Shark ponders...
Shark Ponders the Imponderable — and comes up with...…
"A sinister cabal of superior writers."
The Top 100 Guitarists Ponder Intelligent Design in the Propaganda of Cindy Sheehan — Who Once Considered an Abortion Peformed by a Gay Married Couple - Comments Page 2
Article comments
— go to most recent comments26 - El Bicho
There have even been pointless episodes of "The Simpsons."
Try pointless "seasons".
27 - nugget
EB said,
"Should every one of his posts be framed and put in a bullet-proof glass case? Probably not -- but I can't help thinking that some of the backlash is born of jealousy or other "issues.""
definitely. Not the jealousy part but the other issues. The first time I read through a thread on BC.org, shark was flaming away at some kid for his own rants. It was silly, irresponsible, and embarassing. Eric if you equate those qualities with a good blogcritic or internet personality then I could lump you in with those in my mind when I termed some shark fans as "groupies." No offense to your taste in satire or the funny, but i KNOW shark is a quack.
28 - Eric Berlin
I don't agree with everything Shark says or stands for, and I obviously haven't read every one of his comments, but I generally enjoy his stuff.
29 - LegendaryMonkey
You are free to express, as you did (with apparently less of a reason to do so).
Oh, well, he gave me an early morning giggle so I felt it best to rally 'round the Shark standard for a few minutes. Considering some of the comments I've read around here recently, I think he's got a very good point.
30 - Duece
I don't know. Holdsworth has GOT to rate better than 7.
31 - The Duke
"Your eyes shine with the greed of a misplaced tea strainer"
This is incredible... I lost my tea ball and was going crazy this morning looking for it... it's now on the shopping list.
32 - Al Barger
Muqtada al-Sadr? You about a funny sumbitch ain't ya Shark? Couldn't be I looked like somebody cool, Dr John, perhaps. I'm voting #1.
Hey, I have an idea. How's about you put up a few photos of yer bad Shark self for MY amusement?
33 - Shark
Ohhh, I'm being attacked by tiny phosphor dots on a screen!
Hep me! Hep me!
~yawn
=========
First, thanks to my groupies, digital ex-lovers, and reluctant fans.
Secondly,
to Sussman: I'm boring -- and you review baseball games? (See Irony for more)
to nugget (aka: "my little semi-precious clod of iron pyrites"): Shark's "humor" is original, insightful, stimulating, and most of all: profound. And you just don't get it.
To all others:
1) Interesting that a meta-meta post on nothing in particular has become ABOUT ME. I love that.
2) Here's a question: Would you rather be stuck in an elevator with:
a) ME
b) Dave Nalle
c) John Bambenek
d) nugget
3) As much as I hate explaining my profound philosophical aphorisms disguised as your typical sub-counter-culture I hate corporate america everything's ironic bush sucks i love rock-n-roll -- I find I have to do it a lot on Blogcritics.
So here goes:
the "Joke" was over by the time you started reading.
4) I'm so renowned as an America hating, Bush loathing liberal asshole, that I thought it best to lighten up the repertoire every now and then -- as sort of a humorous gesture of love and lightness. I'm just glad to know EVEN THAT pissed some people off.
...now where's today's "intelligent design" post?
34 - Shark
Al, you know I love ya -- and I wouldn't have done it if I hadn't thought you were one of the few people who had the self-condifence and centeredness to see the humor of it.
(and the astounding similarities)
BTW: Yep, never thought of it, but you could be Dr. John's grandson! Nice!
(And I'll try to accomodate you on the photo. You'll really love me after you see what I look like!)
35 - Shark
Eric Berlin: "...I don't agree with everything Shark says..."
Eric, seriously, I DON'T AGREE WITH EVERTHING I SAY.
36 - Eric Berlin
Then simply therein you exhibit qualities so rare as to be seldom seen in all of the magical virtual realm known as the blogosphere.
37 - Al Barger
Shark, might I add that you're ugly and your Mama dresses you funny.
XOX
38 - Matthew T. Sussman
Proof Shark doesn't think before he types:
Shark's claim: Sussman thinks Shark is boring.
Where Sussman said this in the thread: _______.
I even checked Google ... and nothing.
