Memorial Day will mark one year since my mom died. I've been going fast- forward with keeping myself busy. As my readers already know, I had to put three special dogs to sleep when my mom came home with hospice. I never expected her to die three days later.
It's been a strange year for me. I'd be alone if it wasn't for the rest of the rescued animals still with me. I thought I was doing really well - until a commercial came on with a border collie. One of the dogs I had to put to sleep was a special-needs border collie, Reggie. He was with me for eight years. I fought for him in court when the man who abused him sued me to get him back. He was beautiful and very special to me. And I killed him. I started smoking again. That commercial started my slide into darkness.
I was being told it's time to put away my mom's belongings, that I was living with an illusion and that I had to have my home reflect the reality, that I am alone now. Mothers' Day spam and ads were flooding me. I was arguing with others. I was on medicine to help me calm my nerves, but wanted to add to it and the doctor agreed. I loved the feeling of calmness the medicine gave me but I could tell a depression was still setting in.
Looking back now time became a blur. What was no more than a few days feels now like a lifetime. How I found them I can't remember, but I came across some people who felt bad too; who accepted me and understood. Not a bad thing right? But they also told me how to kill myself to end the pain.
The lessons I was taught about not acting impulsively was what probably allowed me to stick around long enough to receive an email that jolted me back to reality. I did as I was taught. Don't leave any loose ends. So I wrote final instructions on what to do with my animals. I had everything I needed in my home and was taught how to make sure it was effective. I was writing the emails that would be sent out automatically after my death to friends when I got an email from a friend. It was in the midst of other ones supporting me and my decision to die.
Article comments
1 - Gordon Hauptfleisch
You say "I'm not sure if I reached anyone" in the group. If not the group--I think you'll reach others with this powerful account.
2 - Mat Brewster
That was very moving. I'm glad you're still here, I'm glad you wrote this.
Thank you.
3 - chantal stone
Such a moving story, Ruthie....I'm so glad JJ wrote you, and that you're feeling better again. You are in my prayers.
4 - Diane Ensey
Amazing and inspirational. Im glad you shared your story with us. I hope it gives others the strength to give life a second chance as well.
5 - Ruthie
Thanks so much for the comments and support. I just wish I could stop the others from dying. Too many lost already.
6 - shannon
I wish my problems were caused by medication sensitivity.
I'm still ready to go.
Thank you for writing this, though, and it's wonderful that you realized it wasn't your time.
7 - jane smith
there is nothing great about living
8 - jane smith
There is nothing to live for...
9 - Sallyanne (Saz)Hodgson
how do i join plz iv had loads of failed attemptes over th years and i could do wid joinin group who feels th same, iv bin depressed 4 years plz help me find suicide group
10 - Sallyanne (Saz)Hodgson
any 1 who feels like me wana do a joined pact ???
11 - Ruthie
Suicide Prevention Lifeline
There is a number to call for anyone who may be feeling suicidal... they will help you. Suicide is a permanent end to a temporary problem. It will get better!
12 - Ghghuy
"Those who enjoy the misery of others deserve to die."
God decides who "deserves to die.". Not you.
13 - Christopher Rose
Nobody deserves to die, and nobody gets to decide who deserves to die, not even fictitious deities.
I'd forgotten about this five year old article, Ruthie, and as an animal lover myself I hope you'll keep helping them for a long time to come.
14 - Ruthie
Thanks so much Christopher!
15 - El Bicho
Nobody might deserve it, but there are many people who get decide who deserves to die all time, whether sanctioned in courts, during wars, or crazed individuals.
16 - twamp
How do we find each other
17 - twamp
DON'T WANT TO GO ALONE, DON'T WANT TO TAKE NO ONE NOT WILLING TO GO,I WANT A LAST COMPANION FOR WE CAN ESCORT EACH OTHER..