When you're a kid, Halloween typically ranks high up there on the list of preferred holidays, easily behind Christmas but ahead of Thanksgiving. You get to dress up however you want and patrol the neighborhood collecting on candy debts? Awesome. And for parents, it’s not too bad either. Purchasing a couple bags of candy isn’t nearly as expensive as that new video game system, and certainly not as time-consuming as dyeing smelly eggs funky colors and consoling little Suzie when she cries from cracking hers on the floor.
But what about those times when Halloween isn’t so great? And I’m not talking about when the masked psychopath escapes the sanitarium and murders babysitting teenagers. My concern with Halloween is about eliminating the inconvenient and annoying. It's about those times when you’re walking around in your skin-tight Superman costume, thinking, “Man, I’ve got a terrible wedgie,” or when you reach deep into your bag to pull out a handful of vegan candy bars. Halloween is a holiday of spooky, harmless fun and free chocolate (no matter what the uptight Christians, dentists, or Christian dentists try to tell you), so here are some tips on how to keep it that way.
Do NOT, under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, be the people who give out toothbrushes. Every year, all over the nation, there are some people who think that by giving out toothbrushes at Halloween, they are somehow servicing the overall dental health of their neighborhood. Not true. To start, roughly 90% of the time, the toothbrush will be angrily cast out of the bag. If that doesn’t happen, it will eventually be set aside as a toilet scrubber, as they are typically too cheap to even satisfy their intended purpose. If neither of the above two things happen, the kids most definitely won’t use it before scurrying to bed Halloween night, as they’re so hopped up on caffeine and fructose that they may never sleep again. Thereby, Toothbrush Guy’s efforts prove utterly futile. I state this theory first, as it is incredibly depressing to have to pick between neon pink and canary yellow toothbrushes.
Article comments
1 - Sarah Gray
touche matt carney. this is great.
I remember when I lived in minnesota, a particular house near my neighborhood had what seemed like a mile long driveway on a steep slope. it was awful to walk up, but thankfully she had THE BEST candy. and when I say the best candy...I am king size candy bars and a can of soda. so at least my efforts were rewarded =)
2 - carney
Thanks Sarah. You're a baller.
3 - dkings4HIM
As Christians, we are not to judge any individual. I pray that this comment does not come out like judging the writer.
We need to educate our children on how "Halloween" came to be a national holiday. The Bible tells us that we perish for lack of KNOWLEDGE. Perishing is what's happening to our younger generation because we are allowing things to happen because of "customs". Just like time changes after each generation, so does the customs that we are used to. Before, we did not have to worry about pediphiles amongst us, now we do. So we can't let our hair down to letting our children go on their own before their time (of age). I now question wether the "adversary" had
a huge part on the writing of this article. May God bless the person who wrote it and especially our society.