Stick to making fun of conservatives and/or taking criticism like a big boy.
39 - gonzo marx
/golfclap
thanx fer the Funny, Shark...
as fer the elevator bit...
Bambinek is far too sour
Nalle would be too gamey
unless nugget is made out of chicken(which i doubt)
then i would have ta go with Shark-fin soup!!
i mean, ya don't know how long we would be stuck inthe elevator...and i can get a might peckish...
i'm just sayin'
Excelsior!
40 - Shark
First there was Dada, which was doomed to failure because its birth contained the seeds of its own destruction.
Now there is SHARK, whose destruction contains the seeds of its own birth.
Hail SHARK.
SHARK lives because passion has died.
SHARK aspires to boredom, a self-consuming boredom which can only end in theft and murder as daily suburban adventures.
SHARK sees guns as sexual organs, death as intercourse with skeletons and ghosts, and bullets as metallic spermatozoa on Crack.
SHARK sees Urban Guerrilla Warfare as the New Orgy.
Drink poison at SHARK'S breast and celebrate your own hypnotized mortality.
SHARK knows that Andre Breton would love Pat Robertson and Osama Bin Laden equally.
DADA = "rocking horse" in French
DADA = babytalk in German
DADA = yes-yes in Romanian
DADA = "dice" in some Italian dialects
MAMA = Museum of Americans Missing Alive
MAMA = Moratorium Announcing Miserable Anguish
MAMA = Men Against Men And...
MAMA = Mad Anarchists Marching Away
SHARK = sand tossed in the imaginary gears of a shopping mall salad.
SHARK knows that the only Truly Free Man is a terrorist.
SHARK believes the UNABOMBER was RIGHT.
SHARK believes that the world has a death wish, that life is not meant to be lived, but to be purchased -- and that HAVING is much better than BEING.
SHARK means to expedite, fulfill, renew, feed and encourage that desire for destruction in the name of creating a blank boring identity, to destroy the church of Humankind's most holy desires, those manufactured Wish Lists that haunt dead hearts functioning in the eternal Christmas Shopping Season.
SHARK believes Santa Claus is the Messiah, that Bambi's mother died for our sins, and that Rudolph's Nose -- although able to lead our Savior in The Long Night of Shopping for Ginsu Knives -- is unable to cure itself from an eternal radioactive glow caused by overexposure to television, cell phones, and the unknown effects of genetically-engineered deer corn.
SHARK carries numerous credit cards, always takes them to their limits, denies the debt, is constantly on the MOVE, and then dies before collection agencies can find a correct address.
SHARK believes that the more you consume, the less you live --which is the goal of every true FISH.
SHARK leaves an estate that is bankrupt for generations to follow.
SHARK is the Pope saying "Trust in God" while standing behind bulletproof glass.
SHARK PREFERS:
appliances over love,
shoes over happiness,
mindless sex over erotic lucidity,
entertainment over activity,
spectacle over wakefulness,
shopping over prayer,
hypnosis over transcendence,
lying over honesty,
AND
crimes over compassion.
SHARK is FOR abortion and AGAINST stem-cell research"since one decreases potential humans and the other increases a futile hope for those who suffer.
SHARK is FOR abortion because it is the taking of life in a quest for convenience, one of the highest ideals of the new AQUATIC CULTURE.
AQUATIC Culture can be grown anywhere; the world is a Petri dish and UNoriginal ideas are virulent strains of Ebola.
SHARK votes for Compassionate Conservatives in order to quicken the Apocalypse and reduce the duration of pain among the poor and the powerless.
SHARK believes ALL species should be on the endangered list, but that Man is the only one that really belongs there.
SHARK declares Art to be a Two People in Laz-E-Boys Watching Two Other People On Television Discussing The Purchase Of A Reproduction Of A Signed Numbered Print Of A Soup Can.
SHARK is for everything and against Nothing. SHARK makes rules that are to be disobeyed.
SHARK believes that Lying in the only valid form of communication.
SHARK is the fact that proves all facts are false.
SHARK is a leper in a hot tub.
If the world is a hamburger, SHARK is a mad cow.
SHARK'S primary value system is TO BE CHEAP AND DISPOSABLE.
