BERKELEY, CA — Researchers at the University of California in Berkeley reignited the age-old "nature or nurture" debate today by announcing the results of a year-long study into Ben Affleck's facial expressions.
The researchers claim the study, which will be published in a peer-reviewed journal within the next six months, proves that both Affleck's facial expressions — "determined" and "confused" — are the result of genetics rather than rearing.
"Since [Affleck] first burst zit-like onto the scene with Good Will Hunting I've wondered what caused his astonishing lack of emotional range," said project lead Dr David Fisker. "Now, thanks to our hard work over the last year, I can rest easy. It's a good feeling."
Fisker explained that all available evidence indicates the 32-year-old actor has just two facial configurations, one expressing determination and the other expressing confusion.
"He can do a mix of both, too, and look determined yet confused or confused yet determined, but that doesn't really count," said Fisker.
After a frame-by-frame analysis of all of Affleck's movies to date the team presented their proposal to the Department of Health and Human Services, where it was determined sufficient evidence existed for the team to receive government funding.
With the financial backing in place the team began interviewing Affleck's friends and family to determine if his facial expressions off-screen were as staggeringly restricted as on.
Matt Damon, co-author with Affleck of Good Will Hunting and long-time "close acquaintance" of the emotionally limited actor, confirmed their hypothesis.
"It's true, yeah. He's like that all the time," said Damon. "It was great when we were writing [Good Will] Hunting though because if I needed, say, determined dialog I'd just give him a jar to open and I'd be inspired by his face."
The researchers then moved on to addressing their most important question: is Affleck's inability to adopt a facial arrangement other than determined or confused a result of his genes or his childhood?
"We really had no idea when we started," said Dr Peter Ferguson, the team's head anthropologist. "It could've gone either way. So naturally the first thing we did was visit with his parents in Cambridge [Massachusetts]."
The researchers soon discovered compelling evidence for the theory that Affleck's condition is genetic.
"It was obvious from the very moment we met [Affleck's parents]," said Ferguson. "We were startled to discover that Ben's father, Tim, only ever looks confused, and his mother, Chris, only ever looks determined."
Article comments
1 - RJ
My sling-shot has more range than Mr. Affleck. And my pencil-sharpener has more depth.
2 - lauren stokes
hey how are you im a real big fan of you an i love you so much your so HOT.WELL im gonna go love always lauren
3 - RJ
Well! Thank you! ;)
4 - max
poor ben I really feel sorry for him knowing that he suffers from monoris
5 - Bob A. Booey
Is it just me or is Jennifer Garner totally not hot at all now that she's with that soulless monster and bearing his anti-Christ child? She was slipping on her own already and was always way overrated, but she does nothing for me anymore.
That is all.
6 - ken
I love YOU!!!!
when I grow up I want to look just like you
7 - max
hey Bob A. Booney!!!!
Dont tou ever talk wrong about ben affleck and jen you little gay-ass
ben is awsome
8 - Bob A. Booey
YOu make me smile, Max :)
Write more often.
That is all.
9 - Eric Olsen
I like Ben and have all along other than the Benifer abomination. I think JG is filling out rather nicely as a preg - she's still hot, but married, pregnant women are sort of another category
10 - Dave Nalle
But what about the real tragedy of Casey Affleck and his complete lack of any facial expression at all?
Dave
11 - -E
Eh, he's never done much for me, but he's in some mildly entertaining flicks.
12 - Bob A. Booey
The only think I like about Ben is that he's a hardcore Red Sox fan and looks and talks like an average, regular guy, with all that implies abouth is looks and acting ability. He just seems too taken with the Hollywood lifestyle and seems really caught up in being a rich jerk. Matt Damon at least seems smarter (Harvard grad) and seems like a real movie star -- yet he also seems more in touch with how much of a fluke it is that he is a star and how lucky he got. Affleck is way out of touch, I think. I mean, how could he not be? Tons of money, parties, JLo...
That is all.
13 - DEBORAH
YOU ARE SO HOT I CAN'T STOP DREAMING ABOUT YOU BEN. I REALLY WOULD LIKE TO MEET YOU