In March's Atlantic, Lori Gottlieb writes, "Every woman I know - no matter how successful and ambitious, how financially and emotionally secure - feels panic, occasionally coupled with desperation, if she hits thirty and finds herself unmarried. If you say that you're not worried, either you're in denial or you're lying."
I like Lori Gottlieb. She's hot and she writes well and I like what she has to say most of the time, but telling women to settle? No, no, no! This is like telling women to give up their life dreams for a mundane, ordinary life of so-so sex and suburban painkillers. It's like saying it's not worth it. It's asking for a failed marriage and prescription meds.
There's no such thing as Mr. Perfect or Mr. Right. Lord knows how much I looked for him last summer. What I did find was Mr. Right Now and Mr. Perfect for the Moment. It wasn't about love or lust or romance, true. It was about sex and desire. In my little summer of romantic endeavors and one-night stands, I did end up finding Mr. Perfect for Me. He's far from perfect. He makes mistakes and we make mistakes together. He's not a college graduate. His hair is wild and curly and messy. His hands are always dirty from work and sometimes he can be a prick, but he's everything I could ask for.
I could never tell a woman to forget going after her Mr. Perfect and just go for the next Joe she meets at the bar who, maybe, she has a few little sparks with, if any, but not fireworks. Maybe it's more along the lines of a campfire or a firecracker.
I'm a picky person when it comes to just about everything. I could never date a man who wears pastels or who actually has a stylist and visits them regularly. Sure, maybe it's okay to look for marriage material in a different light, but should you really lower your standards simply because it's better than being single at the age of thirty?
"Overlook his halitosis or abysmal sense of aesthetics," Lori writes. Marry the guy with bad breath and who is a recovering junkie on the brink of relapse. It's okay! It's better than being alone! Is it really? Ask most twenty-something women and the replies you'll get most is that we'd rather be alone than in a mediocre relationship with a man we only feel mildly 'eh' about.
Article comments
1 - alexandria jackson
Not I!
2 - Elvira Black
Jen, you go, girl! Here's what I think, after some horrific dates, brief encounters, and a wild fling after two very long term relationships:
Though it may indeed be better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, I've finally learned (hopefully) to not wonder what's wrong with me, but realize that there's something wrong with the losers in the world, and they are legion.
I've examined my inner motives, and realized I was a "fixer," a reformer, and picked the most hopeless "projects" I could find for the sake of security. Sexual roles seem to have reversed themselves, and there are many passive agressive "men" out there who are spoiled rotten and have an unearned sense of entitlement.
After a twenty year relationship and another 9 yeare one, I realized I'd created a monster--a totally dependent, "mothered" guy who fell apart after I left because he had no coping skills.
Then the horrible guilt ensued...
Anyway, great piece. Best of luck....
3 - Everybody Does Raymond
Great point Jen. Being in a relationship just to be in one is a recipe for disaster. So much for the musical chairs approach to settling down.