SHARK takes a lot of shit off machines.
SHARK always answers the phone.
SHARK believes one can beep God, but He's not listening.
SHARK hates haters -- and thinks that a good whipping is an appropriate way to punish a child in order to teach them that hitting is wrong.
SHARK wants to disturb the ceremonies.
SHARK wants to negate the bankrupt politics of a morally corrupt culture, destroy the stages where debates are held, fire guns during pacifistic speeches, and shoot cream-pies using RPGs found in black markets in Iraq.
SHARK thinks:
...Didactics are the dangerous masturbations of the blind.
...Science is a bad faith parading as Religion.
...Religion is a bad hypothesis parading as Science.
...If our leaders are logical, if you are logical, if your thoughts are logical -- then SHARK aspires to be primitive and irrational.
SHARK can prove the Intelligent Design is the final Evolution in PATAPHYSICS, ie "the science of imaginary solutions."
--- to be continued ---
"I should give each listener the chance to link for himself suitable associations. It would hold the characteristic elements of his personality, intermingled, fragmented... etc. -- remaining nevertheless in the direction in which the author canalizes it."
--- to be continued ---
41 - Eric Berlin
Now that was good!
42 - Temple Stark
It's the easist thing in the world to take pot shots at other Blogritics - it's like shooting fish in a barrel (ooh, see?).
But to elevate it to a post is weak. That's all. Believe it or not very few people care about the going's on of Blogcritics "personalities." EXcept other BCers.
Generally speaking - just deliver the goods and get out of the way. Be respected for something other than sheer quantity.
43 - Al Barger
At the risk of insulting you, that comment 40 was getting close to poetry. Except for the lack of Al content, it was probably even better than the original post.
44 - gonzo marx
we're not worthy
Excelsior!
45 - Eric Berlin
Agreed, Al and Gonzo...
46 - Shark
Poetry!? Big Al, you want POETRY?!
All ya hadda do was ask...
47 - Al Barger
Oh shit, what have I started?
48 - gonzo marx
reap what ya sow, big Al...
a lil gonzo ditty fer ya, Al..while ya wait...in a nice country key of A
my Karma ran over my Dogma,
my Gnosis ran over to See;
my Karma ran over my Dogma...
oh, bring back my Karma to meeeEEEeee!
i'm here all week, kiddies..
Excelsior!
49 - Shark
Now yer talkin'!
(To the tune of "DECK THE HALLS")
Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
Walla Walla, Wash, an' Kalamazoo!
Nora's freezin' on the trolley,
Swaller dollar cauliflower alley-garoo!
Don't we know archaic barrel
Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou?
Trolley Molly don't love Harold,
Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!
Bark us all bow-wows of folly,
Polly wolly cracker 'n' too-da-loo!
Donkey Bonny brays a carol,
Antelope Cantaloupe, 'lope with you!
Hunky Dory's pop is lolly gaggin' on the wagon,
Willy, folly go through!
Chollie's collie barks at Barrow,
Harum scarum five alarm bung-a-loo!
Dunk us all in bowls of barley,
Hinky dinky dink an' polly voo!
Chilly Filly's name is Chollie,
Chollie Filly's jolly chilly view halloo!
Bark us all bow-wows of folly,
Double-bubble, toyland trouble! Woof, woof, woof!
Tizzy seas on melon collie!
Dibble-dabble, scribble-scrabble! Goof, goof, goof!
== with love, respect, and admiration for the late, great Walt Kelly ==
50 - Temple Stark
We have met the enemy ... and he is us.
apt.
51 - gonzo marx
Pogo for the win!!
but i digress...
Excelsior!
52 - LegendaryMonkey
But to elevate it to a post is weak. That's all. Believe it or not very few people care about the going's on of Blogcritics "personalities." EXcept other BCers.
I can see your point there, Senor Stark. Either I'm rather slow lately, or perhaps we weren't communicating effectively. I dunno. But I think saying it's weak is a bit harsh. There's been a right sea of bullshit around here lately and maybe Shark just took the easy way out and wrote a post instead of 349285 comments.
