WTF?
I was friends with a guy in Elementary school who used a broken pencil sharpener to slash his forearm. He would do this in class. Our teacher either did not notice or did not care. He would then suck up the blood and smile. He encouraged others to do so, though he found few takers.…
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— go to most recent comments476 - Douglas Mays
Robin, try this one on for size:
"Opinion is the lowest form of human knowledge. It requires no accountability, no understanding. The highest form of human knowledge is empathy, for it requires us to suspend our egos and live in another's world. It requires profound purpose larger than the self kind of understanding" --educator Bill Bullard.
Of course one could make an educated opinion. But in general... For instance, a sociopath is completely incapable of this highest form of knowledge (See BC's "The Sociopath Next Door" to get the mind started on that thought). They may act the part to lure the victim, but it is only crocodile tears.
"Understanding" from the inside out is the term. Living the part. Yeah, let me say in a humble manner that my above statements are based on such.
Anyway, that is my Sunday morning philosophy. I better knock down another cup of coffee, read the paper and watch soccer from Mexico on Univision. Maybe some curling will be on the CBC. My mind is tired with that thought....
shine on,
DM
477 - maggie mae
well, while i'm here i guess i'll give you all a little update...
essentially, he doesn't know why, but he can't stand to be near me. he doesn't like that it's like that. he doesn't know why he feels that way. he wishes it were different. but it's not.
i understand that he needs time, and i care about him enough to give him that time, but it broke my heart. i miss him, and the way we used to be friends. and he misses the way we used to be too (according to my friend that he talks to a lot and told her this). but until he sorts out his own problems, he needs space, and i respect that.
but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt...
478 - Douglas Mays
Maggie! Yes, respect the space. the dude has so much to figure out in life. And actually, you are doing the same thing also. You need space to figure life out, whether you realize it or not.
The space will most likely bring you back together in a more evolved way.
hhhmmm...thinking....
may the light shine on,
DM
479 - Douglas Mays
Nikki, Maggie, Josie!!!!!!
Give me an update!!!!
shining,
DM
480 - maggie mae
hey guys!
well, today was what i would consider a "good day." it was one of the (sadly) rare days that feels like nothing has changed. we talk and joke, just like it was before. it was nice. i like days like today.
i was thinking about the word "love" again recently.. do you guys remember how i said that he was in love with someone? or did i not say that..? well, either way, he's in love. has been for a while. i don't blame him. she's an amazing girl. practially my sister. but that's almost a problem. almost, but not quite.
it's amazing that, even at my relatively young age, i have delt with the number of relationship problems i have... even more, that none of them (until now) were mine... one of my friend's favorite things that i have ever said was (in response to our conversation about her guy problems) "how did i suddenly become involved in so many awkward love polygons!?"
but now, in retrospect,i really haven't been in many. it's the same three polygons... and two of them were mine... but not really... well. i don't know.. *sigh*
in the first, i was just a messenger/giver of advice. i helped(/am still helping) my friend with her guy confusion/problems/chaos. the second, i was unfortunately what some might consider a mistress (he had a grilfriend)..? yeah, my morals=not what they should be.. at least, that was before him... but this last one, it's a triangle. i have come to hate triangles. triangles are chosen by architects and engineers for their substantial superiority in stability over all other shapes. they are unbreakable. if you have a triangle (made of a non-bendable material, of course), it's impossible to collapse it. ever looked at a cross-section of cardboard? all triangles.
anyway, my point is that these shapes i was in before, they were polygons. many sided/angled. i could have left, and it would be nearly unchanged. i wasn't that big of a player in the game. but now, it's just a triangle. i'm so involved in this shape/relationship (between the three of us) that i can't just up and leave. i'm truly in this. i don't have a choice anymore. but that's not exactly a bad thing, because no matter how i much i don't like exactly where it is right this second, i wouldn't want these people out of my life. she's like my sister and my best friend all in one, and he's like my best friend, who i happened to unfortunately fall for..
could my life be anymore of a cliched movie?
anyway... i don't even remember what i was going to say.. i don't know what's going to happen next.. hell, i barely know all of what's happening right now.. but what i do know, is that whoever's reading this is probably wondering why i've been saying that all of this isn't quite problem... (haha, i think that's what i was going to get to anyway..) this isn't quite a problem, because he's a great guy (with a few flaws) and she's a great girl (with who own flaws) and they're practically perfect for eachother.. (mary poppins, practically perfect in every way. [sorry, i'll stop with the side comments for now.]) if they did end up getting together, i'd be really, truly happy for them. they're both two of my best friends, and if they were both happy, being together, then i's be happy for them. but if even one of us was out of the picture, or in this case geometry lesson, it would drastically change the whole situation. and i wouldn't want to lose either of them. my only concern, knowing both of them (and both of their tendencies to have suicidal thoughts), is that if they did start dating, and then broke up, what would happen to the three of us? there was a point in time where we could have been the three musketeers. then one of the musketeers decided to go and fall in love.
goodbye three musketeers. hello my personal drama movie.
*daydream*
narrator: they used to be like peanut butter and jelly. and bread. they got along like three peas in a pod. but then, the pod shrunk. winter came, it whithered, and then there was only room for two in the pod. another pod grew, but there was only room for two peas in that pod too. the three peas were in dissaray. what were they to do? they moved back and forth, trying to spread their friendship between the two pods, but there was always one pea that was left alone. and when alone, this pea would get very, very sad. the same was true for the other two peas. each pea, when it was without one of the other peas, would go into a state of mind that most would consider unhealthy. they would think of ways to get out of the situation. they thought, maybe, if they jumped out of the pod they were in, they would fall on the ground, and wouldn't grow anymore. they figured that no one would notice, considering that they were in a pod all by themselves anyway. what they didn't know was that the other two peas, even though they were in another pod, could see the lone pea. they saw it put its plans together, get ready to make the jump. when they thought things were going too far, one of the peas would go and spend time with the pea that was alone, to help cheer it up. but that would leave the third pea all alone. and the cycle would repeat itself. the peas knew that something had to be done about the situation, but they were at a loss for ideas. they didn't know what to do..
pea 1 (to pea 2): i'm worried about pea 3. he's always quiet now. but only around me. he's normal with everyone else, maybe a little more energetic, but other than that, he hasn't changed.
pea 2: well, maybe he just doesn't know what to say. he's all alone over there, in his own pod, and he has no one to talk to. sure, he can see and yell to the peas in other pods, but he doesn't have anyone to talk to regularly. he doesn't know what happens over here in this pod, and maybe he doesn't know how to start a conversation..
pea 1: maybe. i'm just really worried about him. will you go and see if he's okay for me?
pea 2: sure.
