Shark Ponders the Imponderable — and comes up with...
* New Blogcritics Rule: You are not allowed to use the following phrases against your 'opponents' in Blogcritics comments:
"Get a clue!"
"Grow up!"
"Newsflash..."
"Well Duh!"
"A recent report by Drudge said..."
Any reference to "Koolaid"
By using these phrases, Violators are offering explicit evidence that they have a cliched, unoriginal, colorless, drab, dull, insipid, interminable, irksome, lifeless, monotonous, stale, stodgy, stupid, tedious, tiresome, trite MIND.
Your ISP will be banned, and you will be forced to read your own blog with a *Nazi Editor/Proofreader looking over your shoulder.
(*Also: typing the word "Nazi" will also get you banned!)
* Who was the first Art Museum Director in history to decide that stuffing your face was an integral part of the art museum experience?
* Whenever you want to defeat or humiliate a political opponent, invoke 9/11 and add the phrase "Have you forgotten!?" Works every time!
* The most distinguishing feature of the contemporary Universe: EVERYTHING is OVERDESIGNED and under-edited.
* When I was a kid, olives came in jars with ALL OF THE PIMENTO facing OUTWARD.
Questions:
How did they do that?
They don't do it anymore, and yet olives cost more than when they did.
Why?
* The internet — while seen as the "democratization of information" — has allowed billions of morons to upload their boring, semi-literate ramblings onto a world wide network where no one will read them. Ironic that the internet's greatest contribution to Humankind has been the obsolescence of the cute little personal, locked diary under a kid's bed.
* Marshall McLuhan would probably see the internet as an extension of what human activity? Pissing in a bank of snow? Spray-painting a slogan in some obscure back-alley? Vomiting with a melody? Whistling via farts?
* Content has been replaced by visuals, movement, and repetition.
* Actually, a picture is worth very few words.
* A moving picture is worth even fewer.
* Content has been replaced by visuals, movement, and repetition.
* "Absolutely!" is a pretentious way of saying "Yes."
* George W. Bush reminds me of Nixon without the intelligence.
* Content has been replaced by visuals, movement, and repetition.
* Top Ten Guitarists: (criteria: virtuosity, originality, composition skills, historical significance)
1) Steve Morse
2) Django Rheinhardt
3) Jimi Hendrix
4) Stevie Ray Vaughn
5) John McLaughlin
6) Frank Zappa
7) Allan Holdsworth
8) Al DiMeola
9) Robert Johnson
10) V.M. Bhatt
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - Bennett
Heh! Where's the Cindy Bits?
JB eat your heart out. THIS is googlebombing!
Thanks for the grins.
2 - Mark Sahm
Your eyes shine with the greed of a misplaced tea strainer, Shark. Thanks for the laughs.
Although I consider the AB photos mildly responsible for my morning indigestion.
3 - Dave Nalle
Having seen pictures of Al Barger and Muqtad al Sadr side by side now, I only want to know what level their highest level D&D characters reached.
Oh, and your list of forbidden phrases and words is incomplete - you left off 'chickenhawk'.
You also forgot to mention the importance of Amazon links - remember if the link is Coulter or Frankin the poster is an ideological bonehad of some sort.
Dave
4 - Temple Stark
yawn
5 - Shark
Temple, sorry, but "yawn" has been added to the list of banned words.
"zzzzzzzzzz..." is okay, though -- especially with the html "blink" code!
6 - Temple Stark
As expected. Navel gazing trype here. No effort - guaranteed.
7 - LegendaryMonkey
"As expected," sayeth Temple.
Then why read it? Did you hope to be pleasantly surprised? Or was it that you looked forward to taking the five seconds to type "yawn" to demonstrate your terrible ennui?
Respectfully,
One Tired Monkey
8 - JR
Re: Al Barger/Al Sadr
Convergent evolution - similar ecological niches lead to similar morphology.
9 - Eric Berlin
Shark... you just blew my mind, man.
Seriously, nice job skewering and a-slicing away at the status quo as only the Shark can do!
10 - Shark
JR, now THAT'S what I'm talkin' bout!
A comment that makes ME laugh!
Thanks, Amigo.
11 - Temple Stark
Well when Shark does a post its usually worth something. This isn't. It's just nothing worthwile reading and I stopped about a third of the way in.
Yawn = expressing an opinion. As in boring and unoriginal.
You are free to express, as you did (with apparently less of a reason to do so).
12 - Shark
Stark, yer kinda surly today. Is it one of those "sunday things"? An old inherent sense that ya gotta get up and go to school tomorrow?
Too much pressure from the Blogcritics editing job?
