I spent my last two years of high school in Shaw, Mississippi. I've often written about how racist the town was, but there's a story I haven't told. You see, for a white guy to have a black girlfriend was (and still is) strictly verboten in the Delta. On the other hand, for a black guy to have a white girlfriend was quite literally to invite a lynching. But I had two factors working against that particular status quo: (1) we had a small business in Shaw and nearly all of our clientele was black, which meant we personally knew a lot of blacks and stayed on good terms with them, and (2) I was in high school and therefore young, dumb, and full of, well, you fill in the blank.
Before I go any further, I was racist. By our standards then, I wasn't racist...but hindsight is 20/20. Of course we – my family and I – didn't consider ourselves racist at all, and you can read about that particular dichotomy here.
But back to the story, One day I made the mistake of confiding to a black friend that I thought a certain girl was really nice and pretty. The next thing I knew, the girl – let's call her Connie (not her real name) – approached me and said to meet at a particular place. One thing quickly led to another, and we soon made plans to skip school and go to my store on a Wednesday when I knew that it would be closed and my mother wouldn't be there. I knew this was going to be The Day that I joined the ranks of those who had actually gotten laid!
Connie met me behind the store, and we went inside (I had a key), headed straight for the back room, and started getting naked really quickly – we were teenagers, after all! Of even less concern was the condom that I'd carried in my wallet for the past two years which decided to fall apart when I tried to put it on. I'd never even heard of venereal diseases then, and the possibility that she might get pregnant was of absolutely zero concern to a teenaged boy who was getting naked with a very pretty girl! I assumed the position and prepared to at long last lose my virginity...
Article comments
1 - Jon Sobel
This is a very moving story.
I think you are probably being way too hard (no pun intended) on yourself. The idea that your dissing a girl in high school set the whole future course of her life seems awfully far-fetched.
2 - Glenn Contrarian
Jon -
It's been my experience that yes, a disappointing relationship and a broken heart can indeed significantly change the course of a girl's life. Her self-esteem is torn down and if she's not able to bring herself back (and especially if she doesn't have anyone to talk to that she can really trust), she's a lot more likely to continue to have a low self-esteem and all the problems that go with it.
Of course the relationship and the broken heart are almost never the only factors, but they can indeed be major factors which trigger all kinds of other harmful influences.
In case you're wondering, I'm of the school of thought that if it were a guy in her position, I'd be the first to tell him to grow a pair, grow up, and get over it. But it's a girl, and girls - even though they are in many ways much tougher on average than men - are IMO less able to toughen their hearts and bounce right back, but are much more likely to keep striving to make the relationship work no matter what. That's one of their major strengths...and one of their major weaknesses. And it's why IMO it's a man's responsibility to be chivalrous, to treat the hearts of women with gentle care.
Yeah, that all sounds silly and too old-fashioned...but that's how I feel.
3 - Retire In Style Blog
This is truly a glimpse into a world I don't understand. My children were raised in a small eastern Oregon community with a very mixed race population. Honestly, in our family there were good people and bad people but the color of their skin did not matter a jot. At least I have never believed it did. Sadly, in that world it was more about money that race.
Thank you for sharing this story. It is good to be reminded that cultural values do not all come in the same sized package. There are lots of variations and choices.
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