*pea 2 goes over to pod with pea 3*
pea 2: hey! it's been a while.. what's up?
pea 3: not much. i miss pea 1. i don't get to talk to her much anymore..
pea 2: why don't you go and visit?
pea 3: well, i wouldn't know what to say. or how to act. i don't want to lose her as a friend, but i'm not sure how to get things back to the way they were..
pea 2: things don't have to go back to the way they were. sometimes the best thing is to move forward.
pea 3: i know, but that doesn't mean that i don't want it to go back. i miss the way things used to be..
pea 2: trust me, she does too. maybe you should just leave things for a little while, give it time. either that, or just act like you used to, and maybe she will too...
pea 3: maybe... will you go and make sure she's not too lonely for me?
pea 2: of course.
pea 3: thanks.
*pea 2 goes back over to pea 1*
pea 1: what happened?
pea 2: nothing much..
pea 1: then why are you back so soon?
pea 2: just making sure you're not too lonely. we both know what happens when you're left alone for too long...
pea 1: yeah..*sigh* but hey, i'm not the only one...
pea 2: i know, i know.
pea 1: so.. any updates about pea 3?
pea 2: well, he wants things to go back to normal too..
pea 1: really!?
pea 2: yeah, but..
pea 1: "but" what? this is great!
pea 2: BUT... i think that after what's happened, with winter and everything, it might be hard to go back to exactly the way things were before..
pea 1: well maybe they wouldn't be exactly the same, but they'd be close..
pea 2: look, hun. i think that maybe you should sit on this for a while. think about it. let the situation play out. remember, there's no rewind button here, only normal speed..
pea 1: i guess... i just miss him. he's so far away, in that pod over there...
pea 2: but he's so close at the same time.
pea 1: yeah, well.. i'm kinda in a glass-half-empty mood right now...
pea 2: hey, look at it this way.. the optimist says that the glass is half full. the pessimist says that the glass is half empty. the engineer says that the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
pea 1: whatever. i just need to figure this out...
*end of daydream*
well, there's a little peek into my scary mind for all of you... sorry about the engineer joke. the glass half empty line popped into head, and then that saying did. you knid of have to be in my family to get it...
anyway, if you're confused, i'm not surprised. pea 2 kind of switched between the girl he loved/my bestfriensister (our little inside joke) and one of my other very close friends, whom he now talks to a lot, and she helps me to know if he's doing okay. (i'm not trying to be like, stalkerish or anything, i just want to be sure he's okay. he's actually been a lot better lately.. like i said, today was a "good day.") also, that's not exactly how this is all happening.. i had to leave out some stuff because it wouldn't make sense if you hadn't been directly involved in the situation. also, because of those spaces, i had to add in some stuff.. so really, this is almost nothing like the real story, other than a VERY basic outline of the situation.. if that was how it really was then i would just have the narrator say, "the three peas waited out the winter. it was long and cold, and hard for all of them, but they survived. spring arrived, and new pea plants started to grow. one plant that grew sprouted a pod that was the right size for three peas. and, when it grew, it was empty. all three of the peas moved into the new pod. they new that winter would come again in another year, and there was a possibility of there not being a pod that could fit all three of them, but they also knew that even though it was though, they could get through the winter, and make it to another spring." and the happy ending would rule the day. that is, if this whole thing was planned out in my head before it happened, in which case, i/we wouldn't be in this situation...
the point of the story (other than to maybe give you a glimpse into the strangest mind you may possibly ever encounter) is to show you that the three of us are friends. and that's what's kinda difficult about it. i spent some time with her on saturday (the first time since halloween, actually..) and she was telling me what he had said to her. he told her that he loves her (which he already had, and she already knew, and almost the start of the situation, but not quite), and that even though he loves her, and he will /want/ (pretend the word "want" is in italics, because i have no idea how to do it, hence the slashes) to be with her, he's perfectly okay if they're only friends. he'll wonder what it would have been like if they got together, but if they're friends then he can deal with it. he just wanted to have her in his life somehow... and the worst part, is that while she was telling me this, i should have been thinking, "that's great, you can still be friends, maybe things can go kindof back to normal." but i wasn't. the whole time she was telling me this, i wasn't thinking that at all. i was think about how my heart was acting when she said his name. and when she described how he felt. because, my heart was going crazy when she said his name. even now, just thinking about him, it's going into overdrive again... but also, when she talked about how he felt, it ripped my heart into shreds. not only because i know the longing he would feel to know how things would have been. because i would, i would know exactly how he would feel. but the biggest reason was that as she sat there, repeating his words, i felt so horrible. for her, him, and me. because the way he feels about her. it's the same way i feel about him. i mean, the EXACT same way... i should be happy for both of them. happy that he got his feeling off of his chest. happy that she won't feel guilty about spending time with him, hoping he won't get the wrong impression. happy that the two of them can be friends again, without the awkwardness. well, some of it, anyway... and, i mean, i am. i am happy for them. but what i feel more than happiness, is confusion. despair - for my loss of a friendship that was once more perfect than the movies. guilt - for telling my friend all this, even though i know that she already has to deal with how he feels about her, juggling our two friendships, and, to top it all off, some of the most suicidal tendencies i have ever seen (still love her, though). sorrow - for the guy i like not liking me back (cheesy, i know). happiness - for liking a guy enough that the mere though of him sends my stomach skipping about my abdominal cavity like a small girl in a field of daisies (i even amaze /myself/ [again with the italics] with some of the thoughts that go through my head...). stress/overwhelming - for on top of this, having to deal with school, friends, family, growing up, dealing with things way beyond my maturity level (had to through a "Juno" quote in there somewhere [that is true, i just got the wording from the movie]), and life in general. and last but not least, confusion - for having to juggle all of these emotions at once, and still pull off everyday tasks with some mild form of normalty... (me, normal, right...)
my point is.. well, i don't even know what my point is... i do know that typing this has done something for me, otherwise i wouldn't be doing it (shallow [and lazy], i know..). even if this all dissapears in cyberspace, i will have achieved something.. i think. the thing is, i don't know what i've achieved. i've covered so many topics, i don't even know what my original point was. my mind changes subjects so quickly, sometimes it's even hard for me to keep up.. let alone explain these things to anybody else..
i guess, i just want to get my story out there.. maybe? i don't even know my intentions, either (although, intentions and final points do tend to go hand in hand..). but i'm guessing. (hoping to analyze my impossible to decipher mind and thought process, and get an answer out of that.. [wow, i actually have to analyze my own thoughts to know what i'm getting at..]) looking at the situation from an analytical perspective, i'd say that it helps to talk, no matter who has the problem, no matter who the problem is being told to. talking helps everybody. i'm here, now, to talk. to tell me story. to know that i'm not the only person who knows this information. being here allows me to stay as anonymous as i like (assuming no one here is taking my information, tracking me through the internet, and about to ring my doorbell and murder me...), while still revealing the information i need to get out. i can tel;l my story, without people knowing who i am (notice i give out no names...).it relieves the stress of knowing information that no one else does, eliminating one of the many emotions that i have to juggle everyday. also, it's gets my story out to the public. it warns people how /not/ to act so that they will not have to deal with the stress, emotional pain, and overall (to be frank) sucky feeling associated with this situation. while i doubt that anything like exactly this has ever existed before, or will ever exist in the future, it lets people know what to avoid. but hey, that's just a guess.
how's that for analytical skill?
until next time,
~maggie mae
by the way, please excuse my manners.
doug, how are you?
nikki, josie, are you guys still here?
