The Observer reports today on a television programme certain to provoke a storm.
Laura-Anne Hanrahan is sitting on her doorstep, playing with a pumpkin as she describes how she felt when her boyfriend kissed her.
'Tingly,' she says, dreamily. 'He used to come over and cuddle me and put his hands up my top. It used to feel cosy. I feel desperate to go up to him and say "Ben, why don't we kiss any more". It hurts so much that we don't kiss that I want to rip my heart out and throw it away.'
Laura-Anne, from Siddick, a two-street village near Workington in Cumbria, is nine years old...
Although the programme is not sexually explicit, Steven told The Observer he first had full sex when he was 11, and had been several times to the family planning clinic. All the children said they had their first 'proper kiss with tongues' when they were six or seven.
You can already see the Daily Mail et al going ape over this, but it is a documentary, and it is reality. The reaction in this story is all talking about the sexualisation of children by society, but the fact is that children this age are, in large numbers, starting puberty, the hormones are flowing, and this is what is going to happen.
When I look back to this age at primary school, well it wasn't so much age nine (fifth grade), but certainly by sixth grade (roughly age 10) talk about the other sex, about puberty etc, was a huge part of the school day. (Although come to think of it in fourth grade there was a lot of fuss about a boy in the class who had a mild mental disability. The cruelty of children: the claim was that he had "VD" and that if you touched him you would catch it. I don't think anyone knew what VD was, but there were posters on the train about it.)
My nickname in sixth grade was "bra baby" because I was the first to wear one - and that was because I had to, although several others quickly followed suit with "training" bras. And there was one girl - the class rebel - who reportedly took payment to let others watch as she kissed her boyfriend in the sheltered area behind the loos.
That was thirty years ago, so you can't blame any recent "sexualisation of society".
I can see how it is hard for parents to acknowledge what is happening, but if they don't provide sex education and give children the tools to work through what is going on, the results won't be pretty.
Article comments
1 - Justene Adamec
As a parent, there's a difficult balance. I talk about sex with the girls but some criticize me with the suggestion that I am teaching things they don't need to know. The rule of thumb when they were 6 was to answer the questions they asked and you'd give them what they werre ready for. At 14, I don't think they always ask. So I ask them. "Do you know what they're talking about on the TV show?" "Do you know how you get AIDS?"
2 - Chantal Stone
I have a 10 yr old son, and 8 yr old daughter, and although I don't like to think they are ready to hear everything they need to know about STD's, condoms, and sex in general, I know how important it is that I start these conversations with them, or at least be ready when they have questions. I think back to when I was 8,9,10....I already knew the intricate details of oral sex, various sex positions, I was vaguely aware of STD's and birth control...all thanks to two very worldly older brothers. I look at my children and they still have that innocence of youth that so many children seem to be missing, that I was missing at the same age and I hate to interrupt that with talk about sex and all that it entails, but I know how necessary it is.
3 - Natalie Bennett
It seems to me - and no I'm not a parent, but I was a child once and I am a godparent - is that the best way to do this is that rather than having a big fuss about sitting down to "talk about sex", just don't hide things from children.
So if you are shopping with them and pick up a packet of tampons, make some casual comment about them. If they ask for more info, explain, at a level of complexity suitable to their age. If a friend is having a baby, make again some reference at a level of complexity they'll understand.
So they'll just grow up knowing about the birds and the bees, rather than a big thing being made about them being told.
4 - Chantal Stone
That's great advice, Natalie...and when I was pregnant a few years ago with my 3rd child, I was very open to answering all the questions my 2 older ones had. And I think my 10 yr old son knows more about menstruation than most men, but I had to give him some sort of explanation for my PMS. I never avoid any topics that they bring up, and I answer all their questions, without taking away their innocence. But as they get older I can see that day coming closer where that innocence will be lost.
5 - Lisa McKay
The problem with not telling kids what they need to know is that they will pick up all sorts of misinformation from friends, schoolmates, and so on. That really needs to be countered with facts - and parents really need to be the ones to provide them.
6 - sadi ranson-polizzotti
we have a sixteen year old boy and were and are very open with him so that he would never lie to us. He did get a girlfriend and we open mindedly gave her a chance (and we were fair), but as a woman, and i hate to say this , but my intuition told me this chick was bad news and i have thus far, sadly, been right. Not only did our son lose his virginity = - his decisision i know, but he lied about it by staying out all night and saying he was at a friend's house - easy to check and a lie he would never have told were it not for her input - he never had before.
Since then, he's lied several times, cut school and although he remains a truly outstanding student, he has cut everyone out of his life because of his girl. We're worried he'll determine where he'll go to college based on her, and he's Yale material and came in the 1st percentile of the PSAT while she lags and would keep him back. More, she's a "goth" which is naturally of some concern.
Nobody can make you do what you don't want to, but if you believe youlove that person and are only 16, no matter how smart you are, you'll do as they say an do as they do. I"m just waiting to find out he's been doing drugs or drinking. It's really scary how much influcence one person can have.
Sorry to blather but this article made me think.
Excellent ....
Cheers,
Sadi
7 - bowasiera
My daughter had sex and got pegnant at age 9 I was scared, she shouldn't of did that behind my back, she is thirteen , and I clean her room and find boys clothes, scents, and her underwear laying around!I talked to her but it don't work.One day I found her, havving sex with a boy, in the basement in front of a 2 year old. I do not know wher she learn this from, because we are from other country, this book was wonderful!It helped a lot!
8 - Father
Preteen sex was very common when I grew up, and is still very common, from what my girls tell me. They are 9 and 11, and have both had multiple sexual partners. Mostly, their partners are boys near their own age, but, my oldest daughter has admitted to having intercourse with the father of one of her friends.
9 - allison
these people are so young and do not need to be doing the things that they are doing. i hope they do get a disease, and i hope they get pregnant!! they should not be stupid enough to do this stuff!! it is unacceptable!!
from, poop
10 - wolf
My personal opionion on this matter is, children will do as they learn it. I am 22 now and I have had only 2 sexual partners. I was 18 the first time I had sex. Children usually learn sexual behavior from other children, and children deprived of sexual education will rebel or try to learn and understand from anyone willing to talk about it. The fact of the matter is all psychological, most children have a need to feel loved or accepted. Children want to be accepted by their peers so they will go with the trend that having sex will increase your status but not only that but its enjoyable through the physical stimulation. A lot of parents believe that if they put their children in a private school or "church" school they will not have to worry about this. The truth is they are more at risk due to the lack of proper education and it being a way they can express rebellion over opression. Children like every animal in the world will rebel against the oppressor in anyway that will have effect. Some children just like the feeling of being wanted, of being needed, of being loved by one of their peers. The fact is there is no "cure all" for this because its all case by case. Mostly this comes from, overly protective parently, lack of parenting, or just plan ol' atmosphere. I grew up with a sort of lack of parenting, in an abusive home, and I have my own mental scars from it. But I also learned a great deal about life and how people effect each other. BTW- these books don't do anything but make overly protective parents that much more overly protective which has the reverse effect on their children. Teach a child as much as you can and let them learn and decide, show them a path but don't drag them down it. Your child will do what he/she wants regardless of anything you say, its just a matter of figuring out how to teach them about coincequences to their actions.
11 - suzy
Having my mangina touched feels good