Somewhere along the way I turned into a stereotype. I’m not exactly sure when this happened; I just know it did. Sadly, I have become the stereotypical, middle-aged, fat woman who can’t dance.
This epiphany came about a week ago. I blame the entire sordid mess on a trendy exercise thing sweeping my community called Zumba.
Go ahead and call me a Zumba hata, and don’t bother me with Zumba-ish success stories or testimonials on how many inches of belly fat just melted away because you cha-cha-cha-ed to the Zumba god. It’s all beginning to sound rather cultish to me.
My week started rather innocently enough. My exercise instructor, who I have known for several years and considered to be a friend, landed a Monday night Zumba teaching gig. I put on my cleanest exercise attire and drove the eight miles to attend her first class to support her.
About a half dozen other would-be Zumba neophytes showed up, but all that shaking, rattling, and rolling didn’t bode well for a middle-aged fat woman with back issues. No siree, Missy.
I can blame some of my failure on a slipped disc, but I can’t really explain why some of the Zumba-ites can make their behinds jiggle one way while their upper torsos glide in the opposite direction. I swear it’s as if they were channeling Shakira herself.
Nor can I explain why I travel to the right when everyone else jingle jangles to the left, or why my body heaves forward when everyone else hippity-hops backwards. Hails bails, it spins my head right ‘round. Forget about the Dove Self Esteem Fund for teen girls. How about a little Dove Love for non-dancing stereotypes like me?
What makes this entire realization even more painful is that I have actually taken dance lessons before - ballet, jazz and tap. In fact, I still have my tap shoes to prove it, and in a box stashed somewhere in my house is a VCR tape of a dance recital. I know it’s all rather hard to believe.
Article comments
1 - fiona
You took one class and abandoned it? I've always had 2 left feet (and I'm older than you!). Just go at your own pace, learn the moves - it took me three classes to even get close! Nobody is looking at you, nobody is competing, just get with the music. Try again - even just moving to music will help your fitness.
Try yoga classes in between - the stretching will feel good. Don't give up!
2 - carolyn banks
Fiona, you were supposed to LAUGH, not lecture!
3 - Fabi
..well, I guess, I missed the joke as well. =( I felt sad that your got turn-off after your 1st class. I grew up thinking I had two left feet. And was a "closet dancer". It took me several classes to not feel spastic! lol. ..and to accept that no one was watching me. I would recommend ZUMBA GOLD it's a great workout for beginners. Best of luck. *smiles~Fabi*
4 - lyna
Hello ladies (and gentlemen for that matter!!)
I am a Zumba instructor in the UK and can understand how you can feel this way!! IT'S NORMAL!! Like any work out, you need to get used to it, from the fastest to the slowest of all ( I would not inflict on you my story about my Yoga trial!! Let's just say that my body was saying:" NO you are not putting me in that position missy!!" LOL)
Zumba is the same, you need to get used to the music specially if you are not familiar with latin rythms, then the choreography (I am from a dancing background and still needed few sessions) . Your muscles need to get used to the moves. Who cares if you're getting it the first time or if you're looking cool??? NO ONE!! Contrary to gyms ... So you go the wrong way?? you might be lucky and find yourself smiling at the lovely lady or man next to you!! You need to go at your own rythm as long as you are pushing YOUR LIMITS, noone else's. Bottom line: just enjoy yourself and in no time you'll find yourself smiling and sweating like no tomorrow!! Oops forgot: zumba might have some side effects. It creates a larger circle of friends and is highly addictive. To be used without caution (unless you have a medical condition, like all other fitness activities)
5 - Carol Richtsmeier
I really appreciate all the comments… I guess the unsettling part about Zumba to those of us non-Zumba-ites is the lack of "instruction." Instructors just point as if you are suppose to know what to do. So, you guys keep cha-cha-cha-ing! And me? Well, give me a good kickboxing class. Who knew hitting things could be so much fun!