This article has been a long time in the writing. For many obvious reasons it’s more difficult for me (a straight woman) to write about what makes a woman a good lover – although I have been with a few women I never really enjoyed it. When asking most men what makes a woman a good lover you get a variation on the same answer time and again – "Opening her legs".
I think that statement pretty much establishes that most men don’t have a clue — hands up all those who didn’t already suspect that — particularly when it comes to sex. What I have found is that although men think about the actual act of sex, they don’t think about the art. And the Art of Sex is what I would like to focus on. Let’s face it, no woman needs tips on spreading her legs.
I’m going to start with some absolute basics.
- You must be comfortable in your own skin. Stop worrying about what he is thinking about your body – he doesn’t care right now. We’ve all heard that men are more visually stimulated than women and generally that’s true. However, once you’re in bed he isn’t thinking about how big your thighs are or how much cellulite you’re carrying on your ass and you shouldn’t be either. It doesn’t matter. Let yourself go and give yourself to the moment and to him. If you think of yourself as a sexy woman then you will feel sexy. This is one of the most important tips for being a good lover. Men often complain that women just lie there like a sack of potatoes (referred to as a dead lay) or stiffen up like a board (surfing). Stop worrying about what he’s thinking and instead concentrate on what you’re feeling. Let the pleasure take you. Let him have his way with you.
- Masturbate. How is he going to know how to touch you if you don’t? Masturbation is an incredibly important part of sex. Until you know just how and where you enjoy being touched he isn’t going to be able to figure it out. Relax and touch yourself. Masturbation is beautiful and fun. If it helps - think of it as the best kind of research ever! If you need advice on basic masturbation techniques I suggest reading The Art of Female Masturbation on Skinful.com. It’s very helpful.
- Touch him! You want to get to know his penis. Fondle it, stroke it, caress it, suck, taste and touch it in every way. It's a lot of fun and no way is he going to complain but be gentle, keep in mind how delicate that part of a man is. Every man's penis is different just like every vagina is different. Find out how and where he likes to be touched. Get him to show you how he likes to be touched. You could watch him masturbate, although I know this makes some men feel uncomfortable and I have never met a man who would do it for me. (I know it would turn me on.)
- Don’t be afraid to tell him what you want. Tell him or show him what do to, what you like, how you want to be touched. Try to be positive; men can be very sensitive, particularly if they think you’re criticising them. Also tell him what you’re thinking. I gave this advice to men in my last column but it is very good advice for women too. Tell him how good it feels when he slides inside of you or how much you like it when he kisses your neck, earlobes, big toe or whatever just tell him. He isn’t psychic! Men like to please and they will usually do whatever it takes but you need to let them know what that is.
I hope these basic tips will help you ladies and men to enjoy each other a little more. Sex is the most fun two consenting adults can have together. It is far and away my favourite pastime.
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - JELIEL³
Nice article but very demeaning to men. You unfortunately didn't ask men, but boys or "guys" for your survey. I remember reading my sister's Cosmo once. It had an article on women's difficulty to get an orgasm and a few pages later a survey of the top 10 things women think about during sex. This list included getting the clothes from the dry cleaners and taking out the garbage.
What makes a woman a good lover, it's when she involves herself in the process and surrenders to it, more or less the basics you mentioned. If the technique is a bit off it doesn't matter at this point. Women have so many easily disappointed expectations, it's no wonder they're not having as much fun as they should.
2 - A.L. Harper
Jeliel -
I didn't mean it to be demeaning to men. I think that if men do think about what makes a woman a good lover they were less than willing to discuss it with me.
"it's when she involves herself in the process and surrenders to it"
I agree with you completely but in order for a woman to do that, first she must take the few small steps I have indicated, then she will relax enough to really surrender.
3 - JELIEL³
Perhaps you are right, most are reluctant to talk about it, for fear of jugement or getting told they got it all wrong.
But I believe some of us have a clue. Maybe it depends on who's orgasm the man is more interested in ;-)
4 - A.L. Harper
Jeliel -
"Maybe it depends on who's orgasm the man is more interested in"
If I enjoy mine you'll enjoy yours! If I enjoy my orgasm enough I'll want to do it over and over and over again all night long. When will men learn that part? *smile*
5 - zingzing
"What I have found is that although men think about the actual act of sex, they don't think about the art."
like some women, some men aren't any good at sex. like some women, some men are quite good at it. sometimes, a woman has taught me a great many things. sometimes, i have taught the ladies how good it can be (i'm not bragging...). you'd have to be crazy to think that no men think about the "art" of sex. if men never thought about it, sex would get rather dull, eh?
while your article takes its shots at women, it pretty well says, "men suck at this shit. it's up to you, ladies." BULLSHIT. it's up to both of you.
sex is not about one person or the other. if there are problems in the sack, you can't just say, "well YOU need to do this," or "maybe it's MY fault." you need to open up about shit WITHOUT offending half of the people involved.
there are plenty of men out there who "have a clue, particularily about sex." so, go out there and find one that does.
i don't think that a woman needs to "surrender" to anything. a woman's confidence needs to show in bed. whether than means directing, or if that means being aggressive, she needs to show it. no man wants to feel like he is "having his way" with a woman. what are we, barbarians? a man wants to be surprised as much as the woman.
i particularily like it when women are aggressive. it takes me out of control. now, i like being in control. in fact, i can't um... get off... if i'm not. but, why get off? we can play it your way... when i'm good and ready (and you're done), i'll just take that control right back... unless you want to fight about it. sorry, that was a little... personal...
but, you see my point. not all men are "clueless," so either get off your high horse, or go get a good man...
