Well, I know I am not who I was a month ago, just as Alice knew she was not who she was when she woke up that morning. That between the Now and the Then there have been many changes. I have lost my faith. I, an officiant in the church, find myself, as Michael Stipe would say, in the spotlight, losing my religion. That’s me. Or perhaps it was taken away from me and I was duped. That’s highly possible. After all, you can’t always go around offering something that is close to your heart and sharing it unless you are dead sure that those you are sharing with are not going to turn around and fuck you later on. I hate to use the word “fuck” but I can’t think of a better word. As a friend said to me, “You were fucked and without the foreplay…” I realize I am being vague here, but the story is too long and I fear if I tried to explain it would not be understood.
What I do mean to say is be careful what you share of yourself – the places you consider sacred and that you consider holy, the places I called “thin” places – that are neither “here” nor “there” but simple places of meditation where one can just "be" without interruption from the rest of the world. Once you share those places, they are no longer yours and yours alone. They are, for lack of a better word, in the public domain. PD. Part of Project Gutenberg, pages there for anyone to read and you, my friend, you become the open book; where once perhaps you were a mystery and interesting, you become by contrast dull because you have given the key and allowed easy access.
I am not saying these things defined me, because they did not, and they would not again. Nor am I saying that people can steal who you are, but what they can do is make you question who you are and they can in and of themselves question you – ask of you, who are you? And different people can do this in different ways. You can have a friendly who are you? An angry who are you? The vehement, full of fury who the fuck are you? Who do you think you are? All of these things or one of them, but it all adds up the same – it’s a questioning of identity, and if you can’t answer this basic question - which I can’t right now - then I think perhaps Houston, we have a problem.
Article comments
1 - Steve
Hmm, interesting article, Sadi.
Whenever I've been disappointed by people, I always try to remind myself of two things -
Firstly, people are sinners, so at times, they will do evil things, stupid things, etc...
Secondly, I should always try to differentiate between people and God. As a Christian, my faith should be in God, not people, as people are fallible, only God is not.
So when someone betrays or disappoints me, I ask the question, have I maybe expected too much from this person?? Put my faith in them, rather than God?? Is God trying to get my priorities straight, perhaps??
I've had my difficulties with some people over the years, and yet, my faith in God stays fairly consistent. Perhaps it's because I'm convinced of the intellectual truth of God, so when my emotions want to drag me away from God for whatever reason, I say, nope, God is true, so I ain't budging.
Perhaps you need to look at your faith from a more intellectual point of view. Emotions come and go, and aren't always reliable indicators of truth or falsehood.
Reading the book of Job is an eye-opening experience, if you think you have it bad in your life (but maybe you've read it before?).
Also, a book called "The Gospel According To Job" by Mike Mason (Crossway Books, 1994) might be worth looking for if in pain, doubt, or both.