In the summer of 2005, I took a job at a day camp in New York. Before the campers arrived, all of the employees were gathered to go over “important” information with the camp's directors. The following directions are from the original document and have not been molested in any way; my pithy comments that follow have probably been molested though...
- Responsibilities: You must be able to account for EVERY camper throughout the day.
Umm... there are over 400 kids running around the camp, so do you want me to spend all day following each of them around? Or just the group I was assigned to? What if one kid trips and hurts himself? Do we all stop and wait for that kid to get up and have someone yell "He's okay!" before going back to our duties? What if I violently assault one of the campers that is not in my group? Am I responsible for them too?
- Staff Appearance: You are expected to look neat and tidy at all times. Clothes must be clean, and must not contain any inappropriate words or illustrations that can be perceived as offensive to the campers. The decision on what is appropriate is reserved to the Director.
What they meant to say: “The children are scared of you. Stop scratching your ass and get a bar of Irish Spring, you smelly schmuck. Showers are not optional. And while you're at it, borrow someone else's clothes. We expect you to act and dress like a Yuppie prick, so your hole-filled Metallica shirt is not acceptable. If your clothes are not up to the Director's modest standards of Prada and Abercrombie & Fitch clothing, he will throw a hissy fit and fire you. If this rule means stopping your cocaine habit so you can afford new clothes, awesome.
- Document conflicts between campers.
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