The Carnival of the Vanities Number Nine, Number Nine

We all have our skills, something that we can do better than anyone else, if only because we do things that no one else has ever even thought of attempting. For instance, let's take my skill, the one that I am better at than anyone else in the world.

You'll need to be standing, with a clear space of perhaps three feet in front of you. You'll also need to be wearing nothing but gym shorts. Now, in one smooth motion, shuck the shorts down to your ankles. Step out of the cloth puddle with your left foot, then flip the shorts up in the air with your right. Get some air under them. A height of about 8 feet is good. Now quickly, before they fall, run underneath the rotating shorts and catch them on your head so that they then resemble a Rastafarian hat, or perhaps a nun's wimple. Use of the hands is not allowed. Cross your arms and say "Jah, mon!" or "Yes, Mother Superior." as the spirit moves you. If at all possible, do this in front of your wife and two year old daughter.

That's my skill, the Naked Apostate Rotating Pant Head Catch, and I've performed it most every morning for 20 years. The secret is in getting the gym shorts to rotate so that the waist opens up on the descent, thus providing ample space for the all important cranial insertion, the angle of which determines the final position of the shorts on the contestant's head. Actually landing a full wimple or rastafari is an incredibly rare event. I've only managed it three or four times that I can recall. But when it happens, it's a thing of beauty, and a joy forever. It's the attempt that matters, and the attempt is truly a unforgettable sight to behold, or so I've been informed.

"Burned into my brain like a branding iron on a pig's ass." I was told.

Certainly my daughter's face lights up when she arises early enough to catch the show, though the wife seems to have lost something of her appreciation for a skilled landing of the night's sleepwear over the years. I've heard tell that Ted Williams made baseball look boring because he was so good at it, so maybe it's something like that. I'll switch to to a goofy foot flip, add a little more excitement to her morning.

Or I could retire at the top of my game. I had a pretty good landing today, kind of a leaning half rastafari after a triple rotation, with less than a foot of horizontal movement after the flip. It's a good one to retire on. I'm thinking it might be time, because as I was sitting on her bed this morning, Ngnat kicked off her pull-ups. Her height was bad, and there was a lot of horizontal movement, but she got a full rotation out of them, and she's not even three!

Article Author: Bigwig

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