In the summer of 2005, I took a job at a day camp in New York. Before the campers arrived, all of the employees were gathered to go over “important” information with the camp's directors. The following directions are from the original document and have not been molested in any way; my pithy comments that follow have probably been molested though...
- Responsibilities: You must be able to account for EVERY camper throughout the day.
Umm... there are over 400 kids running around the camp, so do you want me to spend all day following each of them around? Or just the group I was assigned to? What if one kid trips and hurts himself? Do we all stop and wait for that kid to get up and have someone yell "He's okay!" before going back to our duties? What if I violently assault one of the campers that is not in my group? Am I responsible for them too?
- Staff Appearance: You are expected to look neat and tidy at all times. Clothes must be clean, and must not contain any inappropriate words or illustrations that can be perceived as offensive to the campers. The decision on what is appropriate is reserved to the Director.
What they meant to say: “The children are scared of you. Stop scratching your ass and get a bar of Irish Spring, you smelly schmuck. Showers are not optional. And while you're at it, borrow someone else's clothes. We expect you to act and dress like a Yuppie prick, so your hole-filled Metallica shirt is not acceptable. If your clothes are not up to the Director's modest standards of Prada and Abercrombie & Fitch clothing, he will throw a hissy fit and fire you. If this rule means stopping your cocaine habit so you can afford new clothes, awesome.
- Document conflicts between campers.
Camper's Log Stardate 926645.02: Brad and Larry… continue... to pummel Justin with pottery... during arts and crafts... I… keep trying...to encourage them to use something... heavier....
- Under no circumstances are you allowed to administer physical or emotional punishment.
So keep smiling when that rotten rich kid tells you how great he is because when the time comes, "accidents" happen.
- Try to avoid threatening campers.
That doesn't mean you shouldn't keep them on their toes.
- Try to avoid backing a person into a corner where they have no options causing "MANHOOD" to be questioned, thereby eliciting negative responses.
I swear it actually says that. Beware, god-fearing public — “MANHOOD” can be threatened.
- At no time may any staff member date or go out with campers. Do not tell jokes or stories of a sexual nature or make requests for sexual favors.
Well, then I guess I have nothing to talk about with the campers then.
- You must have a bathing suit and be prepared to come into the water if necessary.
Do I LOOK like a lifeguard? You have two guards standing around stroking themselves. Why don't you tell them to do their job instead of making me do it? Besides — I can't swim, what with the night terrors and all...
- Report any unsafe conditions or damaged equipment to the Swim Director.
But please bring the cocaine to the drop-off point; we have a delivery to make.
- Safety is key
How about we throw some danger in there, just to mess with everyone. You better believe you would have more kids come to this camp if you told them they would be placed in mortal danger on a daily basis."Our Camp's theme: Danger!”
- Under No Circumstances are you to sell Alcohol, Drugs, or Tobacco to the Campers.
Sorry kids.
- Judgment and Common Sense are an important part of this job.
And yet you hired me.
- If you are a Male, the Girls Locker Room is OFF LIMITS. And Vice Versa.
Unless you're Chris Hanson from Dateline.
- Borrowing items from campers or lending items to campers is not acceptable.
Who said anything about borrowing? That PSP belongs to me.
- We discourage free thought and open expression of ideas.
Wow — they just kind of came and threw it down didn't they? “Okay counselors, get into the pods...”
- Only staff trained according to written procedures in the appropriate use of gas, liquid flammables, poisonous materials, and power tools may use them.
That means I'll have to go the whole day with out farting, being as how that's gas, and sometimes potentially poisonous.
- Be aware of doors into and out of buildings and how to use them.
Nobody but the best and brightest works at our exclusively outdoor camp.
- Don't panic in case of emergency. Keep a cool head and call for help.
Screw that! I'll use one of the kids as a battering ram or a human shield if I need to.
- Summer time brings violent stormy weather. Younger Campers may cry or get very nervous.
It's just charged electrons gently caressing the earth's surface, what's the worst that can happen if we're outside playing a game of "find the sheet metal"?
- Try to get all the facts about the problem before making any kind of judgment.
Forget that. You should throw down some beatings and get answers the fast way. The camp's philosophy? Be a dweeb and ask questions. The counselor's philosophy? What would The HULK do?
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