481 - Douglas Mays
Maggie Mae, you are brilliant!!!!! what an amazing comment you just posted above. This may go down as a novel in a comment or something.
Yeah, those triangle things. Can be very damaging if one side is bent. As in my case. It ain't me or the wife. One side is a very sick minded criminal-therefore big problems.
However, your triangle seem healthy (or healthier, at least), now that some resolve has come about. Love the engineer joke.
OK, the book or movie script? You are a hell of a writer. We both have a story. Good job with yours. Mine isn't quite resolved due to the sick criminal element involved. It take a while to battle that element. Fucking sociopaths! They slip under the radar, but karma always gets them. I'll keep you up to date. I hope to have a detailed comment of a grounbreaking nature in a while....
WOW, that journey I was talking about above...Thanks for sending a post-card.
Shine, baby!!!!
xo
DM
482 - Douglas Mays
Maggie, I forgot to mention your 'peas in a pod' story line!! More brillance!
but, maybe you can use some humor...
Q: What do the great nation of Canada and all the women of the world have in common?
A: beavers.
OK, kick my ass over that one....
keep on!
DM
483 - maggie mae
hmm... it could just be me, but i don't find that incredibly funny....
but speaking of kicking asses.. my friend that he loves - she goes back and forth between liking him and not (liking in a romantic way, she's always his friend), and when i spent time with her on saturday, it was a day that she liked him. and that feeling ahsn't gone away. and she told me that she was afraid of that fact. afraid that she would get hurt again (she's been cheated on before, and he doesn't have a perfectly clean record... me being one of his "other women". plus the fact that because of all of her issues, she gets hurt a lot more easily than most..). i told her that it's not necessarily a bad thing that she feels that way, and that it's better to have tried than to have wondered. i also told her that if it did all go to hell, i'd be right here for her. and the only time i would leave would be to kick his ass.
and then i realized that if i tried to kick his ass, he'd probably end up breaking every bone in my body, so that might not be such a good idea...
..and that was my "kicking ass" story... it's really not as funny here as it is to me and her...
484 - maggie mae
however, i have another update..
to the point: today was hell.
last night i had trouble sleeping because, and also the second i woke i was automatically - and very surprisingly - giddy. euphoric. happy.
and i'm confused about it. not the happiness in itself - even though a few months ago i would have been telling myself i don't deserve to be happy (don't worry, not anymore). i'm not confused about how to be happy, or what happiness will do to me or anything like that. i'm confused about /why/ i was happy. why i was suddenly, unexplainably, almost unaturally, estatic. nothing has happened that would make me happy. he loves her, at this point she likes him, they might just become the two best frinds that fall in love, and i'm left behind. while i'm not denying that i'm quite a pessimist, those are the facts, and i'm just saying that nothing at all has happened that would make me that happy. and that's what's throwing me off.
he's seeing her this afternoon. i bet that right about now, they're meeting again for the first time since november. he's going all google-eyed. she's trying to pretend that he's not. he's happy that she's seeing him at all, and even though he said he'd be okay just being friends -and meant it - it's hard for him to suppress his feelings for her. she notices but doesn't let him know that she's aware. they'll go to his house, and down to the basement to watch a movie. it will be a horror movie (they always are). she'll sit there, clutching a pillow, and he'll wish it him that she would turn to for comfort (instead of a stuffed piece of fabric that can't appreciate it at all).
or - as i just found out online, there will be someone else there... and it will be slightly awkward, but mostly for her, since he just came out as being bi...
ahh, my life...
485 - Douglas Mays
hhhmmm...a lot of emotion going on here. For instance, you describe unexplainable mood swings. Waking up happy... Of course, some would make a judgement of that bi-po thing. Of course, I couldn't say at this time....
Now, between your male friend and his 'friend'. hhhmmm...sounds like a twisted tale. But then, it all is, isn't it? You may wonder how the hell did your life and emotions get hijacked by all of this.
It seems like you are becoming the friend and therapist for his 'friend' also. Demand a fee! hehe? WOW!
Happiness... not really a comfort zone for you. Probably kinda confusing when that feeling comes around. the anchor of doom. that probably is more acceptable to you. And think about the hoops you jump thru to comply with living in doom. Survival...
Yah, the Canadian joke some people crack up over, some don't even get it. Your response was perfect!
Anyway, the twisted path of the journey to resolve confusion, pain, fear, etc. It seems like empathy is a driving force behind this dynamic (see comment #476). You do care and have some sort of undersanding, but that understanding may not be complete. Suspending the ego is crucial. It is a matter of getting behind the wheel of his car (mind) and driving it a bit. Seeing the road as he sees it, not convoluted with how you want him to see it or anything...
This story sounds like it could be a horror, comedy, drama, mystery. There is a new category for the Oscar nomination board.
Anyway, more analysis. Keep in touch, lots to figure out in this story...
xo
DM
486 - Douglas Mays
And you know, as an end result, his new 'bi-lover-friend' is probably the one that is going to get hurt. You seem to be be locked into this guy as a friend that will always be there (as long as he is there for you always), regardless of situation.
Be the friend you are in a pure, friend style. In the long run you will be the one left standing. Funny thing is that both of them will come to you. One crying, one asking what to do. And you will be this sounding board for them both.
