list if they come up). These will make your trip to D.C. happier, healthier, and less annoying to the rest of us.
Article comments
1 - Dave Lifton
As a fellow DC resident, I cannot endorse this post highly enough. Hey, if it's tourist season, does that mean we can shoot them?
2 - Michael J. West
I've proposed that resolution to the D.C. Council every year, and it always loses by one vote. Damn you, Phil Mendelson!
*Shakes fist menacingly*
3 - Jay daSilva
Amen and allelujah! Great post. Here's another reason to hate tourists: they pile off their tour buses at a downtown McDonalds during the middle of lunch hour then proceed to stand at the front of the counter staring at the menu like it was written in Martian, or as if we have a completely different menu here in D.C. than they have in Des Moines. Folks, a Big Mac is a friggin' Big Mac. There are no Royales with Cheese here.
Another tourist-on-the-Metro pet peeve: how each member of a family of six needs to have his own seat and how they scramble to bunch back together when they get to someplace like Metro Center or L'Enfant Plaza and a human tidal wave comes pouring in through the doors.
Funny Metro-Tourist experience: a white middle class family at Gallery Place/Chinatown gets on a Green Line train heading in the direction of Branch Avenue when they clearly wanted to be on the Yellow Line to Huntington. The great majority of riders heading in the direction of Branch Avenue are Afrian-American, most of whom are completely non-threatening. The look of terror on the faces of the kids and concern on the parents' faces was almost comical and they got off the train at Navy Yard once they realized they were not on their way into Virginia.
4 - Jynessa
I have three rules for tourists on the Metro.
#1 Travel only 10am to 3pm
#2 Travel only 10am to 3pm
#3 Travel only 10am to 3pm
There is no need for tired, cranky commuters in the morning to have to accept the fact that you and your 10 children or bus load of midwestern off-color-t-shirt wearing douche runoffs need to get to the National Mall before it opens. FYI, its grass... GRASS. There is no Barnes and Noble, GAP or anything of the like. I overheard a conversation about this between two small girls, while sitting in their own seats and senior citizens struggle to reach the new overhead bars.
Anyways, in my very haphazard rambling.
TOURISTS, DO NOT TRAVEL ON THE METRO DURING RUSH HOUR!!!!
5 - kj
Just thought that you should all know that the subway tips are great! I am a future tourist of the DC area and look forward to my visit. Please remember that it is everyone's right to visit such an important hub of American History. I live in a city that is also a major tourist attraction and I understand your frustrations but please,try to remember that you are a tourist as well when you go other places. I have people ask me directions all the time and I am happy to give them as a representative of my city. That is all I wanted to say except Thank you for the warmest welcome to your fine city!
6 - jennifer
I accidentally came across this blog because I am going to DC next week and wanted to get the lay of the land.
Wow. A lot of very unhappy people that love to lash out on tourists. The negativity that comes across on your blog reads off the charts. You must be a very unhappy person.
7 - sandra
peronal attacks are not allowed.....unless they are against tourists?
Sheesh makes me want to reconsider and stay in San Francisco.
8 - Mike Licht
We have ways of dealing with annoying tourists.
9 - ryan
Well Sandra, you truly have made this post worthwhile. If we can prevent one dumb tourist looking for secret service guys to take pictures with them, im happy.
10 - Keri
Wow. I've lived in cities where there is a lot of tourism and I have never felt like shooting one of them. I am going to be traveling to D.C. this coming summer for the first time and if this is a sampling of the people's attitudes there then I am disgusted already.
Someone sure needs to knock you off of your high horse and tell you to get a grip!
11 - LJ
Oh my! What a bunch of a**holes! I live in Oregon, VERY near Crater Lake, we have tourist from all over the WORLD here, all year long and I have never ONCE, thought of them as a nuisance or wanted to "shoot them"! I feel very blessed to live in this part of OUR United States of America and I am so Happy to be able to take part in sharing it with others who come here to view it. I feel joy, in seeing their amazed faces, when they step out of their car or buses and see the view for the first time AND I am more then happy to take a photo of them with Crater Lake behind them, with their own camera.Believe me, if and when you come here, YOU will do the same thing. I see this place on a daily basis, yes, I sometimes take for granted the beautiful sights I live around but, I have NEVER lost sight of the fact that I live in a "tourist region"! It comes with choosing to live here and we welcome it!
I am spending my honeymoon, in D.C. in March. We chose D.C., because it is a place that we ADMIRE! You have sights there that I have long to see with my own eyes, my entire life, not just in photo's! Places that I consider magnificent and beautiful! Places that represent "AMERICA"!! Why is it so wrong in your eyes, that I come there to see it? Maybe YOU should leave! Washington D.C. is the "home" of ALL American citizens and if you can't accept that then, LEAVE! I feel ashamed that people like YOU live in it! It is people like YOU, are who gives American's a bad name.
12 - Deena
Change the idiosyncrasies and this applies to any major city. That being said, it is fantastic advice! I'm a big endorser of walk left, stand right.
