A friend of mine once read an immensely popular book that claims to disclose secrets about men that every woman should know. As I listened to my friend divulge the book's "secrets," I could not help feeling that there isn't anything secret about its "secrets" and that it is little more than commonplace drivel about appeasing emotionally disturbed, controlling, and abusive males who just are not recognized as such.
I later perused the book and reached the same conclusion as a reviewer who stated succinctly, "If that does describe your relationships, much better advice to you is: Stop hanging out with losers!"
Excellent advice, I thought, because a real man is not a little boy trapped in a grown man's body looking for a mother figure. Neither is his highest aspiration to be a "benevolent dictator" or King Kong of his so-called castle. He does not need his ego stroked by subservient women or his alleged manhood validated by engaging in violence.
Indeed, as Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., wrote, "The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy."
Alas, ours is a society in which a man is usually measured by his looks, job, status symbols, gift giving, sex appeal, or tough-guy exterior. As noted in that venerated anthology called the Bible, people are all too inclined to look on the outward appearance when trying to decide what manner of man someone is.
Consequently, it is nearly always the case that little more is expected of a man than that he has good looks, a good wardrobe, a good job, some or all of the most fashionable material goods, and that he is a good provider, a good sex partner, a good fighter, or just able to show a woman a good time.
It is long after a man has been judged on the basis of such 'cryteria' that serious consideration — usually, too little too late — is given to whether his inner person is as good as his public image.
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Article comments
1 - Bryan McKay
An excellent article, and I fully agree with your sentiments. I do, however, find it troublesome that we must continue defining ourselves as a good "man" or a good "woman." What does that mean aside from simply being a good person? I believe that the latter is the most important.
What you have described here is a model for extraordinary personhood, and such a thing is gender neutral. A wise sentiment nonetheless.
2 - iamrj
Brian McKay, you recognized something in "The Measure of a Man" that's more explicit in some of my other writings ("Degendering Daddy," for example). Though I originally composed and presented this essay to a "men's group," I wholeheartedly agree that the sooner we get beyond gender, the better. So, yes, my essay "The Measure of a Man" applies to people regardless of their sexual orientation. Hence the final sentence in this essay: He becomes a real "man" because, finally, he is more than just a "man."
3 - iamrj
Bryan, please forgive me for misspelling your name.