I dunno, but that could happen. But a lot going on here.
best,
DM
487 - maggie mae
empathy - it's interesting that you would say i need to consider it more, when i have been told repeatedly (by my mother, at least) that i'm /too/ empathetic. i associate with the emotions around me so deeply, and get so involved in the situation, that's it's harder for me to separate myself from it. i think that that's why i have such a big problem with change. i get too emotionally involved in everything, including places, events, even routines, and that's why it's so much harder for me when everything's different.
that's just a speculation, but some would call it and educated guess.
that juno quote i mentioned yesterday (was it only yesterday? it seems like forever ago...) is definitely true for my life. i constantly deal with things way beyond my maturity level. in the sense of the world, i'm not even 15 years old yet. but mentally - maturely - i'm probably more like middle aged. and either no one gives me credit for it (the "you're just a kid" references), people (mainly just my dad) give me too much credit for it (when i do see him, it always consists of a hug, a kiss, a movie, and a lecture. and he tells me that he treats me like an adult, and that i'm mature enough to handle it), or people rely on me too much for it. the last one i don't mind as much, because it's really just one or two friends that ask me for advice on a regular basis. and i like helping them sort out their problems - if only just to prove to myself that there's hope out there for my problems too. but sometimes, they just don't realize that this maturity that enables me to give them this advice, while it might be helpful sometimes, it's also a burden too...
and there's some more of my insane thought process for you to sift through..
488 - Douglas Mays
Maggie, that empathy thing. Yes, you have gained the highest form of human knowledge. Right on!!!!!
That is way cool of you. And, you know, you have amazing skills of analyzing and expressing your feelings (for age 14). Doesn't it feel like you have an old soul? Well, that is a good thing as it contains some wisdom that others 3 times your age don't have.
Yeah, the burden of others not getting it. They will as time goes on. People have this 2+2=4 attitude when trying to analyze the mind. It doesn't work like that. the mind is more of an algebra or calculus thing. These people that have a 2+2=4 approach to emotional analysis are so off base, to the point of retardation. It is more like they are actually saying 2+2=chair or something.
this is the thing you see in therapy and psychiatry a lot. Psychiatry for example. They seem to have the approach of 2+2=eat another pill. This sociopath that has invaded wife's life has her so damaged that the psychiatrist has her on so many pills SHE DOES NOT NEED that they will KILL her. A combo of 6 or more pills will eventually kill you. Psychiatry, a cottage industry of the pharmacuetical world. Most of those guys know nothing about the flow of the human mind. You seem to be learning very well.
Wait till you hit age 21 (the tough part is not driving yourself nuts, but age 20-the what am I going to do with my life question. I'm a girl yet I am a woman...) Hang in there because at age 23 or so you will be on your way to excelling as a human.
The older you get, the more you become like yourself. Along the way you just keep tweeking the details.
Overall, I sure get the impression that you are a very evolved human for your age. Or evolving very well.
To throw in the astrology thing, I am a Scorpio. They say that we have the abilbity to make sense of chaos. Years ago I worked in a Class A emergency room. Some of the doctors and such were amazed how I would not get shaken by some of the intense stuff and go about doing the medical thing as if I was just changing a tire or something.
Anyway, Maggie, you seem like an amazing person. Good to have you on this earth. But at you age, it sure is a bitch analyzing the analysis and putting it in a comfort zone. the empathy thing mixed with the emotion is a hell of a thing to deal with.
You know, there are people in this world that are hard wired to having no empathy. for instanse, Ted Bundy saw nothing wrong with what he did. He could have gotten a life sentence, there was no way he would ever think he did anything wrong. Might as well give him a death sentence. There are some things in some people that cannot change.
some are good, like empathy. You are a human that is all about love. Right on!!! some people will say "i love you" but it is not anything close to the actual evolved meaning of love. Usually it is just a selfish thing and a trap to deceive the person they are saying it to.
You seem to be a person developing a good b.s. detector. sometimes you get fooled along the way, but in general, I think you'll be alright. It just takes time and experience to evolve. And getting your emotions twisted. It sucks, but it pays off in the long run.
Fuck, the marathon of life...
Keep in touch! Your last few posts are very impressive. I think they will have an impact on a lot of readers.
xo
DM
489 - maggie mae
well i hope it does. i want to help people as much as this has helped me. i actually might take psychology next year.. you said in one of your previous posts that a lot of shrinks out there just became shrinks because they either wanted the money or wanted to help people not have a sucky life they did, but are still thinking about themselves. i have in the past few months been thinking about persuing a career in psychology... i mena, of course i would love to help people and have them not go through what i have, but that's not the only reason. it's helping people in general. giving them someone to talk to, to get things off of their chest. also, i've been told i give good advice, and if i can help someone without giving them 8 million pills to take everyday, then that would be a wonderful accomplishment. plus, i've always been interested in the workings of the human mind.. yes, psychology is definitely an option...
so, i don't know if you can tell, but i am considerably happier today... wanna know why?
"i'm over it."
his exact words. in reference to that unexplainable anger - simply, "i'm over it." obviously, there's more than that...
basically, i was fed up with him almost imagining i don't exist. we were at the carnival that raises money for the seniors at out high school, which is at the beach. i was talking to an eighth grader that i had just met, and we were talking about how we were both in complicated situations. we pretty much both started to say "i like this guy..." and then we panicked. we though we liked the same guy. we were describing him (our separate guys) and apparently they have a lot in common... blond-ish hair, pale blue eyes... and then we realized we didn't like the same guy. that was better. we both practically had panic attacks before we found that out... anyway, then she goes on to talk about how the guy she likes doesn't like her back, and doesn't really talk to her much anymore, and i said that i knew how she felt. then she said that she had a best friend who was practically being a traitorous bitch, and joining a group of the popular, preppy bitches at her school.. and that her friend was constanly making out with a guy, and she wished he would just ask her out already because it was really annoying that they would randomly start kissing with no regard for who else was there... well it's just my luck that her friend was the girl that was making out with my guy. (not that i own him or anything, just the distinguishing word.) that made it even more complicated for me than it would have been if we simply liked the same guy..
anyway - that was about when i went catatonic. at first, i just didn't want to be there. i wanted to leave, but i didn't want to move. it wasn't worth the effort, because no matter where i went, i couldn't escape my thoughts, and the facts about what had happened with my guy. so i just lied there. eventually i told her the truth - that i'm most likely depressed, and even more likely a suicide risk. she forbade me to kill myself, which wouldn't have been a problem, since i wasn't going to take the effort to move. i stayed there, just laying there - catatonic. eventually, i got up, and walked towards the water. fully bent on drowning myself, i might add. then, as i got closer, i lost all will power, and just stood there. still almost catatonic. then my new friend saw me, and brought him over to cheer me up. it didn't work. it kinda made things worse, but i wasn't talking, so i couldn't tell her that. then i fell backwards. i didn't get hurt or anything, and it was on purpose, but i just kinda *dropped* on to the sand. ended up losing my phone, which i didn't realize until later. but yes, after falling, i lied there for a while. then i got up and started walking back towards the actual carnival. but the carnival was loud and bright, so i turned around. i went and sat on one of the structures in the playground, which is a fire truck type thing. i sat in the fornt of it, spining the wheel with one finger while still staring into space. then he came back. he asked me if i was okay. i said no. he offered me pot. i asked if it would make me forget (kind of kidding, because that's sort of one of the main reasons people do drugs, but he answered me anyway). he said yes, and that they (he and a couple other people) were going then - kind of a now or never deal. i ended up going, fully doubting that i would end up doing anything anyway, but i wanted to be there, to spend time with him while he was in a good mood. my new friend and her friend came along, just to be there too. we were just kinda sitting on the ground, way down the beach, while one of the guys was making a pipe out of tin foil, and i was still bordering catatonic. i think that that was when he realized what was up, and that he was the only person that had the power to change it. so he stood me up, made me look at him, and said straight to my face "i'm over it."
