Before you roll your eyes, it really was a sensation I had never felt before and I have not since. There was no "light at the end of a long tunnel," no voices calling for me in the distance, no angels, none of the things I have heard from near-death survivors. No artistic beams of light whisking my vaporous soul away as in the movie Ghost or dozens more. This feeling was something entirely different. It was an overwhelming sense of calm, of peace, of solace. It was a deep inner sense of tranquility.
I noticed later, in the cardiac care unit, that I had some very painful circular burns on my chest. When I asked the nurse what they were, she nervously informed me that my heart had "stopped" (specifically, I went into asystole) during the procedure and I had to be "defibrillated" 6 times to resume an effective heart rhythm. The burns, I was informed, were from the haste of the cardiologist to apply the paddles to my chest with inadequate conductant gel and the increasingly higher voltages used in the attempt to get my heart back into a functional pulse. When I discussed the episodes with my cardiologist, a good friend who I had actually trained during his Internal Medicine residency, he told me he "was scared to death" he was about to lose his former Chief Resident and friend. [More truthfully, it was probably that he would have to explain the death of a Staff Doctor to his superiors] His exact words were that I was "dead for about 60 seconds."
Since that little heart stopper, when I was the ripe old age of 42, I have lost all fear of death. Death, in my mind, body and in the innermost depths of my soul, is nothing to be feared. It, I am convinced, will be an almost orgasmic peace. Perhaps not in the circumstances in which one dies - car wreck, gunshot, heart attack - but, when the heart pumps its last, I am convinced we will all have this peace. When those last few red blood cells deliver their last molecules of oxygen to the last living brain cells and we have an "irreversible end of consciousness," we will experience a final, ultimate, overwhelming sense of placidity.
With apologies for the diversion, I return now to the point of all this rambling: whatever lies ahead, it's all OK. Through all the aches and pain of waking up each morning, all the alopecia, all the wrinkles and blemishes, the daily loss of neurons, it's all going to be just fine. And when people question my judgment, drivers cut me off on the freeway, the power goes off in a storm, or I forget to record my favorite TV show, I will try to remember that lesson. I wish, as we all do, that I could go back and visit myself when I was 18 and scared to death of starting college, or when I was 24 and marrying for all the wrong reasons, or when I was 39 and leaving the Army for the alien and increasingly competitive world of private practice, or even just 3 years ago when my son died. I would smile, knowingly, and whisper "you will get through this, too."
Article comments
1 - Shark
Nice piece, doc.
(Growing old still sucks, but consider the options, eh.)
======
Coupla points apropos nada:
re. "...I remember the daily annoyances that used to drive me absolutely berserk."
I think it's a combination of two inherent impulses of the young:
1) wild, preposterous ideals;
2) a young person harbors the illusion that s/he can 'change' the world;
===
For me, one of the main benefits of my -- hurumph -- advanced age is that I don't feel the need to 'compete' with anyone on any level; physical, career/status, monetary, etc.
(ie. been there -- done that; what seems incredibly important and exciting to a twenty-five year old seems meaningless and boring to a fifty-something.)
And there's a certain amount of psychological freedom that is impossible to describe to someone in the throes of a testosterone surge.
It's the first time in your life that you can honestly say: I DON'T GIVE A SHIT WHAT YOU THINK. It's a beautiful feeling that one has to earn through pure duration, introspection, and experience.
PS: That's why many old people are considered *abrupt, *cantankerous, *grumpy, and *overly opinionated.
* Shark
2 - dietdoc
Shark writes: That's why many old people are considered *abrupt, *cantankerous, *grumpy, and *overly opinionated.
Reply: I suppose so but those who fall into those categories are, IMHO, still "on the rage" (there is an "e" after "rag"). I just don't participate in those sort of conversations. I guess it would be best described as being "aloof." I know what I know and I believe what I believe and the chances of changing anyone's mind through discourse is either (a) not worth the effort, or (b) inherently impossible.
You are right, Shark, it is a very nice place to be.
Cheers,
Ron
3 - swingingpuss
Thanks for sharing such a beautiful post doc, to find serenity in death is as important as living a life without regret.
4 - dietdoc
Swingingpuss writes:Thanks for sharing such a beautiful post doc, to find serenity in death is as important as living a life without regret.
Reply: Thank you for the reply. I don't look forward to death but I really think it's time, at any age, to cease and desist any worry about that which is inevitable. It is something I have thought a great deal about lately and I have examined my feelings about it along the way. We claw and fight it for all our years on earth, from, primarily, fear, and we really should just live. Relish and taste every breath, love and be loved, and when it comes, it comes. Mortality is the one thing shared by us all and it is still yoo much of a taboo to discuss, even with our closest friends. It shouldn't be.
