5. His Litigious Habits. I totally understand suing the guts out of someone to protect your children from actual harm. How is someone calling you a Nancy Boy going to hurt your children? Who are adopted, by the way, aren't they Nan… I mean Tom? Adopting is good. Many, many kids out there need good homes and adoption is a nice alternative to abortion, even though I would like to state for the record that I'm completely pro-choice. I'm just wondering why you didn't choose to father your own children? Anyway, back to your homosexuality…oh, did I just write that? Silly me, wouldn't want to get sued…you suing a penniless writer would hardly be good for your "heterosexual action star" image, now would it? No? Thought not.
6. He's Not an Action Star. A friend once asked me, "How is it that he came to be considered an action star when he is approximately the size and shape of a Smurf?" That is a fine question. In fact, I believe there is an entire contingent of scientists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology working on that very thing.
7. Risky Business. Hated it. Even when I was 16 I hated this movie. The BVDs, the Ray Bans, Rebecca DeMornay (who unfailingly reminds me of a bull terrier), the train scene, the music, the "sometimes you just gotta say, 'what the fuck.' " Hated it all. A worthy edition to the ever expanding library of Films Your Kids Must See if You Want Them to Grow Up to be Assholes.
8. His Foolish Hair. I realize there's only about three things a guy can do with his hair (unless he's GAY), but I do think it's about time Mr. Cruise gave the Ken doll back his hair.
9. Eyes Wide Shut. The fuck? Never in my entire existence have I seen an alleged actor bring less emotion to a project. Mr. Potato Head would have turned in a better performance than this…and had significantly more chemistry with Nicole Kidman.
10. He's Not Sexy. He's not. And it's more attitude than appearance. Nan…I mean Tom seems supremely certain of his place in the universe, no doubt because he's paid the Church of Scientology many, many dollars to divine it from the swirl of the hairs on his ass. Well Tom, you ain't all that. You've driven your wife to miscarriage, you make tedious movies (even with John Woo directing) and you've got teeth like big Chicklets.
So there.
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - Jen Raj
I thought he was playing himself in Magnolia with his whole "Respect the Cock" short-man schtick.. I'm with ya!
2 - Anne
Yes, "Magnolia" was a film in which he was appropriately cast! Never understood what all the fuss was over him--either he's acting up a storm or mugging so much you want to slap him. As for his appearance, one particular phrase comes to mind: high school date rapist. That's the instant thought association for me.
3 - The Theory
Well, it seems like the haterd from Tom Cruise runs deep. It's time to forgive and forget, people.
Arguably, no one made you see movies he's in. And there are definately a lot worse actors... and people in general. for example Hitler.
peace.
4 - Sekimori
sat·ire (n.)
1. A literary work in which human vice or folly is attacked through irony, derision, or wit.
2. Irony, sarcasm, or caustic wit used to attack or expose folly, vice, or stupidity.
Have a nice day.
5 - Fran
You didn't mention his TEETH! How about that one giant bucky-beaver tooth that sits right in the center of his uppers, where the "seam" between the two front teeth should be? He appears so often in extreme close-up in his movies, and has such an obnoxious grin, that you should have ample opportunities to observe the freak tooth. I thought he'd had braces...?
6 - Sekimori
Did so...in #10: "...you've got teeth like big Chicklets." What else is there to say? :)
7 - Paul
How did a post about Tom Cruise turn into a Reductio ad Hitlerum so fast? One for the books.
8 - Anne
Yes...either someone's a huge fan or takes himself and the world WAY too seriously.
9 - The Theory
...i wasn't being serious... lighten up.
peace.
10 - andy
Yeah, but Tom supports the war, so there is that.
Link from Pundit Ex Machina.
11 - Sekimori
Whew! We can all stop talking about it now...we've received the ultimate validation! Thank you, Tom, thank you!
[/sarcasm off]
12 - Eric Olsen
I like Tom the actor okay, sometimes, but he seems as slimy as you might fear in the flesh. Great piece - did you see that Datalounge picked it up?
13 - boy
Wow, was she unlikeable. I bet the reason short men get hostile is the same reason tall men and other women are hostile to her: she's a Bitch Supreme.
Is she "fiercely intelligent" along with being an "alpha personality"? What a dork she sounds like.
As for the reasons, stupid, not funny. If she thinks that's wit, well, I know why she's writing for free and not being paid. She sucks at it.
Tell her to read some Dave Barry or David Sedaris before she attempts her next list. Or the guy who wrote "Alec Baldwin Doesn't Love Me"--he likes lists, but his are actually funny.
14 - Henry
This was more nasty than funny. This woman sounds like a snotty bitch, and I'm no fan of Cruise. Her "alpha-woman" thing was ludicrous.
As for being the "size of a smurf," that never hurt people like Robert Redford and Paul Newman, neither of whom are tall. Redford is shorter than Cruise.
15 - Sekimori
Excuse me, the title of the piece was "Ten Things I HATE About Tom Cruise." Hello? Is this thing on?
16 - robyn
Godwin's law (an old carry-over from Usenet days) was invoked -- Seki wins in a TKO!
17 - Solonor
Note to 'boy': Don't make Seki angry. You won't like her when she's angry. I mean it. For the love of all that is holy, stop while you are behind. *crawling into the fallout shelter now*
18 - Jessica Parker
That made my day. The whole Nicole thing really shitted me, and pluease, anyone who has even a remote connection to Battlefield Earth needs a good ass-kicking.
19 - susanna
I have never gotten the Tom Cruise thing, ever. Not that all of his movies bite, but that's more in spite of than because of. Great piece.
20 - Dawn
What is about strong women freaking people out?
He is gay, not that this is anything wrong with that. Really.
Losers.
21 - brian
I know for a fact that Tom Cruise picks his nose and then eats it.
So there...
22 - Cobalt
Tom Cruise appears to be one of those people who are famous for being famous. Not because they have gobs of talent, and charisma - just because lots of people have heard of them. I blame the hollywood publicity machine for turning hacks like Cruise into celebrities, in the same way I blame sleazy record promoters for turning crap bands like Nsync, (and whoever they dig up next week to replace them) into "popular" music stars. The scientology influence in hollywood probably helps a lot too - money and influence can grease a lot of wheels, and open a lot of doors. With enough of both, you don't really need talent.
23 - tex
tom cruise will be enigma to some people,how he got there in the first place.
24 - tim
Despite his shortcomings (no pun intended) I think Tom Cruise's success is a monument to the human spirit's ability to get somewhere in life. Its proof a 5'6" far from perfect being with a big nose and crooked teeth can make it despite the Hollywood stereotype. It's the guts that he has that make him attractive. Maybe you are an ass but Great Job, Tom. You give hope for the rest of us ulgy, determined short folk.
25 - go tom
Tim's right, so what if the guy comes off a bit too intense. The fact is that Tom Cruise is a champion, not only to short men, but to all humans because he shows us that no matter where we are in life, or how many obsticals there are against us, we can still succeed if we try our best!