my one fear that's in the back of my head, even though my friend that helps me by talking to him (see novel-post) talked to him and he assured her that he's being honest, is that come school tomorrow, it'll be the same that it was before. but i pray to god (and i don't even believe in god) that he was telling me the truth last night. because then i have one of my best friends back. i don't have to suffer while he ignores me, because he won't be ignoring me. hopefully that's how it'll play out. i mean, of course i still like him, but just having him in my life as a friend is good enough for me. for now at least...
so hopefully as i continue to share my story, it'll have a happier ending than anyone would have expected after my last few posts..
until next time,
~maggie mae
P.S. happy mother's day to everyone out there!
hope it's going well for you.
nikki, josie - are either of you still here?
490 - Douglas Mays
Maggie Mae!!!! You ROCK!!!!!
Psychology? Good move. I'm glad you are also picking up on my observation of the inability of a lot of therapists, etc. to actually understand the flow of the individual's mind. The industry needs minds like yours to bring light. Well, if anything, you would be one that excels.
My observations have been backed up by some doctors of one of the best medical schools in this country (University of Washington). I ain't talking out my ass. Well, wifey and I do use farting as a second language...btw, things are evolving to a much better point for her. It is a long road to recovery of the mind, soul and self, but then she has a long road of damage. So, you know, that balance thing.
Oh man, you are a very good writer. I could imagine you coming up with a best seller about personal psychology. Or at least your Master's Thesis would rock!
This is so cool. You know, a long time ago (mid 70s) my mind went thru that whole twisted personal crisis. It is all about love, isn't it? At least that is the baseline point of it all. Part of growing up in this modern age. Sure, my folks took me to a psychologist, etc. but it made no sense to me. I figured that I didn't need some pill to untwist my mind. A change of environment did help. And the trick is to let it flow. At the same time you guide the flow of he river. Don't let anyone else try to redirect the stream. There are those that can help you guide the boat, as long as you are still the captain.
Ah geez, I could go on and on about details. But mainly, you rock! Oh man, I took a Benedril last night and they have this foggy half-life. I need 18 cups of coffee to see straight right now.
WOW! Keep in touch! And yes, donde esta Nikki and Josie? We are always sending out positive vibrations for ya!
best,
DM
491 - maggie mae
well, i so totally wrote something in school today that i was planning on putting on here, but it's in my bag, and i don't feel like getting it out at the moment. maybe later. if not, tomorrow.
but it was a good point, in my opinion... it was about how people just want to be happy, but to be the happiest, they use these man-made things like drugs and alchohol, which just make them need more to get the same amount of happiness. and they don't realize that they can be happiest by doing things with other people and feeling emotions like excitement and curiosity. it was my (sad) attempt at a combination of my (supposed) writing skill and my (miniscule) knowledge of psychology/the human mind.
like i said, if i don't get to it later, then i'll do it tomorrow. but i did already write it...
492 - Douglas Mays
Way mass cool. I'll keep an eye out...
xo
DM
493 - maggie mae
well, it might be a day late, but here it is:
The human mind is an interesting thing. We naturally crave things that make us happy, and when we find these things we want more. The weird thing is that the things that make us feel the happiest also hurt us the most. Also, they are artificially produced. Drugs, alchohol - it's all man-made. And sold for profit. And people who just want to be happy spend their money on these products.
We're even taught that these substances affect our brains, and cause us to need more of the same thing to get the same happy feeling. Despite this knowledge, we become curious, and reach out for anything we can get that will make us feel happier. We're also compelled to do this searching by the natural tendencies we have to rebel. Because all of our lives, we as human beings are taught to obey rules. These teachings are what lead us, in later years, to question what we are told.
The natural rebel in all of us comes out at some point, and it completely disregards any and all knowledge we might have, unless the rebel in us is benefited.
This leads us to try things that we normally wouldn't, such as drugs and alchohol. Some people, after trying these things, are able to see themselves more clearly, and force away the rebel. Others, however, fall victim to the rebel's ploys, and continue to want more. The more that they use of these substances, the more that they need to be just as happy.
What the human mind doesn't consider, once it has tried these things, and even sometimes before, is that there are ways to be happy without the help of man-made substances. Things that come naturally - beauty (both inside and out), adventure, excitement - can all be made or found by themselves. made by emotions, not by machines.
and there is my (sad) attempt at combining my (miniscule) knowledge of the human mind and my (supposed) writing skill.
and to prove that my knowledge of the human mind is very small, i'd like to point out something that i didn't realize while writing this, but did while typing it.
love - the emotion that can make us the happiest, can also hurt the most. love can fill our hearts, it can make us smile and laugh when nothing is there, and it can make us change our view of the world. but there's a downside of love. the cons are just as strong in quality as the pros. love can fill a heart, but it can also empty it. it can make a heart so empty, so void, it can't even go back to the way it was before the love was there. it cam make us smile and laugh when nothing is there, but it can also make us cry and mope when nothing is there. the emptiness that can be left by the removal of love causes us so much sadness, that we can't control it - even when things do seem happy. the presence of love can change our view on the world, drastically. anybody can tell that. but the absence of love? it can change a person's view of life even more drastically. what was once natural, and then became vivid and bright, becomes pale and dark with the absence of love. the world can become an abyss, and while there is a way out, it isn't pleasant at all. although (as a person who as lost love may reason), living without the love you once had is the most unpleasant thing at all, and anything would be better than that...
again - i'm not claiming to be a proffessional in the least, this is just a few of the things i think about occasionally...
494 - Douglas Mays
Very good. Your mind seems to be evolving well. Keep on! You will really surprise yourself (and everyone else) as time goes on.
Self medicating. Love. And you know, it is all about love. Doncha think?
Then the answer gets really involved....
you have a hell of a talent on your hands. Observations of life and the ability to write about it.
wow,
DM
495 - maggie mae
so what's happening in everyone else's lives?
doug? how's the wife? it's been a while since you shared about that..
nikki, josie? are you guys still here at all?
does anyone else wish to contribute to our little conversation? it's an open invitation to an open thread!
