The Universal Breakup Card
By: Brandon J. Mendelson
Often imitated and republished, this is the original universal breakup card written by Brandon J. Mendelson. I saw the trailer for View from the top the other day, and one of the lines from the trailer was, "You're breaking up with me in a birthday card!" and the guy says, "Well, they don't make break up cards." So, I proudly present to you, the Universal Break Up Card. Good for fighting evil, flossing, and a cheap laugh or two.
Dear ________________,
____ 1) It's been fun, but I want to see other people.
____ 2) You suck in bed.
____ 3) I want to explore new things and meet new people.
____ 4) I've seen professional wrestlers more sensitive than you.
____ 5) You're a loser.
____ 7) You're too sensitive, stop whining already.
____ 8) I have to break up with you because I slept with your best friend / dog / sister / neighbor.
____ 9) It's not you, it's me. I'm a double agent and have to rescue the President.
____ 10) I'm actually not straight / gay, fooled you!
____ 11) We can't have sex because I keep thinking about your mother /father /best friend / cow / next-door neighbor.
____ 12) Your stubborn refusal to not flush the toilet / shave / kick helpless animals is just too much.
____ 13) I'm prejudiced against _________, so this isn't going to work.
____ 14) You were so awful I'm joining a seminary / practicing celibacy forever.
____ 15) I now hate men / women because of you.
____ 16) You told my parents we do it like monkeys and they won't let me see you now.
____ 17) You're cheap. I don't want much, but c'mon!
____ 18) I have to leave, I pissed off the mob / government / terrorists / rap musicians.
____ 19) You're leaving to college / the military / prison, I don't feel like waiting.
____ 20) I've been indicted for War Crimes.
____ 21) He / She is much better looking than you.
____ 22) This sleazy guy /girl convinced me you're a waste of my time and I'm going to hook up with them.
____ 23) I've seen fourth graders smarter than your friends. At least the fourth graders can color in the lines and spell “college” correctly.
____ 24) You are from New Jersey, nuff said.
____ 25) I love my cat / dog / sex slave more and you're allergic to them.
____ 26) I was blind when we started dating but now that my sight is back. Eeeeewwww!
____ 27) I'm shallow and want a guy / girl with lots of money.
____ 28) I would rather make out with an electrical socket.
____ 29) You're standing in the way of my dream job: Professional Polar Bear Kick Boxing champion.
____ 30) I've heard of sexual deviancy but that's asking too much.
Article comments
1 - lono
Listen,
You are a terrific girl, and I like where this is going. however, before we go any farther you should know that: (try these in any combination, and be successful like George)
• Our board of directors is under indictment
• I think you should move into the big office
• you are aware that Penske is interested in me?
• Really? then ta ta, tu-tel
2 - Bob
23) I've seen fourth graders smarter than your friends. At least the fourth graders can color in the lines and spell "college" correctly.
And my 4 year old daughter can spell "colour" correctly.
3 - robert
lol and color is the correct way in america you have just made a complete fool of yourself bob