13 - Chris
I concur with the other blogger. I'm kinda sad to think I'm visiting there next week also and this person hates tourists so much. He probably forgets how much money we spend when we go on vacations...
14 - andy
Wow! talk about unhappy people. Don't wear a flag pin. I bet you voted Democrat. Typical
15 - niko
Wow, unbelievable. I cannot believe that some of you are so self-centered that you would want to shoot a tourist. No wonder the rest of the world calls us ugly Americans. They must hasve visited Washington DC first. My family and I will be visiting DC next week, please don't ruin my year old's vacation with your bad attitudes. He is the reason that we are coming there. He wanted to see the White House and all of the museums, since he was 9. The next time you all travel to Texas we will show you how to treat tourists. We appreciate them down here. We even open the door for them and let them walk through first.
16 - Ruvy
Well, Mike, you convinced me that I do not ever want to be in Washington DC again in my entire life. With your attitudes and those of your fellow residents, if the Persians or Chinese nuke you all in DC to Kingdom Come, it won't be any real loss.
I grew up in New York and coped with tourists all the time. It's simple, Mike - you gawk at them while they gawk at the skyscrapers. And as a police volunteer in Jerusalem I deal with tourists all the time as well. I tell them where to go - which is precisely what they want to know. And when I find out that they are Jews I tell them what they really need to hear - "welcome home!"
Given that you live in the capital of what used to be the greatest country in the world ("eight miles high and fallin' fast"), you would do well to learn a little of that attitude - and gawk at the tourists as they gawk at the Washington Monument - while they still think your city is important enough to visit.
17 - Kristi
I agree with the HIGH HORSE comment
18 - Alex
DC tourists are unlike tourists anywhere else in the world. If any of you angry potential visitors lived, worked or commuted in DC for 2 weeks, you'd understand our pain. Don't get me wrong, we realize that tourism is our 2nd largest industry. Many people who live in DC also love it here (especially natives like me), and that's why we stay. But we love OUR DC, not your Disneyland version of DC. Disneyland is just that, an amusement park, created for the amusement of visitors. This is our HOME; we'd just like people to respect it as such a bit more often. We help pay for the federal parts of the city right along with you, and are afforded no congressional representation or control over ANY of our own laws for our trouble. So please understand, having our sidewalks overrun with 7 old people inching forward side by side (BTW, middle of July--not an appropriate time to bring great-grandma or her emphysema) or 75 8th graders in the same t-shirt clogging up the subway escalator and giggling are no fun after a 10-hour workday. I really don't think that standing on the right and walking on the left on the escalator, MOVING instead of looking backwards when you get to the top, and trying to restrict your strolling to non-rush hour times is too much to ask. Oh, and I'll add one--the street is for driving, not for sightseeing. Do not walk against the light; we will run you over. Do not take up two lanes driving 15 miles an hour past the Washington Monument so that you can take pictures, which unless you come to a complete stop will be blurry anyway. Park. Get out. Walk. Point. Click. Shoot. See? Simple. Simplicity brings happiness. Was that happy enough for ya???
19 - Ted
KJ,
I know your comment is over two years old, but I had to respond.
Yes, you and other tourists have the "right" to visit DC or any city for that matter. Tourists are part of what give this and other cities the opportunity to show off and shine.
However, you and thousands of other tourists must understand a few simple, but pertinent concepts.
DC is a work-oriented city and as a consequence, many of the tourist sites are adjacent to many government and other downtown office buildings. While you and your fellow tourists are ambling about, hundreds of thousands of people who are NOT tourists are trying to get to work on time and with the least amount of frustration. Add thousands of tourists to the equation, and you have a mess.
Lets say you are trying to get to work in your own hometown and upon backing out of your driveway, I proceed to stand behind your vehicle and refuse to move. Hence, I have made you not only late for work, but frustrated as well.
It's sort of the same analogy here in DC when tourists block the Metro escalators, sidewalks and other public areas.
I recently visited NYC and knew going in that people MOVE fast here 24/7. I adapted to the climate and as a result, had a great time.
Us "locals", at least most of us don't hate or despise you, nor view you with venomous contempt. In fact, this city and region could surely use that economic boost you provide. Additionally, over the years I have met tourists and struck up conversations with some wonderful people from not only the US, but across the globe as well.
Unfortunately, there are a few of you that make everyone who visits here look bad. These folks fail to do their "homework" before coming here and forget how to conduct themselves. In summation, I respect your right and desire to come here. However, the majority of us want to get to work in the morining and enjoy our city on the weekends.
20 - LH
Hmm. I've been to DC multiple times and am planning a visit to take my children for their first exposure to our nation's capital. I'm not offended at all by the author's suggestions. In fact, I wholeheartedly agree. DC is not a theme park, but a city bustling with activity & culture. There are people living and working there. Not acting like an idiot, digging a bit deeper than the top popular attractions, and following a few simple transportation guidelines is a good thing.
21 - Billy Gerant
This is great. On my trip next week, I can't wait to stand on the left.
22 - Ken
I've been around the world, definately not a babe in the woods... But Mike West, you sound like a real effing jerk. I'll be pleased NOT to meet you.