Fuck you Supergrass, I'm thinking. Fuck you, Disgruntled Lady. I wanted a chance for to converse with this vixen, for to get at least some sort of sentence out the face before ploughing ahead with the "So, maybe, um, yeah, ah, so, um, tonight?"
There was no chance, no chance at all. Look at this Supergrass fucker. All laid back and with the smug demeanor of a fella not ten minutes ago up to the left ear in vaginal mania.
What could I say? The train was roaring all around, if I leaned forward there's the chance Harry Potter Woman might not hear. "Could I have a word for a second?" was what I had planned to ask. But how could I? What if she didn't hear, but Supergrass did? I'd be trapped between two fearsome possibilities. I could pretend I was asking him, and demand to know who cuts his hair, or I could sit back and say nothing and carry on reading Fear And Loathing On The Campaign Trail '72. Harry Potter Woman knew I was reading this, since when the fella came to check the tickets, I caught sight of her stealing a glance at the cover.
It's ok Harry Potter Woman, you can look. More, you can even borrow it some time. Fuck it, take it now, take it now with my torn up pages shoved inside for to keep track of each delightfully vulgar turn of phrase. Take it here, for fucks sakes I shant move till you've taken it, and here, magazines, fucking NME, take it for Gods sakes, apparently Babyshambles haven't broke up after all, I need to celebrate with someone and dear God, who can it be at this moment if not you, since look about, a very attractive fella according to Aaman Lamba, and yet where are the ladies? No place. Where are TXT Woman and Film Noir Woman amidst all this? Who knows? They were "seeing someone", lest we forget. And what of Sinéad? Where might she be? I'll tell you where, far fucking away, it pains me to relate. And what of the one who used to be The Duchess? The key words there are "used to be", Harry Potter Woman.
Funny you should mention that, actually, since I noticed a gold ring on the third finger of one of your hands, and spent a panic-fucked couple minutes trying to work out if it was an engagement ring, trying to turn myself on the seat so I could work out if you were wearing it on the correct digit, trying to remember where mine used to be.
Article comments
1 - Deano
Goddamn Duke. God. Damn.
That post was....superlative.
2 - Eric Berlin
Duke -- I read this last week or so on your Mondo site and already told you privately that it's one of my very favorite pieces of yours.
This must certainly make its way to the forefront of a Romantic Wanderings and Lamentations as Told By The Duke book of some variety.
Seriously -- this is brilliant writing, brilliant storytelling right here.
3 - Eric Olsen
WE love you Duker, and the right woman will too, one of these minutes-hours-days-weeks-months (I will go no further).
You really do have the ability to grab a reader and absolutely control his/her attention with power of a spell. It's a gift.
4 - Eric Olsen
"as Jandek is my witness" - classic! He of the untuned barbed wire guitar strings
5 - Bennett
Yeah, what all of these folks said, and what I've said on other occasions.
Thanks Duke.
6 - Aaman
Love ya, Duke - and all yer ramblings:)
7 - Mark Saleski
yea, i read this the other night as well.
late at night....and when i hit the line "tom cruise makes me cough up fetus" i snorted very loudly...which made little black cocker spaniel bart...which woke up the wife from a sound sleep.
oh well, it was worth it.
8 - Dawn
I.sat.on.the.edge.of.my.seat.
That was funny, delightful, sad and then tragic. Like Shakespeare.
That WOMAN IS A FOOL. A FOOL I TELL YOU!!!
9 - Eric Olsen
sometimes the suppression of a snort can have grave seismic consequences
10 - Victor Plenty
This great piece just goes to prove a line I heard Garrison Keillor say once (forgive me if he's not to your tastes, but I find this line apt in many circumstances):
"Nothing bad ever happens to a writer; everything is material."
We're fortunate to have you weaving your material into such fine writing for us, Duke.
11 - Bennett
Mark,
I have to ask...
"which made little black cocker spaniel bart"
A) take the subway from Oakland to SF
b) bark
c) flatulate
I'm hoping that it's A or B, as the thought that your snort caused your dog to fart make me laugh uncontrollably.
Oh your poor wife...
12 - deano
I'll say it again - for the record:
Goddamn Duke. God. Damn.
It needed repeating.
13 - Dave Nalle
I laughed, I cried, I wet my diaper.
Dave
14 - Mark Sahm
If only the stat counters told us how many kids hit this post looking for H-Pot material and discovering Duke's rant instead.
But quite amusing. At least you tried, man... most people never bother.
15 - Eric Olsen
they need a little slap of reality
16 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
hey folks! good lord, who knew such kind responses would be found at the tail-end of this woeful tale!?
apologies for not gettin back to the fore sooner, you'll be out your head to learn that the computer broke down last night around ten, and from then till now i had to keep myself sane by rambling into a notebook. a thesis will emerge eventually, i dare say.
again, thanks a hella lot folks. and the folks who said they read this on the mondo thingy, thank you, and know that this version is the definitve account, what with the prologue / epilogue etc and the touch-ups here and there.
i think i might encounter HPW again tomorow, if recent history is anything to go by. this time, no rants will result. possibly an embaressed and awkward shuffle past an then headfirst into some paperback or other. hurah!
thanks again folks
17 - Eric Berlin
It would be pretty rad if you print out this very page and hand it to her, then without a word push past her as though you've moved on with your life and past this momentous yet trifling episode!
18 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
dear god, EB! once upon a time i MAY have harboured notions along the lines of passing a similar text relating to a similar situation to a similar lady, but the idea of doin so AFTER the fact is nothing short of criminal!! haha, dear god. mind you, it's just demented enough a scheme for to have snared my attentions...
19 - Eric Berlin
Once upon a time, dear old EB passed a 14-page (legal-sized paper, for some reason) ode of love and sonnets and Deepest Thought to a friend with whom he hoped there could be something more... Vast awkwardness came of it, was the upshot.
Weird thing is that she started dating one of my oldest friends. This was about 13 years ago... and they're still dating, living together happily way up in Maine.
Go figure!
20 - Victor Plenty
At least your hard work benefited someone.
21 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
EB, a fantastic anecdote! i've been shoved in the direction of doin similar of various occasions, but other than a prologned bout of chasing in high school, it never came to such affairs. when there was some sort of hint of progress offered, then, perhaps, i maybe bombarded with plenty such items, but the ideas of droppin them out the blue, i never did that. well, cept for times in bars leaving stuff sitting in eye-view of certain ladies and pretendin i didn't know they could see it. haha, dear god
22 - Eric Berlin
I should have added that I was the one who introduced my platonic lady friend with my old friend. Ahh... but that was back in younger, more innocent days. Then I soon graduated to consuming enough liquid courage so that I might be able to speak to young ladies at social events.
Reminds me of a fantastic line from Swingers when Mikey bats away Trent's attempts at building up his ego by saying, "It was college... they drink, they don't know any better."
23 - Mary K. Williams
I think I'm seconding and thirding pretty much what everyone else had to say. I loved reading this.
In reality, to present HPW with this tome of angst could prove to be awkward -
but ohh, in the fantasy world? Hollyshite!
Seriously, how fucking flattering it would be to hear that about oneself. If anyone did that for me? How very cool.
24 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
Mary, sorry i missed your comment till now! thank you for the kind words!