6 - zingzing
AAARGH! "When will men learn that part?" plenty have!
7 - zingzing
i'm sorry i got so offended. it's really just a few sentences of yours that i disagree with. i'm not saying this as an insult, repeat, i am not insulting you when i say that maybe you haven't had the best partners in the sack if this is truly your opinion of men.
8 - A.L. Harper
zing -
Chill out! It's ok you're entitled to your opinion. When I say a woman needs to surrender I don't mean in some passive lay there and take it way I mean she needs to be relaxed enough with herself and her partner to do whatever comes naturally without thinking about it.
I never say it is a man's fault if sex is bad either. In fact I think that it takes two to tango - as it were - as in all things the blame usually lies with both partners.
This was never meant to be an insult to men. I LOVE men very much and I have had many, many, many good lovers. I know they are out there.
9 - zingzing
okay... like i said, i'm sorry that i got so offended. and i didn't mean to insult you.
your language is just a bit strong... "When asking most men what makes a woman a good lover you get a variation on the same answer time and again - "Opening her legs". I think that statement pretty much establishes that most men don't have a clue - hands up all those who didn't already suspect that - particularly when it comes to sex. What I have found is that although men think about the actual act of sex, they don't think about the art."
other than the fact that you put the word "most" in there a couple of times, this is just a bunch of crap. maybe "most" men don't think about such things... i don't know... but plenty of men do think about such things, and you seem to discount them and forget that they even exist. you know as well as i do that "open her legs" is not really all it takes. so cut the crap. if that's all men wanted or needed...
it's like me saying this: "most women aren't worth having sex with."
sure, it may be true. it's also a nasty thing to say. if you want open dialogue, as you seem to say (and as it is quite important to getting the most out of fucking), then don't start by calling half of the equation worthless. it backfires.
10 - A.L. Harper
Zing -
My language isn't a bit strong - it's tongue-in-cheek.
"then don't start by calling half of the equation worthless"
I don't say that at all. I just don't see that in this article. I'm sorry you do.
11 - zingzing
*clearing throat*, and i quote, again: "men don't have a clue - hands up all those who didn't already suspect that - particularly when it comes to sex."
it's tongue in cheek, sure, but it's also self-congratulatory, "come on girls, you know what i mean, yeah?," and it's kind of pointless.
and it 100% is designed to call men "worthless." don't deny it. it's also wrong. plenty of men have a "clue." you know that's right too, so why do you say that basically none of them know what they are doing? it's arrogant and sexist.
i'm not saying you are arrogant and sexist, in fact, i usually like what you have to say, and the rest of the article is just fine... but this sentence (and a few surrounding it) is just nasty. it's boring and uninformed.
if you want women to acknowledge their desires as healthy, and men are a huge part of making those desires realities, why bash "most" men as worthless, clueless, artless and secondary? if men are totally clueless, they wouldn't even bother reading things like this, educating themselves... and then they see this... that they are clueless... yeah, great. a great chorus of "feck off" comes from half the population.
12 - Bobardo
zingzing - I'm guessing someone in your past hurt you bad for you to harbor such pent-up vitriol. Calm down!
When A.L. said "men can be very sensitive, particularly if they think you're criticising them" she was obviously right!
As a man, I am not in the slightest bit offended by this article - why would I be? It was intended for women (the clue was in the title). If women have more fun in bed after reading it - who's gonna complain?
13 - zingzing
christ. i'm not harboring pent up vitriol. i'm glad you're not offended. i also don't really care. i have questions, valid questions, for the author of the piece. i don't understand where she is coming from when she says that men are clueless. it's silly and arrogant. i'm not saying that a.l. is silly or arrogant... this is a view held by a lot of women, and it's stupid. a lot of women are clueless, but i would never, ever have the balls to say that "most" women are clueless when it comes to sex. it's just not true. i hope not, at least...
it is intended for women. i suppose. but it also misleads them into thinking that no man has a clue, which could get women in trouble. at least giggled at.
all i'm saying is that if you treat a man like a baby, that's what you're going to get. (i see it coming.) you shouldn't assume a man knows everything, but if you assume he knows nothing, you're going to get nothing.
14 - zingzing
hrm. i'll say this: i've had far too much good sex to think that i'm the only one who is good at it. the ladies, they keep up with me. i'm also smart enough to realize that i'm fairly normal, and there are undoubtably lots of men out there who are just as good (maybe better, maybe just bigger) as i am. trying to blame one sex or the other for bad sex is wrong. blame yourself (at the very least, you've got to pick better partners), or blame the other person (on the occasions that they really don't know what they are doing), but don't think it's just the other sex's fault.
