I really don't know how I started to formulate the various thoughts in my mind as I approached the coining of the term 'self sexual'. Let me start from the few sketches in memory.
It's Oxford, 2006. I'm living across from a plush green field and serene woodlands. I often would walk down there, day or night, wrestling with my depression and sadness that seemed to never relent. I was isolated, didn't have much confidence or will to socialise, and I spent most nights wondering about the dark, bilious film that just wouldn't peel off from my eyes.
This drawn-out defeat in my personal life was kept in check by the persona I projected at work and when I did actually meet people (even girls). I was loud, comedic, able to mimic voices and accents, and outrageous at times. When I was there, I had hope. When I was alone, I had none. Sometimes, whatever I could foster in hope and happiness I could see choke slowly when I was alone. Outside of home, I wanted to understand myself, the world around me, and girls through writing and research; but at home, I did nothing. I really wanted to be a writer. I really wanted to comment on the things in society I didn't understand.
But one day the two worlds started colliding. I unearthed a notebook from high school that had served as my record and assessment for my philosophy class. I decided to rework all the essays in a methodical manner, as a way to provide physiotherapy for my atrophied writing muscles. I was excited. There was hope, for once, away from the workplace. And soon, I put to computer screen the first of my thoughts about this idea, the self sexual. I went through three drafts within a few weeks. And it stopped.
At work, a certain colleague of mine was pursuing postgraduate studies in gender and sociology. I told her about my thoughts and the title of this essay and asked what she thought. She shared some course notes from her studies. And I never used them or looked at them in-depth beyond a cursory first glance after her giving them to me.
This is what I remember of the backdrop, of the sketches in my memory.
I had gone to a bustling university and met a raft of people. I had gotten to know people at depth. I read in a student magazine about the girl who had slept with over 60 guys during her first couple of weeks at university. I knew guys who slept with the most attractive girls in dorms and then dumped them for vain reasons. She had bad breath. She had a hair on her nipple. I saw guys and girls cycle through partners, both one-nights and long-term, like socks. I didn't understand, as girls wouldn't return my interest or affection. No matter how I tried or how much I drank or how hard I partied, it was impossible to understand or be successful with girls.
Article comments
1 - Andrew Horton
Midiane. You write with purpose and pithiness on a subject many think about, but few articulate. Thanks. Andrew.
2 - Elvira Black
Midiane:
Very nice piece. Here's my "two" cents:
Many don't know that the history of Western sexuality has morphed over the centuries. When it comes to theories of women's sexuality, in earlier centuries it was thought that women's sex drive was insatiable. Then in Victorian times, (and with the advent of a post industrial middle class) women were viewed as more delicate creatures and their sex drive or lack of such was not addressed. Many (including Freud) aspired to figure out "what women want." At this point IMO we still struggle with outdated mores and "roles," with women often stuck in the "virgin/whore" dichotomy over and over again.
As for Eastern religions, many were very sexually aware; some even considered sexuality as another way of communing with a higher power. Think Indians and the Kama Sutra, Japan and their pornographic imagery, even Judaism (which traditionally is much less "uptight" about sexuality.
In organized religion, the sexual is political: Catholics must be "fruitful and multiply" and not abort their children so they can, well, produce more obedient Catholics. Promiscuity also muddied up blood lines and inheritances.
But the biological imperative to "be fruitful and multiply" still stumps any amount of analysis. How else to explain the ever rising divorce rate, out of wedlock births, and so on? It astounds me that so few seem to see birth control as a viable option, or that they so often "marry in haste" and "repent at leisure"---leading to an endless cycle of marriage, kids, divorce, more marriage, more kids, divorce...
As for your theory, well, some believe that we are inherently bisexual to some degree. Some other species exhibit this behavior as well. It certainly helps to stymie the already exploding population.
Sexuality is a powerful force that can, as I say, be manipulated for political gain. "Be fruitful and multiply" is an imperative that comes from our limbic brain (which we share with other species) and as with all pleasurable "rewards," whether it be drugs, alcohol, food, sex, etc, it is very hard for the rational brain to argue with this (pre-verbal) force within us, since it is a survival issue; in this case, survival of the species.
In any case, great and though provoking article.
3 - Midiane
Hey Elvira, thanks very much for your comments. You actually mention points I wanted to make in my essay, but left them out as they were either unsubstantiated or bordered on blanket statements. I will develop some ideas, similar to yours, in future essays on BC. So you'll be updated.
Andrew, thanks a lot - your encouragement means a lot.
Midiane.
4 - Elvira Black
That's one of the things I love about BC: the article can be a jumping off point which everyone (writer and reader) can discuss and elaborate on (sometimes almost endlessly).
I look forward to seeing more of your writing here.