And yet, any sort of forum like this will develop a certain circle of posters who offer polite reach-arounds to one another in the form of such. At least this was an example of the funny in that, eh? We gossip and clique up. It's the nature of the human animal. As long as Shark churns out some funny with his reach-arounds, I'm not terribly concerned, and I do appreciate the funny.
Besides, most of the crap going on hasn't involved actual BCs, but Joe Random Posters who wander in and forget to wander out again.
But hey. After wading through the comments of particular troll hereabouts, anything half intelligent is likely to make me glow like a pretty, pretty star.
(Yes, I realize there's a whole other thread going on here, but if you'll excuse me, I'm having a conversation with Mr. Stark. Hijack alert. Build a bridge, chumps! though I might pirate "the world is a petri dish" for my own perverse use there... hmmm...)
-LM, victim of coffee overload
53 - nugget
hehe.
cmon shark i almost thought you were an original until you snuck walt kelly's name in the credits. tsk tsk. Alas quoting a comic strip author is not poetry. Can you not improvise???
i think i know why "yer" yellin' shark. Your lifelines of dark underground counter-culture dark venue junkyard havens are disappearing! 'Lo the overpopulation and the STING of big corporations. Your house is already rundown, lest there is somewhere to hide, your quackery is going to tattle tail! Quack quack is all I read when the mighty SHARK posts. Do you avoid people that much under the sun? keep barking and quacking like a scared duck. Your wingspan is only stretches from webster to your keyboard. A true mind THINKS in riddles and associations, outside of words....most folks with horse sense will always know that you are a swindler to the enth degree. copy and paste more and it will only make me sad.
carry on with your debacle! Its creative parameters are so bland and straight I'm actually beginning visualize the BOX.
54 - nugget
"to"
I brace for the typo patrol. Who's on it doggonit??
55 - Temple Stark
It's Okay, LM, I guess I've pulled the stick out of my ass. ...
It would have been funny, no doubt, if Shark hadn't done all the things elsewhere he talks about in his post.
... No, not quite ..... There it goes. POP.
56 - LegendaryMonkey
But remember, my dear Mr. Stark, it's National Irony Day. I see you didn't get the memo, either?
57 - DrPat
If it's National Irony Day, I guess I better go get out my board...
58 - Al Barger
Hey Nugget, that #53 was pretty good.
While we're on the subject of reach arounds, XOX to the long beloved Legendary Monkey Girl.
And even that dirty, no goodnik Temple Stark.
59 - LegendaryMonkey
So am I loved! But I dunno if I'm engineered for a proper reach-around. Silly girl parts. I'll just have to slink over into my corner and looked jaded.
60 - Al Barger
That's probably just as well, as I would prefer not to have that new husband dude come beat me up and stuff.
61 - LegendaryMonkey
He'd just pull your beard and run away.
62 - Al Barger
That'd learn me.
63 - Shark
Dear Citoyen Legendary_Monkey,
Thanks for standin' up for the legendary Shark. Endangered animals should stick together.
Guess what: John Bambineck barfs two or three 25 word entries per day from his keyboard -- and there's nary a peep. Yours truly posts almost funny meaningless poetic meanderings -- and the critics crawl outta the Petri dish, stand upright, grow opposable thumbs -- which they proceed to turn DOWN without mercy -- so I appreciate your monkeyness givin' me the thumbs up!
As to Temple Stark, I forgive him; he's BC "management" now. He can't hang out with the peasants and bitch about the big-wigs anymore.
He's a toupee, so he has to exhibit a good attitude (I hate that!) and act happy about stupid executive decisions that -- a few months ago -- would have caused him to pick up a pike and storm the gated community of "The Man".
It's a bummer. When we're takin' a break smokin' and cussin' -- he has to be patrolling the perimeter looking for graffiti. He'd rather be sittin' here with us -- bitchin' about the status quo -- sharing gossip about the digital aristocracy, but Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown.
(BTW: He's not salaried yet, so we can expect that he'll join the Revolution when it arrives.)
xxoo,
Comrade Shark
=====
Dear nugget, my little semi-precious clod of iron pyrites,
"tsk tsk" has been added to the list of banned phrases. (It's only to be used as a code word that means you're ready to give me a blow-job.)
"Lo" and "lest" are allowed -- as long as they're followed by equally bloated and archaic thoughts. Yours, as used above, currently qualify.
