Men are prone to love them all; women just the opposite. I've never met a woman who loved her own breasts, who wasn't dissatisfied with them, embarrassed by them, hurt, angry or abused by them. They could be real or fake, big or small, conical or comical, flat or stacked, pert or inverted, short 'n' sweet or elongated lap-lyers — no breast exists that will make a woman happy.
If a woman is small, she wants to be large. If a woman is large, she want to be larger. I have known many women who have had breast enlargements, and almost as many who have had breast reductions, and of the two groups I respect only the ones who reduce. Because large breasts are a burden, literally. It is back-breaking, unrewarding work to lug around a sixty-pound sign that says LOOK.
Small breasted women are lucky. First, they know right off the bat that no shallow, breast-trained men will apply for their attentions. This eliminates the majority of their "man problems" from the get-go.
Small breasted women can run without a sports bra, which is the modern equivalent of a corset. Small-breasted women don't have to worry about sagging, because they won't. Well, they might, but it's an improvement, because, finally, deep in their fifties, they don't look so adolescent.
Small-breasted women have to work for a living. They never got anything by showing cleavage. They've been through therapy. Their lives haven't been shaped by their chests. Therefore they tend to be smarter, less catty, and yes, less womanly than their fattybra counterparts — and I say "less womanly" not in sexual terms but rather in a sarcastic manner so as to suggest that "womanly women" are as full of shit as "manly men."
A nipple, strategically placed, is all that's needed for a bonafide breast.
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - roland
Thank you.. finally someone making sense of this whole boob mess. I am a lover of the female form and I hope this does not come off as a stupid man talking... but I am tired of it already. I personally like all the different sizes and shapes and maybe the little imperfections that make all of us unique. And, to be honest I think that objectifing women has hit a new Low and High at the same time. I can not remember when woman have been portrayed as having such self-empowerment... but show it by just being sexual objects. How many movies are of just "OK" actresses being half naked and being paid A-list money. Or singers being just a rack and ass in a tight top asking for a thug to give her some. All this has empowered the people who prey on these women and girls who think being a notch away from a stripper is power over men...
Damn... that was some rant.
2 - Bob A. Booey
Boy, you are such a misogynist. All that BS about "breasts not mattering" and you end in the most pandering attempt to get boob pictures ever. Don't even try and call it irony. You're just hard up. All of the women who read this crap should be offended.
Here's what you should have said:
Dorky guys place too much importance on boobs. Short, squat girls have big tits. Fat girls have big, saggy tits. Tall, thin girls -- the supermodels you drool over when that Victoria's Secret catalog comes in the mail -- barely have boobs. The size of the boobs isn't really as important as what they look like. Anything bigger than a D is disgusting; a B is good; a C is perfect. Fake tits can be great or look awful.
Men who fixate on breasts have some sort of Oedipal thing going on. French intellectuals in the 1950s commented that America's massive consumption of cow milk well into maturity and sexual fixation on large-breasted women reflected an infantilism at work. There's been a lot said about perpetual childhood and adolescence in our culture beyond a psychoanalytic interpretation of our sexuality, but I'm sure many of the fetishes you old guys like probably fit in that category.
Boobs don't weigh 60 pounds. Feel a girl up for once. Women aren't such a mystery. You write about women and sexuality from such a distance and with such odd conjecture, fantasy, and fear. No one goes to therapy about their small breasts; discuss that statement with your own therapist when you next discuss your Oedipal obsessions.
"A nipple, strategically placed, is all that's needed for a bonafide breast."
Show us your man boobs then, Pops.
That is all.
3 - bhw
Small-breasted women don't have to worry about sagging, because they won't. Well, they might, but it's an improvement, because, finally, deep in their fifties, they don't look so adolescent.
Unfortunately, small breasts do sag before a woman reaches her fifties, and trust me, it's not an improvement. I love my children, but they took my damn near perfect perky breasts and all but killed them.
There will be no jpgs of my flappers. Sorry.
Now, Booey, go buy yourself a sense of humor.
4 - CW
BITCH HAS WORD!!!
Aw, don't blame the kids, and don't be too sure. Beauty really is from within, like confidence and love and almost all of the rest of our organs.
I'd like to do a book of imperfect breasts. Just the breasts. So it's anonymous (or nearly).
Then I would sign it and mail it to Bobbalouie the Blowfish who thinks he anonymous.
