Compared to my life ten years ago, I am not living the good life; I am living the fabulous life. All my basic needs are covered, and I’m not worrying about paying the rent, where my next meal is coming from, or if I can put enough gas in the car to get me back and forth to work until my next paycheck. As a matter of fact, I don’t even work; I’m “retired.”
Believing that having food on the table and a roof over your head are grand, that having the basic necessities is lucky, and that life is a good thing is probably why I haven’t quite recovered from not feeling that way in the past. It’s just too good to...believe? last? be taken for granted?
“Remember when you were a little kid and your parents would take you for a ride...you’d drive past unfamiliar woods and be terrified that they were going to leave you there?” Sometimes when I’d be in a group of people reminiscing about their childhoods and their childhood fears, I’d ask that question. The answer was always “no,” and their expressions usually disbelief. How does a five-year-old develop such a fear of abandonment? That fear has been a constant companion, and refuses to recognize it’s no longer needed. I grew up thinking that all kids felt that way. My parents were middle class when being middle class was a positive thing. Spiritually, however, and emotionally we were poor.
That poverty is no longer a part of my life. I have a satisfying, if sometimes difficult, spiritual life. My personal life is so fulfilling that if I were any happier I’d probably be under suspicion. I’ve somehow adopted the attitude that the past is a room best left closed. Along with that and not caring what others think of me, I’ve pretty much attained my peace.
So why all the complaining? I have smoothly sailed into my sixties; my life is better than it was going into my fifties, forties, thirties, and twenties. Truly, my life for the past ten years has been a dream realized. I don’t just know this intellectually, I know it with every part of my being. Maybe I have to complain about aging — oops, I mean maturing — because there was always some threat in my life and, though there isn’t now, I’m staying in practice in case one shows up. Some part of me cannot accept that my life is golden, not just golden-aged.
Article comments
1 - Bernadine
Reading your post gave me a lot to think about and certainly quite a bit of perspective. Yes, I can relate to your thoughts about being blessed and needing to carry around a piece of wood.
Yet, it seems that we think so much about the negatives, although they may be small, and worry about the 'what if's'.
Your thoughts in this post will certainly make me go through my day with a different outlook. Thank you
2 - Bill
Well I agree with many of things you have to say although I rarely complain about anything. I work hard to find common ground with people & live each day to it's fullest because it's all any of us have.
I remember quote that went something like this: "I don't like growing old but it's better then the alternative...dying young"
I still feel like I'm 25 although I just passed 49 on my last birthday. I don't worry about growing old because it's part of living a full life...I'll always be a kid in my heart because I look for wonderment everywhere.
Thanks for sharing,
Hugs,
Bill
3 - David
I was feeling sorry for myself (and why not? If I don't, who will?), and did a Google on "depressed at sixty" and got your blog.
I turned sixty two weeks ago. Like everyone else, I'm shell shocked by that number. 59 is, well, in your fifties, but 60? And the next decade is... 70? Holy Hernias!
My wife reminds me of how we are blessed. She turned 50 six months ago, and is doing great. We have four wonderful children. All are (spit three times, puh-puh-puh, knock on wood, Gott forbit nichts uns gedacht (Yiddish)) doing great.
But, but, but. But I miss my parents. I miss my sister. I miss my thinner, smarter, more energetic younger self. And I miss my optimism.
Reading your post helped. I know the answers -- thank G-d for the blessings, never look back, consider the alternative, exercise more, eat less junk, etc. etc. And I'm sure they are right. But I'm afraid it doesn't really help me. I have to work it out myself. The answer is the *process* of working it out, not the actual answer itself. And your blog helped. Thanks.