Does parenting promote or impede happiness? The latest scuffle in this debate began with a Shirley Wang article in The Wall Street Journal about the distinction between well-being, which roughly means long-term contentment, and happiness or pleasure, which roughly means short-term enjoyment. Wang writes that the latest studies are finding that while children may not cause moment-to-moment happiness, they do contribute to long-term contentment because they give parents a sense of purpose. And that is the newest formula: the goal is a sense of well-being, and the way to achieve it is to work towards a meaningful purpose. This idea has potential but for the moment is serving as a weapon in the war of words between parents and non-parents.
Parenting proponent Rachael Larimore writes in a March 16th entry on the XX Factor that studies into what makes people happy do more harm than good, but then implies that the particular studies Wang describes are beneficial because they may help persuade the ambivalent to procreate by clarifying the distinction between well-being and happiness. Larimore writes that children are among the best means to well-being, while admitting that they wreak hell on happiness.
Larimore's fellow XX Factor blogger Emily Yoffe (whose writing I often enjoy) suggests in a March 15th entry that well-being and happiness are actually mutually exclusive. She pooh-poohs the fleeting pleasure non-parents derive from "a carefree trip to Aruba" or "the ability to go out to a movie and dinner any time you please," arguing that it is in some way better to have unpleasant moments raising children. Yoffe even argues that it is the "challenge of childrearing" that makes it a balm for the soul.
My take-away: parents are on the defensive. I never thought I'd see the day, but parents are grasping at semantic straws to try to convince potential but wavering parents (and themselves?) that having children is good for the soul. Yoffe implies that the only reason previous studies found that parenting was bad for emotional health was that the studies asked "the wrong kinds of questions." Larimore adds that she "can't help but think" that studies concluding that "people find themselves mired in misery after having kids" are just evidence that "people are confused about the difference between pleasure and happiness" (or, to put it in my and Wang's terms, happiness and well-being). Apparently people are also too confused to know when they are mired in misery.
Article comments
1 - Rebecca Law
My compliments on a well-written article, Piper. If it has not already been done (and what hasn't?), a social anthropologist could do a huge study on the child-free vs. with-child dynamics in our society that you mention.
One of my favorite comedians Wanda Sykes has a funny routine from her earlier days when she was "out" as a heterosexual, married-but-childless person. She mentions how people with-child pressured her to join their group ASAP by repeatedly saying "Kids - they're a lot of work...but they're worth it." Except she noticed that not one parent looked her in the eye when they uttered the part about "they're worth it." Funny stuff. As a post script, Wanda today is delighted to be parenting her children with her lesbian partner.