It stands to reason that a man might make the following announcement to Sir Fleming, head of Mondo Guerrilla Marketing, shortly thereafter;
"Sir Fleming, I dare say I've made a fantastic discovery. It turns out a hitherto undetected yet wonderful lass resides within this very town, a lass who is apparently a fan of those Potter things, and also, I'd imagine, probably all manner of obscure poetry from out the Spanish Civil War. I can only assume we'll end up reciting Lorca to one another in the midst of some tumultuous carnage of some sort that none of us could've predicted, and our last words, probably they'll be "It was five o'clock in the afternoon…", or maybe something by Stryper."
I kept a close eye on the streets throughout the next fortnight. Where might she be, this mysterious Harry Potter Woman? Who is she? What was she listening to in those head-phones? Dare I assume that it might've been Dizzie Rascal or The Rakes or Ryan Adams or Nebraska by Bruce Springsteen or, holy shit, maybe it was Fuck Forever by Babyshambles? Maybe it was Gram Parsons?
Alas, it seemed hopeless. Plenty faces passed a fella by, none of which had the delightful shoulder-length red hair, none of which had the penetrating eyes going on, the eyes a fella might be inclined to drop a million clichés in honour of.
And then!
Last week, myself and Sir Fleming stood discussing Harry Potter Woman, her elusive nature, how come Rubber Johnny turned out to be so fucking shit and so on, when who should appear down yonder street??
Only a drunkard! Asking everyone where they came from, who their folks were, and oh aye, I know him, used to drink in The Central?
But fuck him, since behind him, holy shit! It's only Harry Potter Woman! She's wandering into the station for to board yonder train, same as before, Dear God, Sir Fleming, I'd wager she gets this train every Saturday! Possibly every day, even!
And more - As she walked into the station, I decided the time was right for to fix her with the kinda glance can only mean a fella's got a headfull of loving perversions.
Astonishingly, she held the gaze, right till she was in past the automatic doors.
For fucks sakes, though. I wasn't getting the train that day. Regardless, I considered running in and demanding to know her name, her number and her possible whereabouts this fine July evening.
But no.
However, plenty conversations were held with Sir Fleming, talk of "I will, mark my words, I will ask this lass out. Or at the very least, I will compose a great many verses about it all."
Article comments
1 - Deano
Goddamn Duke. God. Damn.
That post was....superlative.
2 - Eric Berlin
Duke -- I read this last week or so on your Mondo site and already told you privately that it's one of my very favorite pieces of yours.
This must certainly make its way to the forefront of a Romantic Wanderings and Lamentations as Told By The Duke book of some variety.
Seriously -- this is brilliant writing, brilliant storytelling right here.
3 - Eric Olsen
WE love you Duker, and the right woman will too, one of these minutes-hours-days-weeks-months (I will go no further).
You really do have the ability to grab a reader and absolutely control his/her attention with power of a spell. It's a gift.
4 - Eric Olsen
"as Jandek is my witness" - classic! He of the untuned barbed wire guitar strings
5 - Bennett
Yeah, what all of these folks said, and what I've said on other occasions.
Thanks Duke.
6 - Aaman
Love ya, Duke - and all yer ramblings:)
7 - Mark Saleski
yea, i read this the other night as well.
late at night....and when i hit the line "tom cruise makes me cough up fetus" i snorted very loudly...which made little black cocker spaniel bart...which woke up the wife from a sound sleep.
oh well, it was worth it.
8 - Dawn
I.sat.on.the.edge.of.my.seat.
That was funny, delightful, sad and then tragic. Like Shakespeare.
That WOMAN IS A FOOL. A FOOL I TELL YOU!!!
9 - Eric Olsen
sometimes the suppression of a snort can have grave seismic consequences
10 - Victor Plenty
This great piece just goes to prove a line I heard Garrison Keillor say once (forgive me if he's not to your tastes, but I find this line apt in many circumstances):
"Nothing bad ever happens to a writer; everything is material."
We're fortunate to have you weaving your material into such fine writing for us, Duke.
11 - Bennett
Mark,
I have to ask...
"which made little black cocker spaniel bart"
A) take the subway from Oakland to SF
b) bark
c) flatulate
I'm hoping that it's A or B, as the thought that your snort caused your dog to fart make me laugh uncontrollably.
Oh your poor wife...
12 - deano
I'll say it again - for the record:
Goddamn Duke. God. Damn.
It needed repeating.
13 - Dave Nalle
I laughed, I cried, I wet my diaper.
Dave
14 - Mark Sahm
If only the stat counters told us how many kids hit this post looking for H-Pot material and discovering Duke's rant instead.
But quite amusing. At least you tried, man... most people never bother.
15 - Eric Olsen
they need a little slap of reality
16 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
hey folks! good lord, who knew such kind responses would be found at the tail-end of this woeful tale!?
apologies for not gettin back to the fore sooner, you'll be out your head to learn that the computer broke down last night around ten, and from then till now i had to keep myself sane by rambling into a notebook. a thesis will emerge eventually, i dare say.
again, thanks a hella lot folks. and the folks who said they read this on the mondo thingy, thank you, and know that this version is the definitve account, what with the prologue / epilogue etc and the touch-ups here and there.
i think i might encounter HPW again tomorow, if recent history is anything to go by. this time, no rants will result. possibly an embaressed and awkward shuffle past an then headfirst into some paperback or other. hurah!
thanks again folks
17 - Eric Berlin
It would be pretty rad if you print out this very page and hand it to her, then without a word push past her as though you've moved on with your life and past this momentous yet trifling episode!
18 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
dear god, EB! once upon a time i MAY have harboured notions along the lines of passing a similar text relating to a similar situation to a similar lady, but the idea of doin so AFTER the fact is nothing short of criminal!! haha, dear god. mind you, it's just demented enough a scheme for to have snared my attentions...
19 - Eric Berlin
Once upon a time, dear old EB passed a 14-page (legal-sized paper, for some reason) ode of love and sonnets and Deepest Thought to a friend with whom he hoped there could be something more... Vast awkwardness came of it, was the upshot.
Weird thing is that she started dating one of my oldest friends. This was about 13 years ago... and they're still dating, living together happily way up in Maine.
Go figure!
20 - Victor Plenty
At least your hard work benefited someone.
21 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
EB, a fantastic anecdote! i've been shoved in the direction of doin similar of various occasions, but other than a prologned bout of chasing in high school, it never came to such affairs. when there was some sort of hint of progress offered, then, perhaps, i maybe bombarded with plenty such items, but the ideas of droppin them out the blue, i never did that. well, cept for times in bars leaving stuff sitting in eye-view of certain ladies and pretendin i didn't know they could see it. haha, dear god
22 - Eric Berlin
I should have added that I was the one who introduced my platonic lady friend with my old friend. Ahh... but that was back in younger, more innocent days. Then I soon graduated to consuming enough liquid courage so that I might be able to speak to young ladies at social events.
Reminds me of a fantastic line from Swingers when Mikey bats away Trent's attempts at building up his ego by saying, "It was college... they drink, they don't know any better."
23 - Mary K. Williams
I think I'm seconding and thirding pretty much what everyone else had to say. I loved reading this.
In reality, to present HPW with this tome of angst could prove to be awkward -
but ohh, in the fantasy world? Hollyshite!
Seriously, how fucking flattering it would be to hear that about oneself. If anyone did that for me? How very cool.
24 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
Mary, sorry i missed your comment till now! thank you for the kind words!