Speaking of Boobie, I have to respond. No, no, I must.
C
5 - Bob A. Booey
Your comments about your lil porno book project are creepy ... just creepy.
Save the vague threats about stalking. Have some maturity at your age.
I don't know why you people take everything so personally. If I find your writing off-putting, I'll say so. There are certain topics like sex that certain people (most people) shouldn't write about.
That is all.
6 - CW
Dear Boo Boo,
Owie!
"Folksy?"
Well, OK, man, but it's spelled f-o-x-y.
That is some truly funny stuff you wrote at me. Thank you very much. I'm not elderly. I am married. And my writing is much more painful to write than it is to read, but then I've been reading for an awful long time.
The other error you made was thinking you understand women. But that's your humor.
Boo, real men aren't interested in girls except to look at. Most girls are dumb by choice under the misguided notion that it's a turn on. The brain is the real sex organ, and all "my women" have had good ones. Btw, boys, such as yourself, are just as dumb as girls. I don't mean to take sides. It's why you're attracted to each other.
It's interesting that you picked me for pouncing, a BC you don't know. I'm always curious when I'm intensely disliked by someone whose assessment of me seems unfamiliar. I simply haven't heard the kind of awful things you've said about me. Yet. But I do enjoy the attention. Even from a pussy that throws insults from behind an alias.
I think you're just jealous because you haven't gotten a verse.
7 - CW
And Roland? You were rollin!
8 - CW
"I don't know why you people take everything so personally. If I find your writing off-putting, I'll say so. There are certain topics like sex that certain people (most people) shouldn't write about."
Oh, Bob, don't be that way! You can't go from porn star to a prom king in the span of a post.
Why get offended? I'm just shooting back. I don't mean to be off-putting but on-putting. See? All in fun. Fun is what is had on Blogcritics, where serious writers post, then practice swordplay in comments. Unkind cuts are often the product of run-on emotions. No biggie.
So, criticize away, Bob. And I may do the same, but not likely. The one thing I would suggest is to lose the sign-off "That is all."
It's off-putting. It's something my father used to say. It's a telltale sign of narcissism. And it's never "all." Try verse.
That is all.
9 - jack e. jett
i am the last person you would think might have a commment on this..but i do.
i did an interview with terri weigel. a former playboy centerfold and porn star. she took her top off for me and had the largest perkiest breast. they had scars around the nipple area that were visable. i kept thinking that they might be able to be used for flotation devices.
they looked as if they might explode.
my partner (male) had never seen breast and she allowed him to feel them. he is now taken with the entire female breast movement and taken to watching straight porn.
what's a homo to do?
jack
10 - Temple A. Stark
You had me at the tit-le.
The rest of the post was pretty darn funny, too (except the last paragraph - kind dopey). Commentators need to get a sense of humor.
iI's true that women hardly ever seem to like their boobs. That's why men must overcompensate. It's a service we suffer to provide.
:)
Seriously, there is such a thing as boobs that ARE too big. It depends on the form of the rest of the body.
11 - boomcrashbaby
Boobs are like Fabrege Eggs. Pretty to look at but have a pair in the house and you'll soon find youself having to change the decor to match.
12 - RJ Elliott
"Men are prone to love them all; women just the opposite. I've never met a woman who loved her own breasts, who wasn't dissatisfied with them, embarrassed by them, hurt, angry or abused by them"
I have. I work with one. She mentions her cannons about every sixth sentence.
13 - RJ Elliott
"If a woman is small, she wants to be large. If a woman is large, she want to be larger."
The first part is true. The second isn't always.
I dated a gal once who had a breast REDUCTION. God knows why. She lost her best asset, spent a good wad of cash, and received disturbing scars in return.
Not a wise investment...
14 - RJ Elliott
"The hard, cold fact is that breast augmentation makes hard, cold breasts."
And...is there something inherently bad about cold, hard breasts (that happen to be fucking huge)?
15 - RJ Elliott
"I think that objectifing women has hit a new Low and High at the same time. I can not remember when woman have been portrayed as having such self-empowerment... but show it by just being sexual objects. How many movies are of just "OK" actresses being half naked and being paid A-list money. Or singers being just a rack and ass in a tight top asking for a thug to give her some. All this has empowered the people who prey on these women and girls who think being a notch away from a stripper is power over men..."