496 - Douglas Mays
The wife business? that is OK, yet complicated. She sometimes shines then sometimes reacts to her situation in not good ways. She is trying really hard, but becomes confused.
I am thinking it is about time to write an article about this issue that effects many woman of this country. Your comment #493 is a very good observation that would tie into this whole point of view. The trigger of her problem can be explained in the blog entitled 'women, feminists, radical women' on the www.myspace.com/x15 site. Check it out. Some self-appointed 'friend' from her life from long ago that has invaded our lives has created some very serious problems. Read the 'Sociopath Next Door' article here on Blog Critics to get more of a taste.
Ugh! I am a 'man down' this weekend. Last week the doctor started me on some medicine for cholestoral control. BAD side effects that got me. Had to go right back to the doc and get STAT blood tests and all. So, you know, I'm in the process of titrating the stuff out of me. My cholestoral isn't that bad, but hey, I'm into preventitive medicine. Catch it early before you get a surprise when older....
I also have to rewrite an article I was working on about Seattle's new MLS Soccer franchise. The whole point of view of the article changed as the fanbase got their way in the naming of the team. Sounders FC will join the league in 2009. I am part of that fanbase fighting for the name. Drew Carey is one of the team's owners.
OK, Maggie Mae, that is me. A fighter against the oppression of women (and self-oppression), soccer nut (I have 43 years of high level playing experience), Music business (I have a new artist you might be hearing about) AND untangling the stuggles of the human mind. Overall, I am one of those advocate people. Comment #476 gives my ideals on human knowledge.
Ah geez, let me hibernate for a bit. Wife is out doing chores right now and will be back in a bit. Things are getting better for her. this is the hugest, most complex political/social/mind struggles I have ever tackled in my life. Or anyone. I have been able to make the law, psychiatric, medical fields look at the reality of things that just fly right under their radar. And change their understanding.
Hey, you know, this thread is getting close to 500 comments! 'an open invitation to an open thread'. You rock, Maggie!!!!!! Let's keep this one alive. It should win an award someday. We could all be on Oprah. Eric and Phil would love that!
Full on!
DM
497 - josie
hey all. sorry ive not been for a while, been busy with uni, and family members are ill, so yeah. just to let you know im still around
much love xx
498 - maggie mae
great to hear from you both!
doug, glad to hear that things are getting better. however, i do have to say that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. if you don't have really bad cholesterol, then you don't really need medicine. especially if the side effects are much worse than the benefits..
josie, so sorry to hear about your family. i hope that whoever it gets well soon.
well, i don't have much to say, but i'll probably have an update in a few days...
until next time,
~maggie mae
499 - Douglas Mays
Josie, Maggie,
Glad you are keeping up!!!
yeah, things seem to be going towards the right direction of karma as we guide our bodies and souls. what a plodding journey that all is....
Yeah, wife (the subplot of this blog) hopefully is figuring this out. sometimes genius, sometimes drailed. But, as a pact, we have aways said that 'those who mess with us are DOOMED'.
But it is incredible how inept the legal, medical, etc. world can be. And, let this be a lesson people: so often you bump into so called professionals who will lay the "I have a phd in..." and think they are so smart. Some expert. remember, that is knowledge based on no accountability, no understanding.
Anyway, the ineptitude of the current state of justice, medicine, therapy is so centered around an arrogance of book knowledge and very lacking in any concept of human knowledge.
And these assholes are considered experts? No, generally I see these industries run by retards that have read alot of books. That stuff is all good for those with an English or engineering degree, etc. But when it comes to dealing with the process of the human mind, these people are not even close. That is why I got out of the medical field in the 70s. I went into the arts management field. That is where you delve deeper into the mind. www.myspace.com/newsoulenterprises will hook you up with all that.
Anyway, this is comment #499. WHO WILL BE OUR COMMENT #500 WINNER???!!!! RJ sure got one going here by writing a quicky about Self Mutilation. Oprah, Dr. Phil! Pay attention to what is going on in this thread! Phil and Eric could land some good advertising bucks off that!!!!
xo
DM
500 - josie
Happy 500th comment!
well, things for me have been going a bit mad recently. I've sort of managed to stay grounded, but there's times i just want to scream.
I think i know what you mean about the supposed professionals now doug. I just felt the whole time I was talking to them, they were trying to put me into a box. I just wanted to shout "Hey, I'm a person, an individual. Treat me like one!"
Antoher amazing thing about this blog ( as well as the number of comments) is how far and wide it has reached. I mean, I'm on virtually the other side of the world to you guys, the world where we have football, and prime ministers, and you folks have soccer and presidents. It really says something, like a big wierd thing we all stumbled into here.
Anyway, hope you are all well.
Jxx
501 - Douglas Mays
JOSIE!!!! Our 500th comment winner! I dunno what the prize is. Maybe a coupon to Starbucks or something...
But, going mad???? yeah, what to do? Screaming can be good (just don't get arrested). Or putting on the headphones loud and playing 'RocknRoll" by Led Zeppelin. Or "Store Bought Bones" by the Raconteurs.
Anywy, you understand what I am saying. The process of the psychiatric/therapy world is to use generic labeling (don't you just love being thrown into that stigma box?) and getting generic therapy?
The human mind is very individual. the concept of 'generic' is not an operative term. It takes a lot of destructuring to find the culprit. Well, sometimes the problem is very obvious, but denial and covert abuse by the culprit influences the therapy.
I've said it before, but like the WHO said in Quadraphenia: "Can't you see the real me, doctor? doctor?"
Yes, this is one amazing blog. We could probably pull another 500 comments and meet new people needing someone to see the real them.
You rock!
xo
DM
502 - Douglas Mays
btw, NIKKI!!!!!!! how ya doing?
much love from us all.....
503 - Douglas Mays
JOSIE!!!! How u be??? What is life like in the 'stigma cage' for you?
Yeah, goddamn therapists. With all the arrogance of their education and inability to apply it.
The problem is that you got these therapists that look at you from the book and work from the outside-in. Your good therapists look at you from the inside-out.
See the problem? You get these therapists taking what they learned and trying to find a way to fit you into their knowledge. If a therapist actually started from inside of you the result is reaching out and seeing where you fall in the therapy knowledge world.
Don't let the therapy control you. From the inside-out, things flow much better.
xo
positivity,
DM
504 - josie
hey doug.
Tonight has been fucking hell. I think I am an idiot.
I want a hug :(
505 - Douglas Mays
JOSIE!!!!!!!
F-ing hell??? Fill me in! How can this web of tangled coathangers of the mind be unwound??
You think you are and idiot? Oh man, a subjective statement. Or, maybe can apply to a single event which has spread it's idiocy to other situations?
