According to a recent New York Times article 51% of women in the U.S. are now living without a spouse as indicated by their analysis of census results.
The article states: "Several factors are driving the statistical shift. At one end of the age spectrum, women are marrying later or living with unmarried partners more often and for longer periods. At the other end, women are living longer as widows and, after a divorce, are more likely than men to delay remarriage, sometimes delighting in their newfound freedom." According to Prof. Stephanie Coontz, director of public education for the Council on Contemporary Families, a nonprofit research group, "On average, Americans now spend half their adult lives outside marriage.”
I had no idea it was that high or that I was in such a minority. I've already spent over half my life in marriage, (albeit not the same one continually) or living with someone I would ultimately marry. I love being married. After nearly 15 years I can honestly say, without hesitation, that my marriage to Scott becomes richer every year, even as we become more individuated as adults (maybe because of this).
Are good marriages really becoming a thing of the past? William H. Frey, a demographer with the Brookings Institution, notes “For better or worse, women are less dependent on men or the institution of marriage. Younger women understand this better, and are preparing to live longer parts of their lives alone or with nonmarried partners. For many older boomer and senior women, the institution of marriage did not hold the promise they might have hoped for, growing up in an ‘Ozzie and Harriet’ era.”
This article disheartened me, but not because I think everyone should be married. I have no problem at all with people choosing to remain single. I'm discouraged because I see so many unhappy relationships and have talked to many people who really did want a good marriage (regardless of gender orientation). Many people are not single because it was their first choice. But even more, it saddens me that so many women in this article talked about the freedom they have now that they couldn't get in their relationships. For so many, marriage now feels like it would take something away from them that they value.
Someone once said to me that they thought good marriages were an urban myth and I had to take issue with that because I am in one. But how have Scott and I avoided being another statistic? What have I learned in 25 years in personal development work as a therapist and life coach in addition to my 26 cumulative years of marriage? As I look at the increasing statistical evidence and have listened to the experiences of those around me, the single, the married and the mostly commited, I have drawn conclusions as to why most relationships will fail.
Top Ten Warning Signs that a Relationship May End Badly
- Demonstrated failure to support each other's growth, feeling threatened by a spouse's success, jealousy toward your partner. This can be communicated in directly undermining ways like when a husband handed divorce papers to his wife when she achieved a hard-earned business goal, withdrawing them later when her business began to flounder, or passively/passive aggressively by moping, irritability or other tension that result in the successful partner feeling they have to minimize their achievements or hide them in some way.
- Hypersenstivity to "control issues" in arguments, often translated as "I hate it when you call me on my shit and just remember you aren't the boss of me." Having every request for compromise or a change in behavior result in some comment referring to "not needing a mother/father."
- Selfishness/more focus on what you are getting than what you are giving. Keeping score, especially an internal hidden tally of all the times one has "given in" or done something for the other. Always taking note of who gets the biggest piece of cake.
- Resistance to taking responsibility for oneself and one actions "Oh yeah? Well you aren't so terrific either. Remember that time you..."
- Forgetting the "or worse" part of the marriage vows or whether married or not, failure to equally share the burden during hard times. Example (yes, I know this will be sexist but I have seen it more than once): Husband loses job, wife continues to spend like she always has, assuming he will be able to continue to provide in the same way he always did by pulling some magic rabbit out of a hat. Family goes into debt. Wife panics and maybe gets angry, wondering what "they" will do now. Husband feels pressure to seek high-paying job in organization he believes will eat him alive in return for his efforts while wife considers working part time at Hobby Lobby to help make ends meet until "they" get back on their feet and she can quit her hobby job.
- Beginning with the end in mind or "How will I protect myself when we break up and they try to screw me out of all my stuff?"
- Basic lack of respect, calling each other names, using sarcasm or demeaning each other in the name of humor. Cruelty in arguments, use of personal insults when angry. Using anger as an excuse to be hurtful. (Yes, I did say that. Anger is not an excuse to be cruel and hurtful in your speech or actions.)
- Sneakiness, "If you don't know about my shit you can't call me on it, now can you?"
- Framing every compromise as a win-lose proposition.
