In the end, it boils down to this: Your life has always been, and will always be, a paradox. We all have flaws and blindspots. We are all capable of wickedness and brutality as well as extraordinary kindness and compassion. We have been influenced by the world in ways that we cannot possibly have a full appreciation of with multigenerational, cultural, historical, and biological influences acting upon us just to name a few.
Michael and I have this running joke in which I ask him in a fit of exasperation, "Guru or hockey puck?" His answer, before he wheels away leaving me to contemplate is "Yes." Sometimes that man is so wise it scares me and sometimes he is everything I would expect in a hockey player (read: a "typical guy and a good bit worse"). I have historically tended toward idealism, and I wanted him to be one or the other.
I wanted the pattern to be consistent. Get thee to the mountain top and stay there! Same thing with his health. I wanted to know, "Are you living or are you dying?" Again, the answer is "yes" and it has been for years.
In the end, what difference does it make? It only makes the difference I think it will make, and when I gave up the need to label it, a huge weight came off my shoulders. It only makes a difference when I feel the need to predict the future. It has only made a difference when I believed that if I could just study the map for a while that I would know what steps to take today. It's a way we deal with the fear of the unknown in our lives.
The future is always unknown. You never know what's around the next corner, and you'll never know all the reasons you are where you are today.
The path is made by walking.
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