OK, here is the biggest, massive hug for you, baby! HUG!!!!!!! XOXOXOXO!!!!
hhhmmm... I'll keep an eye out for ya. time to figure this one out....
hugs (massive),
DM
506 - josie
Hey doug. I'd had a really shit week, and had topped it off with an argument with this guy. It's a bit complicated, we've been sleeping together for a while, but we're not seeing eachother or anything, we're just mates, and i think the situation was all a bit messy. meh. Note to self: must not sleep with mates in the hope they will like me! But yeah, I'm feeling a lot calmer about it all now. Just looking forward to leaving uni and getting on with real life.
I stopped with the whole therapy thing. I was only doing it because he (the guy) thought it was a good idea. I don't. I reckon I just need to get over things, and not actually dwell on them.
Hows things with you? Nikki? Maggie?
507 - Douglas Mays
Josie! Oh my....the heart and emotion thing. Yeah, can get messy because so many things get thrown into the mix. You know, the problem may not be with you guys directly, but with stuff that is 'out there'.
Opinion (no accountability, no understanding) vs. empathy (suspending ego and living through another's eyes). Ugh! then everyone starts saying "well, what about me!!!????"
Yeah, that sleeping with somone in hopes of getting acceptance and love and all....LOOK OUT FOR THAT!!!!! You usually end up getting nothing and feeling like you raped yourself.
Yeah, getting over things. Very good. It takes a lot of the brain analyzing situations of your life. To really get over things you can look at it as 'evolving'. Once you evolve, such situations become a piece of cake. Important not to react blindly. Reactions should be methodical and well thought out.
evolve, baby!!
xo
DM
508 - josie
hey doug. yeah, i think ive learnt my lesson from that one. meh. i dunno. why arent things ever just simple?!
I'm doing a lot better for a bit i think. i tend to have happy periods and sad ones. i think im in an ok place now. What annoys me is when im happy, i dont feel i need to work things out, but when im sad, i dont want to, cos i dont see the point. meh.
Hows things with you? I always feel a bit guilty for you, as we girls seem ro be constantly needing you. Rant a bit more!
Maggie, nikki, seriously?! where are you folks! I feel like im monopolising doug her!
509 - Douglas Mays
Josie!! Feeling guilty as you gals seem to be constantly needing me? Need me!!! You know, that is the sweetest thing I have heard directed towards me in a while.
Rant on! I love it!!! Monopolize me!!!
Yeah, I will bleed a bit. Life is OK here. A new music artist I am developing is really kicking ass. We have an awesome sound coming together. And industry interest. Could pay off. I'll let you know in a years time.
Then, life is a bitch. You have read the trials and tribulations of my 'wifey' situation. Yeah, things are moving along in a positive direction, sometimes. Sometimes all together, sometimes derailed. It is exhausting protecting her ass from herself.
When she is on, she is genius. When she is derailed by her mind and sick in the head pieces of criminal shit in her life, uh, let me say it is really a hassle.
Degregation and humiliation. For me, by her. And her, jumping through the hoops of very sick and criminally dangerous people in her life saying "I am your best friend". Geez, I go through that one with the gal. The covert abuse I suffer, it is amazing I am still standing. But hey, I am a hardcore Scorpio. Regeneration. And stinging surprises.
Then, as the love connection goes, she is amazing. When she is allowed to 'be' the real person she can be, amazing person. The statements and rants I make above are part my exprience in the medical world and the world of managing artists, then became stamped solid as my observation in the form of empathy with wife has been a hell of an education. WOW, she is honestly a world -class level poster child of a form of abuse that has finally been identified. See that 'best friend' statement above. I will explain by writing an article when I can legally disclose.
OK,check this out. The other week sifey said to me that she was afraid I was going to hurt her. "WHAT???!!!" I am the most anti-any form of violence against women there is!!!!!! I HATE oppression of women and fight against it!
But she put it in perspective. If her troubles continue without resolve, I might leave her. That is the 'hurting her' she is talking about. Not physical violence. Interesting. And she couldn't really blame me. Most sane people would have walked away from her years ago ifin a romantic relationship. The covert abuse I suffer is deep...
But her sufferage and story is amazing. How can I just abandon someone who is suffering?
Thank you, Josie. Let's keep trying to conjure up Nikki and Maggie.
xoxo
DM
510 - Douglas Mays
Josie, Josie, Josie!!!!
Let me address something you said. "i don't feel I need to work things out" the "i don't want to, cos i don't see the point"
Oh, so brilliant. I love it went a very valid emotion is painted so clear.
It is like there is no comfort zone in life or something. Like wifey for instance, the comfort zone is abuse(from family and so-called best friend).
Well, glad you have found a fairly comfortable emotional landing station for now. The trick is being comfortable no matter where you go.
OK, I will get down with the 'how to do...' part in future discussions. Let me scramble for the moment. Got to go create some comfort right now.
back atcha,
xo
DM
511 - Douglas Mays
Josie? Maggie Mae? Nikki????
How are you guys hangin' in there? I'm missing being 'monopolized' LOL... Well, I do have authentic concern, you know. Angels of strength, health, success always being sent your way from this local....
On this end there is a change in the air. For the better. Had to go thru some intense 'protecting her ass' (see#509). But, at the same time the 'let her be' theory is working very well. I am placing bets that the genius part of the gal I married will be in the light.
The 'dragon' is slaying itself. That karma thing seems to work.
hugz, love, all that shit....in a good way. Updates please. Keep in touch, you guys!!!!
xo,
DM
512 - Douglas Mays
UPDATE: epiphany for wifey. OK gals, there is that one person who really gets to monopolize me. Well, she is my masters degree in the understanding of the mind. University of wifey. Therefore I pass my understanding on to you. Well, I never would have passed that course if not for everything else I have experienced and learned in life...
OK. The battle of the evils that have invaded and brainwashed her mind. The attack of the sociopathic/pathological people in her life therefore leading to difficult features of side effects. Said differently, Family/so called 'best frined' leading to reactive behaviour.
Anyway, the very truth is that in the 8 years we have been together, I have been able to keep the wonderful wifey from her reactive behaviour for a total of 4 years. I am a great statistician. A very true number.
Yet the evils that invade her life trying to keep her from reative behaviour with all the things I rail against in my comments above (poor psychiatric/therapy, medical analysis) have not gotten 1 minute of non-reative behaviour from her.
Anyway, the whole deal is for her to change her reaction into positve action. That is not possible when the human evils, which are the catalyst to her reactive side effects, are there telling her what to do. Evils? Look out! A change is coming in the form of Karma.
Oh boy, to make sense of this blather, I should just submit my thesis of my masters degree from UW (University of Wifey) to BlogCritics. Oh man, we could have another 500 comment article!
