Have you ever seen a 6-foot-tall piece of fruit running straight at you? Probably not, so let's visualize it in your head. You're sitting at your desk, minding your own business, when all of a sudden a legged food item is charging in your direction. I hope you brought a spare set of pants from home, because you just soiled your original set.
You'd want swift punishment toward those bananas, wouldn't you? Damn straight.
That's exactly what Zion-Benton Township High School, near the Illinois-Wisconsin border on Lake Michigan, did this week, suspending 11 students — 10 for dressing up as giant yellow bananas, and one for donning a gorilla suit and chasing them.
The kids chalked it up to a senior prank, but we know better. This was cold-blooded terrorism. I mean, just look at these kids:
Absolutely fucking terrifying, isn't it?
And hats off to ZBTHS officials for following the letter of the law and suspending them for seven days, potentially putting the damper on their senior prom and graduation ceremony. After all ... how dare those kids! That was some pretty scary mojo they crafted up. What if some of those kids were potassium intolerant? Does such a condition exist? Well, we better find out! Set up some counseling, just in case.
After all, pranks like egging lockers and throwing bricks at windows? Lockers and windows can be replaced. But a giant banana ... that can be pretty traumatizing. There's no amount of money that can fix repressed memories.
Sure, the suspension is longer than the five days they recently laid down on some other kids for fighting. But fighting is so commonplace. Plus, each kid involved in the fight knew what they were getting into. The kids in study hall and English class ... they had no idea that a giant banana was going to come screeching into their protective bubble.
And I know what you're thinking. Why not a longer suspension? Well, bananas are somewhat healthy. Now, if they dressed up as giant candy bars, that would have been promoting sugary desserts in school, which according to the academic bylaws is the equivalent of treason. They'd have had to repeat their senior year of high school were that to happen.
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Article comments
1 - Joanne Huspek
Gee, only a suspension? Why weren't they shipped off to Guantanamo?
2 - Dr Dreadful
Suspending the pranksters is only the beginning. The school should now spare no expense or effort in equipping its entire student body to be able to defend themselves against this sort of fruity terror.
Including self-defense classes like this one.
3 - Matthew T. Sussman
But will the self-defense be effective against legumes?
4 - Clavos
But will the self-defense be effective against legumes?
The French were in on it too???
5 - Ruvy
They didn't look like bananas at all! They looked like yeller Klansmen being attacked by a gorilla (code for African American). They were engaging in racial incitement and ought to have been caned bloody by the chairman of the schoolboard!!!
6 - kw
ha that was hilarious.. anyone who honestly thinks they should get a punishment can seriously fuck off
7 - mine
i have to say this was actually at my school, and they couldn't walk at graduation too