Whatever one's beliefs are about the end and afterlife, if there is one, are not to be feared or ignored. I am just having too much darned fun where I am now. I wish folks would become able to discuss it; I think we would have better depths of relationships if it were out there for us all to examine. It's not morbid, it's just a part of the process.
Thanks again for your comments.
Cheers,
Ron
5 - Cerulean
I don't want to rain on your parade. That was graciously written. I find that aging sucks. I just hate it.
6 - dietdoc
Cerulean writes: I don't want to rain on your parade. That was graciously written. I find that aging sucks. I just hate it.
Reply: Cerulean, no rain here, no umbrella needed. I would, however, like to hear you be more specific. "Aging Sucks" is a bumper sticker. What about it bothers you most? I am really, sincerely curious. I have seen a lot of your posts on BC and I am intrigued. What's up?
Cheers,
Ron
7 - Nancy
I wish I had achieved that level of serenity, but I find as I get older, I get MORE idealistic, more save-the-world, more enraged by injustice, etc. In a sense, I seem to be turning into a sort of W. Gladstone. What has developed is a lack of crisis every time my hair has a bad day, or an outfit isn't perfect, or I make a mistake on something. Unlike when I was a teen, every molehill is no longer a mountain. But I sure hate the bodily side of ageing: the aches, slowness, increasingly bad eyesight, et al., and the thought of death bothers and scares me silly, which is really stupid, because what am I going to do about it? Oddly, when I was 22 I did have a near-death, and I was serene for several years afterwards, secure in the knowledge that nothing really matters in this world, in the end. Somehow that wore off after awhile; even though I remember the thought, the feeling is gone. Hopefully, this will change, if I don't morph entirely into Will G.
8 - dietdoc
Nancy writes: But I sure hate the bodily side of ageing: the aches, slowness, increasingly bad eyesight, et al.
Reply: Yeah, the physical decline is definitely noticeable, but I like to think the deliberate, slow gait I display is one of grace, not decreptancy. It doesn't really seem to be a limitation as, at the same time, I find very little reason to hurry for anything any more. (grin) As for the need for bifocals, that is a bt of a drag and those damned little floaters I see when I change the position of my eyeballs - such as looking up quickly - is occassionally disconcerting as I feel like I need to swat at a gnat or something.
But, Nancy, as I wrote earlier, it's all OK. I am perfectly willing to swap the energy and agility of my youth for what I have gained in wisdom and perception of the world around me. Small tradeoffs, big dividends. Just watching everyone else going bonkers around me is entertainment enough.
Cheers,
Ron
9 - Eric Olsen
very very beautiful thinking and writing Ron - thanks so much and I am extremely sorry about your son. I still rage against the dying of the light and much else, but I too feel a much greater sense of calm and happiness than at points earlier.
10 - dietdoc
Eric writes: "...I am extremely sorry about your son."
Reply: Eric, thank you so much. I miss Danny a lot but, every time I start to feel sorry for myself, I think of his brother, my son Ronnie. They were twins, identical twins. I know Ronnie's sense of loss dwarfs mine by comparison.
Eric, you keep raging, young man. We need you and others like you who have that passion and that energy - to provide support for BC as you do and for all the other causes in your life. I enjoy this place so much for tolerating my BS and my occassional rants. It's a welcomed outlet for the occassional feedback that my writing gets and, even more, just to be able to "put it out there," in the public.
I appreciate all that you, Temple and the others provide here.
Cheers,
Ron
11 - Eric Olsen
thanks Ron
12 - Temple Stark
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13 - dietdoc
Thank you, bhw. With all the wonderful writing on BC, I surely consider this an honor.
Cheers,
Ron
14 - Ed Strnad
Hi Doc...
I wrote "Getting Old Sucks." Thanks for the plug.
-Ed Strnad
15 - Grozdan Popov
This (comment) is so outdated that I feel as if visiting a cemetery of buried reflections on eternal topics. Suppose BC lasts forever, eventually beyond the age of Internet, visitors, human or alien, might like to communicate with you all who took part in this congregational, well, emoticon. We shall all have been physically gone but this, these words will remain as I sort of after life. The word, the recorded word is afterlife. The old chum from Stratford-upon-Avon sonnetized this commenting the fleeting beauty of a princeling or whatever. People so gifted as you above me need record their past tempestuous minutes for the sake of those who come if for nothing else then for the curiosity risen by this elegant pile of poetry, this digital epitaph on serene weathering into fragile and often humanely degrading old age.
Congratulations to all of you who so impressively heart-stormed this great line of thought initiated by Ron.
Gogan
16 - dragon lady
Aging sucks in everyway: loss of strength, looks, motivation, health - everthing! A very cruel system!
17 - Christopher Rose
Actually, it won't be all that long until being old and decrepit won't be inevitable; I just hope I live to see and do it!