Work is more than stressful enough without crazy people, dontcha think? Well, if yours isn’t, mine is! In fact, it’s so stressful, that I’ve resorted to smoking cigarettes damn near every hour on the hour just to get a break.
The only down side to these much-needed smoke breaks is this crazy middle-aged woman who always manages to interrupt them with rhetoric I didn’t ask for and never needed to hear. Today, however, this woman pulled a story out of her hat that literally floored me and my coworkers…and the story offers a perfect testament as to how “touched” this woman really is. Here’s how it breaks down:
“Hey girls, how ya doin’?” she asks of my coworkers and I.
“We’re doing great…how have you been?” we reply almost in unison. None of us wanted to be bothered.
“I’ve been retro dating lately, so everything’s been great!”
“What’s retro dating?” my friend asks just before the light bulb illuminates in her head. “Oh! You mean you’ve been dating somebody from your past.”
“Yeah, I have,” says the crazy lady. “He’s a nice guy who lives out in Arizona. He never got married, and we recently caught up with each other, and now he’s coming to town next weekend to visit me.”
“Oh wow,” I say. “That’s great!” I’m really not the least bit interested, but what was I supposed to say?
“Yeah, I’m really excited. So, I’m doing everything I can to look my best. My mom told me about some cream that I could put on my face to get rid of my wrinkles. She told me to use a drop the size of a pea, but instead, I used one about the size of a quarter. Last night, it felt like my whole face was on fire!”
“Oh no,” I said, trying to hide the giggles that were coming forth with full force. What I really wanted to say was, Who gives a hot damn! But, I didn’t.
“Yeah, it was terrible. Look at my face!”
Her face was the color of a pale red apple, and the skin was peeling away from her nose and around her eyes. She looked like a clown, but I didn’t want to tell her.
“Wow, that’s too bad,” I say. “Next time, you had better listen to your mom.”
“Yeah, you’re right! But that’s not even the worst part. Now I have the Ronald McDonald Syndrome!”
Oh no, I’m thinking. What the hell is she talking about now? I took the bait anyway. “What’s Ronald McDonald Syndrome?” I ask, regretting the moment I did.
Article comments
1 - Eric Olsen
I Googled "orange pubic hair" just for fun and the results were rather disturbing.
Always great stuff JM, thanks!
2 - Distorted Angel
Eric, nobody googles "orange pubic hair" just for fun.
3 - Eric Olsen
well, um, I read this story first
4 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
Once, i found the ultimate stop-smoking thingy. it was stuff you sprayed into your mouth that made the cigarettes taste like some foul arse-gas of some kind. truly, if every cigarette tasted like that, i wouldn't be smoking. "No willpower required" they claimed, but thing is, anytime i wanted a smoke i just didn't spray the shit in my mouth. Oh well.
On another note, i think i would be quite interested if i say, um, under-growth peeking from a bathing suit. Provided it was in the right place. I'd prob'ly remember some imprtant appointment if it was coming from her feet. But then thats ridiculous. Who wears bathing suits that reach your feet?
5 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
interested if i SAW, not SAY. thats just ridiculous