According to a recent New York Times article 51% of women in the U.S. are now living without a spouse as indicated by their analysis of census results.
The article states: "Several factors are driving the statistical shift. At one end of the age spectrum, women are marrying later or living with unmarried partners more often and for longer periods. At the other end, women are living longer as widows and, after a divorce, are more likely than men to delay remarriage, sometimes delighting in their newfound freedom." According to Prof. Stephanie Coontz, director of public education for the Council on Contemporary Families, a nonprofit research group, "On average, Americans now spend half their adult lives outside marriage.”
I had no idea it was that high or that I was in such a minority. I've already spent over half my life in marriage, (albeit not the same one continually) or living with someone I would ultimately marry. I love being married. After nearly 15 years I can honestly say, without hesitation, that my marriage to Scott becomes richer every year, even as we become more individuated as adults (maybe because of this).
Are good marriages really becoming a thing of the past? William H. Frey, a demographer with the Brookings Institution, notes “For better or worse, women are less dependent on men or the institution of marriage. Younger women understand this better, and are preparing to live longer parts of their lives alone or with nonmarried partners. For many older boomer and senior women, the institution of marriage did not hold the promise they might have hoped for, growing up in an ‘Ozzie and Harriet’ era.”
This article disheartened me, but not because I think everyone should be married. I have no problem at all with people choosing to remain single. I'm discouraged because I see so many unhappy relationships and have talked to many people who really did want a good marriage (regardless of gender orientation). Many people are not single because it was their first choice. But even more, it saddens me that so many women in this article talked about the freedom they have now that they couldn't get in their relationships. For so many, marriage now feels like it would take something away from them that they value.
Article comments
1 - Steve Roesler
Very well thought out, Laura. I was running down the list and realized that the relationship issues you've itemized are equally as valid in businesses. In fact, my experience is that most people don't lose or leave their jobs because of some technical inability. It is almost always one or more of the relational issues that prompts a parting of the ways.
Thank you for the meaningful post.
Steve Roesler
2 - Laura Young
Thank you, Steve. I had not been thinking about business relationships when I wrote this but you are right about the parallels. Great observation!
3 - Robert K
I have been married for 2 1/2 years and we are going forward with a divorce. I am 46 and she is 37. Everything was great as we worked together in everything in the beginning of our marriage. Then communication between both of us became progressively worse. Additionally both of our family up-brings have been completely different. Her family is matriarchal and mine was patriarchal. I tried to explain that to her so as to understand the root of the issue. She never put boundaries in our marriage thus creating plenty of conflict between us to the enjoyment of her controlling family members. We also have a 6 month old baby. I have discussed with her about reconciling but her family rules. Part of me thinks she was gold-digging. To no avail because I will stop paying the mortgage and allow it to fall into foreclosure.
4 - Laura Young
Very tough situation and a very challenging legacy for the baby to inherit.
5 - Scared2Singlehood
After 19 years of marriage this list scares the crap out of me. After all this time I am now finding out that she hasn't been happy with our marriage since year 2. She feels as though I have somehow trapped her or manipulated her into her current situation because she quit work a little while after our first child was born (now 11) and has never gone back - doesn't want to, either. Makes it clear that it's a topic just really not for discussion as it makes her feel inadequate. She gets angry because of these things and says I can not react to her verbal abusiveness and outright ire and sarcasm as it will only escalate things. And she is hypersensitive not just to "control" issues but to many many topics that may have to do with what she sees as a weakness or deficiency in herself - taking defensive and offensive postures whenever one of those topics comes up. I loved her at one time but now although I say I do, to be honest with myself I only say it to keep us together. I guess I don't love her any more than I do anybody else. I'm numb and can't even cry anymore - at least on the outside. Life would probably be better without her but I'm sticking to it for the kids' sake. I'm still doing what I can to save the marriage through counseling and just trying to take all verbal abuse without getting upset, because I have to remember she's just venting her feelings but that doesn't mean she doesn't love me or want to be with me. She simply wants to scream at me about how screwed up things are and how I contributed to them so therefore I shouldn't do that again. Wow, I see 8 of those 10 items in our marriage and it scares the crap out of me. I'd rather been ignorant.
6 - Laura Young
Dear Scared,
Yowsa, sounds like a VERY trying situation. My hope is that she is in counseling as well. NO one should have to tolerate verbal abusiveness (and be told they have to because the person simply needs to be abusive). Staying together for the kids is certainly an important issue to consider but you do have to weigh out what the cost of this kind of anger and tension in the environment is to them as well. Certainly not an easy equation and I know I don't know the whole story.
If your wife has harbored anger of this magnitude for 9 years, that has been her responsibility and does not give her any right to vent it all to you at this point.
Now of course, she might give me an ear full on you if given the chance so I'm certainly not choosing sides. I guess I want to say to anyone reading that if you find yourself harboring grudges and hurts for that long, that is NOT the other person's problem. It's yours and you need to own it 100% and handle it responsibily and maturely.
If one chooses to stay in what they think is a less than satisfactory arrangement (maybe she stayed for the kids, or the financial support, for example) then one has to own that the choice was made and make it be the right one. Making it, especially in private, and holding the other accountable makes no sense at all.
If it was, or is, a marriage of convenience that neither of you can or wants to end for the kids or the economy of it, then get that out on the table and talk about how that looks. Don't pretend it's love if it's just practicality that keeps you together. Heck, practicality and political power were reasons for marriage long before love ever entered the picture. Whatever you guys decide, do it without illusions and certainly without punishment. THAT is what you can do for the children.
7 - lost
great article!
8 - Brenda
Hello i have been in a relationship for 6 month and we are looking to get marriage my question is both of us is have money problem and wont be clear until one year should we wait
9 - Laura
Brenda, money problems are so hard on relationships and six months probably isn't enough time for you to REALLY know how you both will be at the discipline needed to get out of them. If you are going to be together long term, marrying now or later doesn't really make a difference. Together is together, after all. BUT making that commitment in the middle of a stressful situation could sour things significantly. Why not strike a middle ground and commit to working on your financial problems as a couple...sitting down at the table to map out your goals and plans and then check in with each other regularly (once a week would be good) to see how you are keeping to your discipline. You have the benefit of tackling tough issues before you get together which will teach you both a lot and will show you either that you have what it takes to work together as a team on stressful problems or you find out you can't and you save yourself a lot of lawyers fees. Patience will never hurt you. Rushing can.