Alas, they seemed to be verging ever closer to such a state, but never quite close enough. Close enough for to make every movement seem like the paranoid twitchings of a coked up veteran of some ungodly skirmish, that's for sure, close enough for have the eyes dart round the head like rats on heated blades, but no, not enough for the plateau to be straddled.
And then she appears, all casual with the jacket folded cross her arm, with the August sun shimmering hind her eyes, looking for all the world like she's gonna open the very door next to me, but then no, she thinks better of it, spits some chewing gum into a bin and disappears somewheres up North.
The fellas in front of me, they say it all 'thout mouthing a syllable. "Get the fuck up that train, you jitter-freak bastard."
Next thing I know I'm diving for the next carriage, scanning the airways for the tell-tale traces of thoughts relating to Harry Potter, hoping to the lords of sweetest fuck that she's sitting in some gloriously intimate area that houses only her and whatever paperback she's devouring at the minute, chunks of Dostoyevsky or Donne tween perfectly aligned teeth.
And then I see her, sat reading The Notebook, and in front of her a lady screaming into her mobile. "Do you never answer the fuckin phone? I sent a fuckin text! Fuck off, cunt!"
I dare not sit next to this demented woman raging at some poor absent minded bastard on the other end of a hissing half-connection. What if she sent me a message one time and I forgot to reply? Sweet De Sade, the last thing a man needs is to be martyred in front of Harry Potter Woman. She doesn't need to see such sights.
Mind you, I'd wager Martyrdom does wonders for a fella's Filth Appeal.
And I sure as hell can't sit next to Harry Potter Woman herself.
For one thing, she saw me looking at her from out the window a few minutes ago, and yet now here he is, the fucking Duke, no longer seated comfortably. Quite the opposite. She knows this was a calculated move, and I'd wager what remains of her wits would be frightened out her very bones if I actually went so far as to nestle beside her.
Stood in an obvious state of discomfort in the middle of the carriage pretending not to look at Harry Potter Woman, and so taking a seat facing her, but to her left, next to a fella with a delightful Supergrass hair cut.
Article comments
1 - Deano
Goddamn Duke. God. Damn.
That post was....superlative.
2 - Eric Berlin
Duke -- I read this last week or so on your Mondo site and already told you privately that it's one of my very favorite pieces of yours.
This must certainly make its way to the forefront of a Romantic Wanderings and Lamentations as Told By The Duke book of some variety.
Seriously -- this is brilliant writing, brilliant storytelling right here.
3 - Eric Olsen
WE love you Duker, and the right woman will too, one of these minutes-hours-days-weeks-months (I will go no further).
You really do have the ability to grab a reader and absolutely control his/her attention with power of a spell. It's a gift.
4 - Eric Olsen
"as Jandek is my witness" - classic! He of the untuned barbed wire guitar strings
5 - Bennett
Yeah, what all of these folks said, and what I've said on other occasions.
Thanks Duke.
6 - Aaman
Love ya, Duke - and all yer ramblings:)
7 - Mark Saleski
yea, i read this the other night as well.
late at night....and when i hit the line "tom cruise makes me cough up fetus" i snorted very loudly...which made little black cocker spaniel bart...which woke up the wife from a sound sleep.
oh well, it was worth it.
8 - Dawn
I.sat.on.the.edge.of.my.seat.
That was funny, delightful, sad and then tragic. Like Shakespeare.
That WOMAN IS A FOOL. A FOOL I TELL YOU!!!
9 - Eric Olsen
sometimes the suppression of a snort can have grave seismic consequences
10 - Victor Plenty
This great piece just goes to prove a line I heard Garrison Keillor say once (forgive me if he's not to your tastes, but I find this line apt in many circumstances):
"Nothing bad ever happens to a writer; everything is material."
We're fortunate to have you weaving your material into such fine writing for us, Duke.
11 - Bennett
Mark,
I have to ask...
"which made little black cocker spaniel bart"
A) take the subway from Oakland to SF
b) bark
c) flatulate
I'm hoping that it's A or B, as the thought that your snort caused your dog to fart make me laugh uncontrollably.
Oh your poor wife...
12 - deano
I'll say it again - for the record:
Goddamn Duke. God. Damn.
It needed repeating.
13 - Dave Nalle
I laughed, I cried, I wet my diaper.
Dave
14 - Mark Sahm
If only the stat counters told us how many kids hit this post looking for H-Pot material and discovering Duke's rant instead.
But quite amusing. At least you tried, man... most people never bother.
15 - Eric Olsen
they need a little slap of reality
16 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
hey folks! good lord, who knew such kind responses would be found at the tail-end of this woeful tale!?
apologies for not gettin back to the fore sooner, you'll be out your head to learn that the computer broke down last night around ten, and from then till now i had to keep myself sane by rambling into a notebook. a thesis will emerge eventually, i dare say.
again, thanks a hella lot folks. and the folks who said they read this on the mondo thingy, thank you, and know that this version is the definitve account, what with the prologue / epilogue etc and the touch-ups here and there.
i think i might encounter HPW again tomorow, if recent history is anything to go by. this time, no rants will result. possibly an embaressed and awkward shuffle past an then headfirst into some paperback or other. hurah!
thanks again folks
17 - Eric Berlin
It would be pretty rad if you print out this very page and hand it to her, then without a word push past her as though you've moved on with your life and past this momentous yet trifling episode!
18 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
dear god, EB! once upon a time i MAY have harboured notions along the lines of passing a similar text relating to a similar situation to a similar lady, but the idea of doin so AFTER the fact is nothing short of criminal!! haha, dear god. mind you, it's just demented enough a scheme for to have snared my attentions...
19 - Eric Berlin
Once upon a time, dear old EB passed a 14-page (legal-sized paper, for some reason) ode of love and sonnets and Deepest Thought to a friend with whom he hoped there could be something more... Vast awkwardness came of it, was the upshot.
Weird thing is that she started dating one of my oldest friends. This was about 13 years ago... and they're still dating, living together happily way up in Maine.
Go figure!
20 - Victor Plenty
At least your hard work benefited someone.
21 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
EB, a fantastic anecdote! i've been shoved in the direction of doin similar of various occasions, but other than a prologned bout of chasing in high school, it never came to such affairs. when there was some sort of hint of progress offered, then, perhaps, i maybe bombarded with plenty such items, but the ideas of droppin them out the blue, i never did that. well, cept for times in bars leaving stuff sitting in eye-view of certain ladies and pretendin i didn't know they could see it. haha, dear god
22 - Eric Berlin
I should have added that I was the one who introduced my platonic lady friend with my old friend. Ahh... but that was back in younger, more innocent days. Then I soon graduated to consuming enough liquid courage so that I might be able to speak to young ladies at social events.
Reminds me of a fantastic line from Swingers when Mikey bats away Trent's attempts at building up his ego by saying, "It was college... they drink, they don't know any better."
23 - Mary K. Williams
I think I'm seconding and thirding pretty much what everyone else had to say. I loved reading this.
In reality, to present HPW with this tome of angst could prove to be awkward -
but ohh, in the fantasy world? Hollyshite!
Seriously, how fucking flattering it would be to hear that about oneself. If anyone did that for me? How very cool.
24 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
Mary, sorry i missed your comment till now! thank you for the kind words!