I agree 100%. VERY well said.
16 - Bob A. Booey
CW,
I don't "intensely dislike" you or anyone else who comments on this site. I find your writing in particular remarkably bizarre and pathological, not to mention disingenuous in almost every regard. I don't know if that makes what I say "awful things" to you. I'm not "picking on you" and the only reason you get any attention is because you are such a notably strange writer. I don't know who you are nor do I care. Apparently, people think you're kidding in all that madness, though.
"The brain is the real sex organ, and all "my women" have had good ones."
Note the past tense. Did you fry up those brains, Dahmer? I'm not really sure what you mean by "good" in this context. And "ALL your women" doesn't include people you've locked in your basement against their will. Your wife and her Stockholm syndrome don't count, the poor woman. She's a saint, I'm sure.
People who say "the brain is the real sex organ" don't know how to fuck.
Most people are dumb, so I don't know why you single out "girls" other than misogyny. I guess "women" is your code to distinguish old, fat broads who will listen to your endless chatter. But then I'm the one who doesn't know anything about women because I don't write about them as if they're alien beings who just landed as you do.
I don't object to you commenting on issues you might know something about, like a boring novel you just read. Maybe you'll have something interesting to say. If you do, I'll probably appreciate it and say so. I don't think you should write about sex, though, however cathartic it might be for you and however much you may want to scam boob pictures of old chicks.
I repeat: Show us your man boobs and set a good example, Pops.
Jack: take some hormones. You can get man boobs like CW and make your man happy. I'd think gay men would be immune to a bad pornstar boob job, though. Apparently not so with Faberge eggs.
BHW: no one wants to see your saggy fried eggs, not even someone as hard-up as CW.
Don't hate the playa, hate the game.
That is all.
17 - Bob A. Booey
On a more serious note, I wanted to add how funny it is that one of the Amazon links is to an obscure academic mathematics book on model theory of groups. Not the right kind of modeling, but I think it's great that there's a guy named "Tits Buildings." He should open up a strip club.
That is all.
18 - RJ Elliott
BAB:
I know you're anonymous, and endlessly insulting, but you're fucking funny.
Carry on...
19 - bhw
BHW: no one wants to see your saggy fried eggs, not even someone as hard-up as CW.
Actually, my husband still loves to see them. That's because he's a gen-u-ine adult man and not a boy pretending to be a man, hiding behind his computer keyboard.
[And the irony of YOU calling CW a misogynist. You slay me.]
20 - CW
jack e. jett:
What a mind-blowing scene!!! Is it on tape?
That's more more than a topic, it's a show. Try the Breast! It's two shows; an endless show, a stream of curious men and sacrificial ladies. It would be the most exciting, the funniest, most original show since... Milton Berle. OK, overstatement never hurts. The most watched since A Simple Life.
Jack, I'm going to tell something that's very true, and it will hit you suddenly as so true that you will never recover your lifelong belief that the female breast has something to do with heterosexual sex. It does.
But not exclusively. Every human who ever suckled has always desired at least an occasional visitation to the holy nipple, male and female, gay and straight, young and old, to paw and to suck, paw and suck, pawsuck.psk.psk.psk. It's not about sex, but it is, but it's not. It's...
Jack, you know the female breast is beautiful, and of course you want to touch it, whatever it's made out of, and why shouldn't you?
Not a reason can I think of, O Canadian, whose air from where your show is beamed is cool about such topics.
All men and women should feel a female breast frequently, or at least be able to keep a few around the house.
Where are the women in this? I hate to say they're hogging em all, but it's basically true. On demand real time breasts should be available to all at a reasonable cost, fully funded by taxes that pauperize selected rogue corporations.
I'd say you'd make the perfect host but I've never seen The Jack E. Jett Show. If you build it, they will watch. And if you promise some quirky celebrity cameos such as Paul Reubens, who isn't gay, but let's say he likes to feel tits. He's in. See?
Then you get your video streaming all over the Web, followed by a disappointing meeting with the Pope, followed by NBC with an offer, turned down for FOX, and why?
Why, Jack E., why?
Why because of me, of course. Because was there, don't you remember? I was in the room!
Curt
OK, Jack, this is not about conversion. It's already overcrowded. I'm talking about the next thing. An overnight industry. And, how you say, non-threatening? An endless stream of willing women and silly men watched by people in every corner of the world.
