But herein lies the trouble;
How does one approach such a task, to converse in such a way with a lady he may very well have fantasized about in great detail, but who, nonetheless, is a mystery to him? What age is she? Is she single, even? How can a man begin to make inroads towards the necessary banter?
It's not like in a pub when it's obvious a fella's gonna be fixin for to go ask folks left and right these sortsa things. This is a sober situation, and a sober Duke, a long sober Duke, in fact, in a crowded area filled with folks thirsting for to send horrific sheets of taunting cum flinging t'wards the heavens with the glee afforded by some poor bastard's misfortune.
So how come, on this most terrible Friday, The Duke decides that no, as Jandek is my witness, I will, by God's knuckles I will approach this lady, I will say something along the lines of "Hi, I don't know if you know, but Blogcritic Aaman Lamba considered me to be very attractive, and I think it only right that you should take this into consideration 'pon learning of my affections towards you."
It made no sense. What possesses a man to go bounding into these kindsa episodes with not even a name for to pin on this enigmatic maiden?
What deranged notions lead The Duke to the train station at roughly 15 past the 1700, looking round about for any and all hints of Harry Potter Woman?
There were no hints to be found, but no matter, I assumed she worked in the town, assumed it'd most likely be half past before she wandered through the doors. In the meantime, I watched a fella flinging chips to the pigeons, listened to a gaggle of drunken footballers holler about something or other in a language no human ear could ever hope to decipher.
The train arrives, and all I can do is get the seat closest to the bridge, so as I have untainted view of all passengers heading this way. Will Harry Potter Woman be among them? Who knew? Certainly not the two fellas sat directly in front of me, wondering why this bizarre, twitching malcontent was so keen on straining to see past them every two seconds.
I feel it fair to say, see, that a fella's physical appearance may have been a tad disconcerting. On account of the nerves, I figured the best thing to do would be drench my innards in caffeine, thereby stimulating the fret-glands beyond any rational expectations, with the theory being that eventually the fuckers would explode in my guts, and a serene calm would result.
Article comments
1 - Deano
Goddamn Duke. God. Damn.
That post was....superlative.
2 - Eric Berlin
Duke -- I read this last week or so on your Mondo site and already told you privately that it's one of my very favorite pieces of yours.
This must certainly make its way to the forefront of a Romantic Wanderings and Lamentations as Told By The Duke book of some variety.
Seriously -- this is brilliant writing, brilliant storytelling right here.
3 - Eric Olsen
WE love you Duker, and the right woman will too, one of these minutes-hours-days-weeks-months (I will go no further).
You really do have the ability to grab a reader and absolutely control his/her attention with power of a spell. It's a gift.
4 - Eric Olsen
"as Jandek is my witness" - classic! He of the untuned barbed wire guitar strings
5 - Bennett
Yeah, what all of these folks said, and what I've said on other occasions.
Thanks Duke.
6 - Aaman
Love ya, Duke - and all yer ramblings:)
7 - Mark Saleski
yea, i read this the other night as well.
late at night....and when i hit the line "tom cruise makes me cough up fetus" i snorted very loudly...which made little black cocker spaniel bart...which woke up the wife from a sound sleep.
oh well, it was worth it.
8 - Dawn
I.sat.on.the.edge.of.my.seat.
That was funny, delightful, sad and then tragic. Like Shakespeare.
That WOMAN IS A FOOL. A FOOL I TELL YOU!!!
9 - Eric Olsen
sometimes the suppression of a snort can have grave seismic consequences
10 - Victor Plenty
This great piece just goes to prove a line I heard Garrison Keillor say once (forgive me if he's not to your tastes, but I find this line apt in many circumstances):
"Nothing bad ever happens to a writer; everything is material."
We're fortunate to have you weaving your material into such fine writing for us, Duke.
11 - Bennett
Mark,
I have to ask...
"which made little black cocker spaniel bart"
A) take the subway from Oakland to SF
b) bark
c) flatulate
I'm hoping that it's A or B, as the thought that your snort caused your dog to fart make me laugh uncontrollably.
Oh your poor wife...
12 - deano
I'll say it again - for the record:
Goddamn Duke. God. Damn.
It needed repeating.
13 - Dave Nalle
I laughed, I cried, I wet my diaper.
Dave
14 - Mark Sahm
If only the stat counters told us how many kids hit this post looking for H-Pot material and discovering Duke's rant instead.
But quite amusing. At least you tried, man... most people never bother.
15 - Eric Olsen
they need a little slap of reality
16 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
hey folks! good lord, who knew such kind responses would be found at the tail-end of this woeful tale!?
apologies for not gettin back to the fore sooner, you'll be out your head to learn that the computer broke down last night around ten, and from then till now i had to keep myself sane by rambling into a notebook. a thesis will emerge eventually, i dare say.
again, thanks a hella lot folks. and the folks who said they read this on the mondo thingy, thank you, and know that this version is the definitve account, what with the prologue / epilogue etc and the touch-ups here and there.
i think i might encounter HPW again tomorow, if recent history is anything to go by. this time, no rants will result. possibly an embaressed and awkward shuffle past an then headfirst into some paperback or other. hurah!
thanks again folks
17 - Eric Berlin
It would be pretty rad if you print out this very page and hand it to her, then without a word push past her as though you've moved on with your life and past this momentous yet trifling episode!
18 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
dear god, EB! once upon a time i MAY have harboured notions along the lines of passing a similar text relating to a similar situation to a similar lady, but the idea of doin so AFTER the fact is nothing short of criminal!! haha, dear god. mind you, it's just demented enough a scheme for to have snared my attentions...
19 - Eric Berlin
Once upon a time, dear old EB passed a 14-page (legal-sized paper, for some reason) ode of love and sonnets and Deepest Thought to a friend with whom he hoped there could be something more... Vast awkwardness came of it, was the upshot.
Weird thing is that she started dating one of my oldest friends. This was about 13 years ago... and they're still dating, living together happily way up in Maine.
Go figure!
20 - Victor Plenty
At least your hard work benefited someone.
21 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
EB, a fantastic anecdote! i've been shoved in the direction of doin similar of various occasions, but other than a prologned bout of chasing in high school, it never came to such affairs. when there was some sort of hint of progress offered, then, perhaps, i maybe bombarded with plenty such items, but the ideas of droppin them out the blue, i never did that. well, cept for times in bars leaving stuff sitting in eye-view of certain ladies and pretendin i didn't know they could see it. haha, dear god
22 - Eric Berlin
I should have added that I was the one who introduced my platonic lady friend with my old friend. Ahh... but that was back in younger, more innocent days. Then I soon graduated to consuming enough liquid courage so that I might be able to speak to young ladies at social events.
Reminds me of a fantastic line from Swingers when Mikey bats away Trent's attempts at building up his ego by saying, "It was college... they drink, they don't know any better."
23 - Mary K. Williams
I think I'm seconding and thirding pretty much what everyone else had to say. I loved reading this.
In reality, to present HPW with this tome of angst could prove to be awkward -
but ohh, in the fantasy world? Hollyshite!
Seriously, how fucking flattering it would be to hear that about oneself. If anyone did that for me? How very cool.
24 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
Mary, sorry i missed your comment till now! thank you for the kind words!