- Choosing a partner because something is better than nothing or for what they aren't ("They don't beat me. I could do worse."). If you can't say immediately and with enthusiasm why you are with your partner, well, why are you with your partner? Don't treat them like a place-holder until something better comes along or a way to stop from being alone if nothing does.
Article comments
1 - Steve Roesler
Very well thought out, Laura. I was running down the list and realized that the relationship issues you've itemized are equally as valid in businesses. In fact, my experience is that most people don't lose or leave their jobs because of some technical inability. It is almost always one or more of the relational issues that prompts a parting of the ways.
Thank you for the meaningful post.
Steve Roesler
2 - Laura Young
Thank you, Steve. I had not been thinking about business relationships when I wrote this but you are right about the parallels. Great observation!
3 - Robert K
I have been married for 2 1/2 years and we are going forward with a divorce. I am 46 and she is 37. Everything was great as we worked together in everything in the beginning of our marriage. Then communication between both of us became progressively worse. Additionally both of our family up-brings have been completely different. Her family is matriarchal and mine was patriarchal. I tried to explain that to her so as to understand the root of the issue. She never put boundaries in our marriage thus creating plenty of conflict between us to the enjoyment of her controlling family members. We also have a 6 month old baby. I have discussed with her about reconciling but her family rules. Part of me thinks she was gold-digging. To no avail because I will stop paying the mortgage and allow it to fall into foreclosure.
4 - Laura Young
Very tough situation and a very challenging legacy for the baby to inherit.
5 - Scared2Singlehood
After 19 years of marriage this list scares the crap out of me. After all this time I am now finding out that she hasn't been happy with our marriage since year 2. She feels as though I have somehow trapped her or manipulated her into her current situation because she quit work a little while after our first child was born (now 11) and has never gone back - doesn't want to, either. Makes it clear that it's a topic just really not for discussion as it makes her feel inadequate. She gets angry because of these things and says I can not react to her verbal abusiveness and outright ire and sarcasm as it will only escalate things. And she is hypersensitive not just to "control" issues but to many many topics that may have to do with what she sees as a weakness or deficiency in herself - taking defensive and offensive postures whenever one of those topics comes up. I loved her at one time but now although I say I do, to be honest with myself I only say it to keep us together. I guess I don't love her any more than I do anybody else. I'm numb and can't even cry anymore - at least on the outside. Life would probably be better without her but I'm sticking to it for the kids' sake. I'm still doing what I can to save the marriage through counseling and just trying to take all verbal abuse without getting upset, because I have to remember she's just venting her feelings but that doesn't mean she doesn't love me or want to be with me. She simply wants to scream at me about how screwed up things are and how I contributed to them so therefore I shouldn't do that again. Wow, I see 8 of those 10 items in our marriage and it scares the crap out of me. I'd rather been ignorant.
6 - Laura Young
Dear Scared,
Yowsa, sounds like a VERY trying situation. My hope is that she is in counseling as well. NO one should have to tolerate verbal abusiveness (and be told they have to because the person simply needs to be abusive). Staying together for the kids is certainly an important issue to consider but you do have to weigh out what the cost of this kind of anger and tension in the environment is to them as well. Certainly not an easy equation and I know I don't know the whole story.
If your wife has harbored anger of this magnitude for 9 years, that has been her responsibility and does not give her any right to vent it all to you at this point.
Now of course, she might give me an ear full on you if given the chance so I'm certainly not choosing sides. I guess I want to say to anyone reading that if you find yourself harboring grudges and hurts for that long, that is NOT the other person's problem. It's yours and you need to own it 100% and handle it responsibily and maturely.
If one chooses to stay in what they think is a less than satisfactory arrangement (maybe she stayed for the kids, or the financial support, for example) then one has to own that the choice was made and make it be the right one. Making it, especially in private, and holding the other accountable makes no sense at all.
If it was, or is, a marriage of convenience that neither of you can or wants to end for the kids or the economy of it, then get that out on the table and talk about how that looks. Don't pretend it's love if it's just practicality that keeps you together. Heck, practicality and political power were reasons for marriage long before love ever entered the picture. Whatever you guys decide, do it without illusions and certainly without punishment. THAT is what you can do for the children.