Another story is that I mentioned a client of mine (I do that music business thing), the rapper, in some of the above comments. That is an amazing story. Geez, talk about being able to take a damaged mind and turn it completely around! I should bill Medicare for that one! Well, you can hear that thesis upon his music which will be released in the not so far future. www.myspace.com/s2bg will get you to that story. The page will come together better as time goes on, but at least you will get a taste for now.
Geez, JOSIE, NIKKI, MAGGIE MAE!!!!!!!!!!! Check in soon! How are you all doing????!!!! I need a status report!!!!
I have left 4 comments in a row without any monopolization!!!!!
xo,
best,
DM
513 - Douglas Mays
JOSIE, NIKKI, MAGGIE MAE!!!!!!! I am trying to conjure you guys up. How the hell are you gals doing?
OK, I have been monopolizing myself a bit lately. Well, domestic life is quite monopolizing. Geez...this is the most twisted emotion i have experienced. Complex, evolved love glued by empathy....
So, dammit! Check on into this site gals!!!! I have been the only one leaving comments! Let me know what is up....I am not going to abandon cool women who are suffering.
Well, maybe things are on a better track for you all. If so, GOOD!!!! If not, lets chat...
xo
DM
514 - jess~storm
cutting is a personal prefrance if u wish to mutilate your body then do so but do not feel as if any one should feel sorry for you but cut as u will peirce as you will and ink it up i have 39 peircings and 72 tattoos and i do not care i like the pain now on the other hand for any one who dissagrees with me about the whole body enhancement ceromonies such as peirceings and tattoos theses are a form of primative art that will never go away but cutters mostly cut either to releive stress and or emotional ditress or just to whine and get attention
now i know that some of the words are misspelled but im only human so dont bash me about it
515 - Douglas Mays
jess, hhhmmm... that whole fine line between cutting to relieve personal pain/dilemma and style points.
DM
516 - josie
"whine or get attention". I do wonder if was doing it for attention why i spend hours clothes shopping for things that will cover scars.
And preference? do you seriously think i choose this? if i could get rid my my bipolar i would, but its not exactly a choice.
Hi doug, sorry for lack of contact recently. Will write when not crashing x
517 - Douglas Mays
Josie,
yeah, sorry I have been out of it. the degragation, humiliation, deception, etc. of care for the damaged (you know who/what I am talking about) becomes too much. Only so much one can take. time to walk away? perhaps.
So, while feeling like shit, my drummer gave me a booster shot. It was a good friend of ours 50th Birthday party last night. A good friend of grunge fame. All the names were there from G&R, Soundgarden, AIC, etc. People we helped boost to their fame. WOW! It was almost like a second coming of the Seattle scene.
Damn! I did not attend (too blown out by circumstances). Little did I know how cool it was going to be. But there is a bar-b-q today, might have to hit that. Things that get one back on the road to self.
Anyway, back to life....
hope to hear from you soon.
xo
DM
518 - josie
Hey doug, did you make the BBQ? sorry I've been a bit out of it recently, lithium does mad things to me!
Any word from the girls? Hope you're doing better. I'm floating between y'know? drinking, drugging, not being in my head. Its all a bit messy
Jxx
519 - Douglas Mays
Josie. Naw, didn't make the bbq. That is alright. I was busy dealing with my new artist. You'll get to hear it sometime.
Where are the rest of the gang? Nikki, Maggie Mae...
Not being in your head? My oh my. But very understandable.
xo
DM
520 - Douglas Mays
Josie,
you know, on my end the time has finally come to decompress and have a chance to see straight. The wife person has gone away to heal for a month or two. With a group of strictly women!! Very good. Very necessary for her to be free to speak truth.
I was in a situation where the oppressive damage done to wife, she did to me. Incredible, the covert abuse I suffered was directly what she suffered. Talk about the concept of living the world thru another's eyes!!!
Point being: shit rolls downhill. Time has come to clean up the shit. I hope she can. I sure will. Too much great stuff happening on my end to be stepping in shit.
My music partner (producer) will be performing a couple of our songs with guys from Heart, Bad Company, Yes, etc... at this really cool club in Seattle. WOW!!! Good things pop up!
Gravitate positivity with a good plan, baby!!! That is my message for ya today, on 8-8-08.
xoxo
DM
521 - Minister Helena Garilano
Cutting oneself is demonic. There is help on my website. Start with the Baisc Deliverance Article.
522 - Douglas Mays
Minister,
cutting is merely a symptom. the cause of it must be dealt with. has nothing to do with the demonics, unless you define demonics in terms of a sick sad world and society and personality. Demonics = sick assholes.
Well, I could use the term EVIL as a connective thought. Our cutters above probably have stories about people attacking them in evil ways. psychologically, physically, etc.
Anyway, leave the god thing out of the picture...
DM
523 - Douglas Mays
JOSIE!!!!!!!
Where are you????? Well, refer to #517. "time to walk away?" Yes. For sake of protecting myself. The girl is a dangerous mess. She reacts to life and I end up being the whipping post for all her damage from her existance in other people's worlds. Reverse empathy?
I'll still be her advocate should she try to take action on her own. I have given her enuf knowledge and insight to herself and issues. But, when love fractures... what can you do.
Point being, MONOPOLIZE ME!!!! Oh yeah, I have some rock n roll to focus on. I am a musician AND management now. Geez, my thing is management/production, but the band noticed I play guitar and write really good also. And major folks in the industry are interested in the band. So, what the hell....It is good stuff.
SSSSSOOOOOOO....Josie. Keep up and check into this blogsite. I know thngs are twisted, but those damn wire coat hangers of life all tangled up can be unraveled.
btw, heard fom Maggie or Nikki latley?
xo
hugz,
DM
524 - maggie mae
hey guys!! sorry that it's been so long... but i have updates!!!
after about 5 and a half months, the thing with my friend has seemed to sort itself out (with help form the right medicine) and we talked again for the first time on monday. he tacklehugged me. it made me happy.. lol.
so, i think that that's good. ha. but he's a horrible influence on me.. and i find it funny.. lol. the only times i have smoked have been with him, and that's only twice, one of which was yesterday.. being high is a very interesting feeling.. =]
i'll be back soon to update more... give me your opinions?
and how are you guys doing? josie, doug? and is nikki anywhere to be found?
525 - Douglas Mays
Maggie Mae!!!!! Rock on!!!!!
horrible influence.... you say a lot in that paragraph I can relate to actually. My stwisted story is a complex version of that. But the reverse is true also. I have been a good influence on her. And my adventure have been a mind evolving experience.
Let time go on to let the recipe cook. the results could be yummy. Just not going to add anything to the kettle right now...
Good to hear from ya, Maggie!!!
xo
DM