As to your allowing me to carry on my debacle: thanks! I love that word. I'll wear it proudly.
And as to your accusations that I'm unoriginal, borrow, steal, and cut & paste:
NEVER, sir! This is my hobby, my passion, and my profession! Each dawn, I sit at my blank keyboard and think:
To write, or not to write: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
the slings and arrows of outrageous motards,
Or to take arms against a sea of half-witted inarticulate trolls,
And by opposing -- end them?
To write: to post;
No more; and by an internet connection error --
to say we end the heart-ache and the thousand idiotic comments
that my posts are heir to.
64 - Eric Olsen
as Dave mentioned, please, dear God, include chickenhawk in the banned list: if ever there was aterm coined to subvert actual policy debate, that is it
as EB said, some great meta observations, although I'm wondering who should be editing all those democratized diarists: when content is king, filtering is queen
65 - Taloran
Shark says Would you rather be stuck in an elevator with....
My answer - Bambenek and a sledgehammer.
66 - Matthew T. Sussman
This logic irks me to no end: "Yeah, well, at least I'm not this writer [pointing to someone else]."
Translation: "OK, you backed me into a corner, but rather than admitting you have a point I'm gonna stroke my ego until you all go away!"
When I was op-editor for the college newspaper I tried to give one of my columnists some feedback, saying the column wasn't good, didn't have a lot of facts or insight, stuff like that. He had the nerve to say in a nutshell, "Yeah well you're stuff's no good, but oh it gets in because you're the editor."
Textbook def of "havin' brass 'uns."
I told him to worry about his own damn writing.
Comparisons are OK if you're saying someone shows flashes of Dave Barry or Anna Quindlen but to contrast it from a poorer writer? Your priorities are in the wrong place.
So if Writer A throws out a dud, people react, then Writer A retorts with "Yeah? Well if you had a choice between me and [Writer B], who would you want?" But suppose there is also an unmentioned Writer C, who is better than both. I'll subscribe to C's newsletter.
67 - DrPat
Thanks, Suss! It's Paper Frigate. For you, a discount!
[grin]
68 - LegendaryMonkey
the slings and arrows of outrageous motards
Now I almost like Hamlet. Wait, no... I still hate it. Obviously, I'm an uneducated, stupid primate-sort.
And I like ol' Senor Stark. He's an honest sort, which is important these days. Honesty is far better than positivity, despite what all the self-help people will tell you.
69 - Timmy
Shark, you write like a pimple-faced teenager who's in love with his 56-year-old English teacher. It's amazing how many "contributors" revere your art. But, then again, unhappy people like to be around those who are equally or more miserable than themselves. Rage on, my brother.
70 - Victor Lana
This post has me worried about two ponderous concerns:
1. There will not be 49 million Depends there when we need them.
2. We will have enough Depends but have no idea where to put 49 million dirty ones.
71 - Shark
Sussman referring to Shark: "This logic irks me to no end..."
I don't do logic. How many fucking times do I have to tell you?
I DON'T DO LOGIC.
Find a new "fault."
PS: Matthew, How 'bout them Hy-wah-yuns?!
72 - The Theory
Newsflash! A recent report by drudge says that Blogcritics.org must, quote, "Get a Clue" and cries to Shark, specifically, to "Grow Up."
Seriously, though. I really liked the title to this piece. Probably because I get approximately 10 emails a day informing me that a new comment has been posted to the article "The Top 100 Guitarists According To Rolling STone." I stopped reading them, what? a year ago?
73 - Shark
Sussman mocking Shark's internal 'voice': "OK, you backed me into a corner, but rather than admitting you have a point I'm gonna stroke my ego until you all go away!"
Sussman trotting out his own 'resume' as a peripheral masturbatory, ego STROKING act: "When I was op-editor for the college newspaper I tried to give one of my columnists some feedback..."
Ohhh... wow, what college?!
74 - Silas Kain
Shark says: I'll start writing better when BC starts paying better.
I think that BC should become a 527s organization. That way it would get more press, generate revenues for the people here that deserve to get some financial rewards and, face it, the whole concept would just piss people off.
75 - Eric Olsen
interesting concept