OK, it's dumb, and the "corner of the world" thing, what's it mean?
21 - boomcrashbaby
Apparently, this thread hit a nerve?
Blogging should be whatever you want to talk about. If somebody wants to talk about boobs, then it's a free country, only boob experts should have a right to speak?
What gives, Bob? We made fun of penises on the Penis and Vagina thread. Now it's the boobs turn. (should I delete that sentence?)
And besides, Fabrege Eggs don't look right surrounded by corkboard.
22 - CW
"I repeat: Show us your man boobs and set a good example, Pops."
OK. True fact. I was featured in a three-page photospread in Playboy Magazine, August 1975, that showed my work as a "disguise artist" through the hilarious lens of photographer Ross Hamilton (who is now photo editor with The Oregonian). We met with Arthur Paul, lesser God behind the "look" of the magazine. We saw bunnies. And big dollars. The beginning of what turned out to be a very short road for me. Well, the whole disguise industry was down back then.
Anyway my point. Man tits. You wanted, you got. There's me, slapped all over the third page, naked as a j-bird. A girl j-bird. They were foam, of course. I was big into foam. It was a real craft that I sucked at, but Ross could shoot anything and make it funny. The complete book was never published but we had fun trying to get it published, barging through doors -- we barged in on Gordon Lish, and he loved the hell out of it! Loved the work, wanted it bad, could not get over the Playboy thing, threw our ass out.
It's all true. Why would I make it up? I have one copy that somebody mailed to me recently. I don't have a scanner. No jpgs. Maybe it can be found in an attic, or under your brother's rug. It turns up.
I'm not proud of it. Not ashamed of it either. You made a demand, I caved.
Look, Bob, I remember testosterone and I know its effects up and down the scale. It's a wonderful/terrible thing that gradually gets better as it goes away. In the meantime, read some books on manners. Seriously! Because you say deliberately hurtful things to people that endear you to RJ who also hates me -- WA WA -- I can hear him denying it -- HATES my ass, and why?
I don't think he actually hates me. You see... I'm kidding, Bob.
God, I didn't want to have to say that.
But I'm also nuts, crazy, illogical. I'm a catastrophe in typing, worthless as the paper I'm not even written on, I'm landfill, filler, just another do-it-for-free hack overcome with a love of "the craft."
So what are you doing here if you don't like reading about tits?
Second thought, never mind. It's time for bed. With my wife, thank you very much, and a few six-titted friends.
23 - Al Barger
On behalf of Jesus and NOW, I want to say that I am Deeply Offended by breasts- big ones, little ones, tight or loose and floppy ones. Especially Janet's.
24 - CW
Oh, and one more thing. We're not all who we appear to be around here, and that's just the way we like it. Shark, for example, he's not. dirtgrain, no way. Some of us, lots, in fact, are young and even good looking, even sexy, lots of blogcritics, because that's the way we likes em, see? Look at Al Barger, look at David Flannagan if you want man tits. They call him The Flanflan Man. Eric the Read I hear is buff. OK, my wife is really pissed because I'm typing on tits on the bedroom computer. She wants to know why I keep writing to a guy that hates me. Now she goes and accuses me of trying to get him to like me! What do I care whether he likes me? I'm in bed now with the laptop turned low. Sophie's left hind leg just punched the kjkkj keypad. I can't see the letters. I have to see the letters.
I'm no good, Andy. I'm just no good.
25 - Bob A. Booey
CW,
I don't understand your writing because you say many, many odd things. But I don't think you're worthless or "no good," for what it's worth. You've gradually humanized yourself in your own weird way and I accept that.
RJ Elliott is a right-wing goon who makes countless stupid comments. But the man knows funny :) Al Barger is an unfunny right-wing goon who's old with man boobs.
I dispute the hotness of said BlogCritics, but that's only because I prefer to believe that all good writers are nerds. Since I, of course, am not a good writer.
Tell your wife that I don't dislike you and that she shouldn't call me when my girlfriend is home. Just kidding.
See? Not hurtful. I kid.
BHW: how am I hiding any more than you are? We write on a dumb internet site. I don't really get this whole thing about people knowing each other and being friends on the Internet. And I'm not a misogynist, I just have high standards (and no manners). I respect women in general, regardless of whether I respect you.
That is all.