"Your world is in lousy shape," God said to me last night.
I looked around hoping there was someone else he might be addressing. You can't be too careful with the Lord. And you really don't want to talk to Him when He's in a lousy mood.
"You talkin' to me?" I asked.
"Who else, putz," He said, "and you do a lousy DeNiro."
"Since when is it my world?" I countered. "I didn't create it. Last time I looked, You did."
"Nobody likes a wise guy," He said. "My point is that everywhere I look, I get depressed."
Who knew the Lord could get depressed? That's kind of sad.
"Look at what they're doing to those cute little bushmen in the Kalahari Desert," He said. "I put them there for a reason. And remember that movie, "The Gods Must Be Crazy?" I laughed so hard, I almost choked. And now those Botswana goons are going into their villages, knocking over their water barrels to force them out into unlivable spaces. It's a crime, I tell you."
"Well, couldn't You see it coming and do something?" I asked.
"Oy, 'see it coming.' I hate that phrase," God said. "I used to be omniscient until that wise-ass Einstein and his relativity theory, Bohr and his quantum flux, and Heisenberg and his I don’t know anything principle."
"Uncertainty Principle?" I suggested.
"Whatever. I used to know things for sure. Now I have to say, 'there's a 99.44% probability that killing is bad. How do you think that makes Me look?"
"Not good," I admitted.
"And that stupid war in Iraq," He went on. "12,000 Iraqis have been killed already, and for what? Those schmucks are even rewriting history about why you went to war there in the first place."
"I wish you wouldn't keep blaming all this on me," I said.
Article comments
1 - Brooke Lee
This is why I stopped talking to God; Death is more easy going. Sure he kills people, but just like they said in that annoying Italian movie, "It's nothin personal, just business."
2 - Mark Schannon
Now, now, Brooke, you gotta cut the Lord some slack (for your own safety as well as a sense of fairness.)
Death has it easy. One job. "Hi, I'm death, you're dead." Big deal. Even _________ (fill in blank of least-loved politician) couldn't screw that up.
But the Lord! Phew. That's a big job given what a mess we've made of this planet.
3 - Duane
Hey, this dialog was in the deleted scenes track of the Oh, God DVD.
4 - Brooke Lee
But if he made us in his own image; didn't he realize we were gonna bugger up sooner or later?
5 - Mark Schannon
Duane, thanks for ratting me out. I'm telling Him on you.
Brooke, yes well, it was kind of in his own image, but it was the 6th day, he'd been working really hard. The worst thing was that he'd just quit smoking two days before and was cranky as, well, he was cranky. As a result, we didn't exactly come out like he intended.
Let's face it, would a God who was running on all 246 cylinders have created a species where the males could go bald? Pshaw. You're way too hard on Him.