Well... I appreciate the back-handed compliment, and all I can say is:
I'll start writing better when BC starts paying better.
feh! <---(not prohibited yet)
[Shark exiting stage right in tears]
13 - Silas Kain
I really wish people would stop calling my political opponents chickenhawks. That's a term usually reserved for older gay guys who like younger ones. On second thought, maybe that label is appropriate. These chickenhawks seem to have a penchant for young men in uniform.
Sleep tight, America.
14 - RogerMDillion
"It's just nothing worthwile reading"
Do you mean worthwhile like the new release of a new Paul McCartney record that will quickly end up in the bargain bin or worthwhile like Sean Combs going by yet another name?
15 - Matthew T. Sussman
I liked the first asterisk. After that it spiraled downward and made a Wiley E. Coyote type ring of dust that sailed upward.
Back in the days of college opinion columnry, anytime we saw something written like this that was purposefuly scattered, we knew it was a case of "I feel I should write something but I have nothing but these random thoughts in my head." At this point we thrust ourselves into our chairbacks laughting -- at, not with -- then got up and with a straight face made them write something with substance.
16 - Silas Kain
Personally, Shark, I loved this bit o' satire. Kind of like George Carlin meets Will Rogers after smoking weed with Henry Gibson.
17 - nugget
gag.
I think too many episodes of MAD TV are wearing on Shark's originality and jag off internet syntax sessions. You are a structurel and phrasing language slut. your sense of humor is collectively tired, provocative, boring, but impossible not to read because of your arrogance.
You know how you used to watch Bob Faggot a few years back even though you hated his schtick? I feel that way now but only worse, because your platform is on a bloggers' website and your keyboard sticky notes are your cue cards....and not to mention that one of your "nail in the coffin" flamebits includes reporting typographical errors such as a comma splice. I'm sure if you respond to this post it will be saturated with cutesy nicknames for my handle and IRONICAL numerical lists displaying your skills with an alliteration or garish "i'm better than you" remark. carry on.
18 - DrPat
Re: Al DiMeola -- ABSOLUTELY!
Re: the rest: WHA? <-- not prohibited yet.
Although I liked the bit about Spanish olives, makes me hungry. Come to think of it, I have leftover spaghetti sauce made with slices of jalapeño-stuffed Spanish olives and black olives, ground venison and red peppers, sitting in the fridge.
I'll be back later...
19 - nugget
Matthew t. Sussman said,
"I feel I should write something but I have nothing but these random thoughts in my head." At this point we thrust ourselves into our chairbacks laughting -- at, not with -- then got up and with a straight face made them write something with substance."
nicely put.
20 - Silas Kain
Who is Bob Faggot?
Oh, God, Dr Pat, ground venison. I am envious. I'll bet the addition of the jalapeño-stuffed Spanish olives gives it a real kick. Mangia!!!!!
21 - Eric Berlin
My opinion is that this piece is a fun and at times incisive meta-commentary on the world and the world of Blogcritics.org.
There's far far worse stuff to read round these parts every day by far far more boring / less talented / less passionate / less interesting writers.
It's by virtue of Shark's considerable talents and stature -- and, let's face it, ability to drum up a nice cauldron of controversy every now and again -- that he creates a certain amount of backlash.
<<<<<>>>>>
Does anyone really think the backlash is going to bother Shark one bit?
22 - nugget
EB-- backlash? I wouldn't give shark that much credit. I would give MSS all the backlash credit on BC.org.
Also, shark's humor is your typical sub-counter-culture I hate corporate america everything's ironic bush sucks i love rocknroll etc.....type of humor.
I'd say he is a much less witty version of Bill Maher. If it satisfies to be a local BC hero with a few groupies then I guess that's good enough to stroke his ego.
23 - Silas Kain
And don't you think this place would be boring without a Shark byte, Eric?
24 - Eric Berlin
Yes exactly -- Blogcritics thrives on personalities who have something to say and Shark is both.
Should every one of his posts be framed and put in a bullet-proof glass case? Probably not -- but I can't help thinking that some of the backlash is born of jealousy or other "issues."
25 - Matthew T. Sussman
There's far far worse stuff to read round these parts every day by far far more boring / less talented / less passionate / less interesting writers.
Sounds like an admission that, given the talent/passion of the writer, by the same token it could have been much better.
But there is truth to this. Homestarrunner.com will sometimes lay a bad egg. Dave Barry once in a while goes 800 words to nowhere. There have even been pointless episodes of "The Simpsons."
Plus, if Shark makes a living out of being an attention whore, don't be surprised or sympathetic when he falters and becomes the dead fish bait that gets gobbled up by carnivorous fish.