I come from a very small town with very narrow-minded opinions of what a young woman at age 18 is to do with her life. At my high school graduation, I was one of a dozen girls who did not have a child or at least one on the way. That number’s shrunk even further in the last two years, and most of my friends are now married, have a kid (or two, or three), and it baffles many in my small town as to just why I haven’t settled down.
Let me make it perfectly clear: I am 20 years old. JUST turned 20. I have never had an engagement ring on my finger, and my uterus has been human-being-free. And according to most in my hometown, I’m WAY behind schedule.
Whenever I stop into the Five and Dime at home, or stop for gas, I get the usual question: “So, whenerrya getting’ married?”
Without fail. Every time.
It absolutely baffles the majority of my town why I, the prom queen and star athlete in high school and daughter of a prominent businessman (read: "prime breeder"), have not settled down. For a while, most rationalized it with the concept that I’m one of those darn lesbians (a notion that was later dissolved with the rationale, “She’s too pretty to be a lesbian”). After returning home two years later, however, with my long-term college boyfriend in tow, rumors began flying again.
When Matt pearled me for Christmas (a sorority ritual similar to a “promise ring” when a sorority sister is given a piece of pearl jewelry by said whipped boyfriend) rumors began swirling again. The pearl ring that adorned the all-telling finger sent rumors flying across town. (And in a town of 3,000, rumors travel fast.)
Maybe it’s because I’ve been out of the bubble for two years, and as a result have been able to grasp reality, but I see absolutely no reason to settle down at this point in my life. My career aspirations are slightly above working in a factory, the gas station, or being a stay-at-home mom. It seems absolutely absurd to me that because I am out of high school and because I am physically able to breed, I must marry and start popping out children in Pez-dispenser fashion.
Article comments
1 - Dave Nalle
Get out. Get out now. Move to Manhattan where if you're white and married with kids before 30 you're some sort of bottom-feeding freak.
>> I think that pesky judicial ban states that Suss and I aren’t allowed to procreate anyway. <<
What, is he your brother?
Dave
2 - Cerulean
Is this real? It sounds like the nineteen fifties. Why aren't you and "Suss" allowed to breed? Who's "Suss" ?
3 - dietdoc
Chelsea Lou: Forgive me, but you sound like a character in "Mona Lisa Smiles!" Is the world still really this Victorian? Whatever happened to "women's lib?"
Lordy, I am out of the loop! Congratulations on your choices and your future.
Cheers,
Ron
4 - Nancy
C.L., you're just a baby. I know, I know, you don't think you are, but you are. 20 years is not old at all. For once I agree 150% w/Dave: get the hell out of rural turkeytrot, Ohio, & get thee to a city where people are actually living in the late 20th century - and some even in the 21st. That small town you talk about sounds like some horror story from the Stepford Wives or The Handmaiden's Tale. Fortunately, from what I've read, you sound far too smart to get trapped just because everyone else does it back home.
5 - Natalie Bennett
I studied with many mature-age women students who married in their early 20s, had kids, then in their mid-30s to late 30s wondered what the hell happened to having a life.
Don't just think about getting your degree, but also considerable work experience: otherwise later you'll just have to start all over again from the beginning.
6 - Mark Sahm
CL: I echo the thread. I grew up in a small suburb in South Jersey, and coming to NY (oddly enough around 20) and working in Manhattan has been like Mr. Magoo putting on a pair of glasses. My entire HS had maybe a couple dozen Asian and Hispanic kids in, and I knew barely anything but TV stereotypes until I moved.
Call it "liberation via metropolization".
Sure, small towns are nice places to settle down when you're old, and cheaper to buy real estate, but life is short--- grab Suss by the ear and go sample more of the geography together.
7 - bhw
I don’t think I’m an old maid.
You would actually have to be OLD to qualify.
I have a friend who had her first child at 17. She had another one by the time she was 21. That was long enough ago that the first kid is now out of high school and the second one is just about done. And my friend is 37 years old.
That doesn't sound so bad to me. She finished the hardest part of life: raising kids. The rest is hers to enjoy. I'm 39 and my oldest will be in first grade this September. I have a long road ahead.
So I don't necessarily think that settling down and having kids when you're young is bad, as long as you have long-range plans for doing something with yourself along the way and when the kids are grown.
The most important thing is that you don't sacrifice what you want to do so that you fit into someone else's idea of who you're supposed to be. But it sounds like you figured that out already.
8 - Lisa McKay
There are certainly pros and cons to having children at any age - it's definitely not a one-size-fits-all deal. One of the advantages to having your kids later in life is that it quite literally forces you to remain engaged in things you might not otherwise have remained engaged in, and on an entirely different level - in other words, it keeps you young past the point that some of your peers have settled into old-farthood. Not a bad thing, really.
9 - Nancy
On the other hand, young kids require someone w/lots & LOTS of energy! I watch the neighbors' grandkids & wonder how their parents manage; they wear me out just watching them.
10 - Lisa McKay
Good point, Nancy. I was almost 34 when my son was born, and energy wasn't a problem then, but I probably wouldn't have wanted to do it much later than that. On the other hand, there are plenty of grandparents around who are either raising or helping to raise their grandchildren, and they seem to manage it somehow. Like everything else in life, you find a way to do the things you really want to (or need to) do.
11 - bhw
I was outside in the sun and water with my kids and their friends most of the day yesterday, and all I can say is that they kicked my 39-year-old ass but good.
The younger parents recover from long days like that a lot more quickly, I think.
12 - Lisa McKay
This is very true, bhw. On the other hand, I can say that at 53, I'm a lot more conversant with pop culture than I probably would've been without a 19-year-old in the family. The recovery time for *everything* is a lot longer these days, though.
13 - bhw
Good point about pop culture, Lisa. I'm just not sure I'll respond well if my daughter goes through a boy band stage, though. ;-)