15 - zingzing
i am digging my own grave.
16 - A.L. Harper
Zing -
"why bash "most" men as worthless, clueless, artless and secondary?"
Where do you see that! My god are you serious?! If I thought that I would commit suicide!
"most men don't have a clue - hands up all those who didn't already suspect that"
Tongue-in-cheek!
"i have questions, valid questions, for the author of the piece"
You have questions?! Then ask them! So far all you have done is release a torrent of what looks like personal hostility! You haven't asked one single question. Who are you one of my ex lovers or something?! Did I break your heart?
Bobardo -
Thank you. I hope you and your partner do have more fun in bed.
17 - zingzing
jesus... okay...
worthless/clueless: "most men don't have a clue... when it comes to sex"
artless: "they [men] don't think about the art [of sex]"
secondary: i'll concede that you never quite come out and say it, although it is implicit in the statements above. it seems, to me, like you are saying that women have to tell a man what to do, not JUST because it will lead to better sex (it will), but because they are totally clueless.
if you were being tongue in cheek, then i apologize, but if i said, "women have no business in the business world, let's face it, guys, they're clueless, [never let them near your checkbook]," you would not think i was being funny.
you cannot read your own second paragraph as being at least slightly condecending towards men. it is.
it's not personal hostitlity. i have no problem with you. i have (relativly few) problems with women. the question i want answered is this: where does this "men are clueless" attitude come from?
again, as i have said in almost every comment i have posted, i am sorry if i came off as offended. i was a little. not too much. and i am not attacking you. i am just questioning whether that second paragraph is anything but an attack on men, and, since it is a bit of an attack, tongue in cheek or not, where does this attack come from? if it's not how you really feel, why do you put it that way?
18 - JELIEL³
#4
A.L. Harper
Oh I got that part a while back. One simply has to think beyond one's self. The benefits of selflessness applies at all levels of life, especially sex. (and that's what I meant by surrendering, I did not mean it as submission... unless that's your thing of course ;-) )
19 - A.L. Harper
Jeliel -
I'm glad you got it! Good sex is SUCH a good thing.
"I did not mean it as submission... unless that's your thing of course ;-)"
Sometimes....sometimes not. *smile*
20 - NR Davis
Actually, I agree with Mr. Zingzing. Tongue in cheek though the not-so-bon mots may have been intended to be, they do communicate condescension and imply that men are somehow inferior. I can see how some might find those offending few sentences a turnoff. Guaranteed, if I was picking a lover, it would be a woman, but because that's how I am wired - not because men are sexually inferior or only think with their penises or are concerned with the act more than the art. Yeah, some men - like some women - are like that; they're sexual pigs. Others are saints (in particular I think of men with whom I slept who had no hope of pleasing me, yet did everything they could to try). Those are good guys and they deserve acknowledgement. That isn't to say you should be silenced from making those statements you probably find funny, Ms. Harper, but sweeping tongue-in-cheekisms can obscure the existence of those who don't fit the profile being ribbed, ridiculed and/or dissed. That helps no one.
21 - zingzing
thank and you. if this was just a personal opinion, or a jest, then it wouldn't bother anyone. it's the fact that many women blame their lacking sexlife on men--who they see as just out to bust their nut--that bothers me.
if a woman has a terrible sex life, she ought to be looking at her self (and her choice in men) before she dismisses it as the man's fault. i know, ms harper, that the rest of your article points out how a woman can improve her sexlife her own damn self, but these kind of statements are not helpful to anyone.
22 - A.L. Harper
Don't call me Ms Harper. A.L. will do thank you.
23 - zingzing
okay, okay... how many women have you known who have said, "i've never had an orgasm?" a few, if not more than a few, i am sure. how many men do you know that would say the same thing. big fat zero.
if you ask this no-orgasm woman why she's never had one, now and then, more often than necessary, you will hear this whopper: "because no man has ever made me cum."
bull.
you've never made yourself cum. it's not just knowing how to get yourself off, it's training your brain (and nethers) to get off at all and to get off in all sorts of ways... use the showerhead on different settings, use some fingers, try out a vibrator, get one of them dildos with the butt-bit... get off as many different ways as possible. if you are timid with your orgasm, if you only know it one way (if at all), that's the only way you are going to get off.
how many women say that they don't have orgasms during penetration? get a dildo! recreate penetration! do it until you get off! stick it in from behind! get off that way... tape it to the fucking wall. give it a blow job. turn yourself on until you can't get turned on anymore.
practice makes perfection. and don't say that this diatribe is unwarranted... you yourself point out that women should masterbate. i'm saying go nuts on it!
24 - zingzing
then i'm not zing. zingzing will be fine, thank you.
25 - Dawn
zingzing you are a man of many, many, many questions.
In fact, my six-year-old doesn't have as many questions as you do.
AL is well meaning and offers some good points, but she was a bit officious in her opening statement.
Some women are just bossy - and from one bossy chick to another, you go little missy!