So, recognizing the truth of this enables Scott and I to have conversations, as fellow humans, about what the journey looks like from our respective paths. We can admit to each other that we are lonely sometimes without feeling like we are making a derogatory comment about our marriage. We can be frightened, or sad or grieving and allow each other that without feeling we have failed by not protecting each other from that experience. Being married doesn't mean that you can protect each other from life on its most rawly human level.
4. Respect each other's process. Not everyone copes with everything the same way you do. We all are impacted by life in different ways. What your partner does is not a reflection of you or on you. Here are a couple examples: I used to work in the same hospital with my husband though we never saw each other during the day. When work was over, I'd meet him at his office and we'd walk to the car together. Sort of. While I was wanting to walk with him and hear about his day, he would be racing 10 feet ahead of me. At first I took that personally (let's give it up for Don Miguel Ruiz!), but then I got my own ego out of the way and remembered that this man is running all day long all over the hospital while I was in one small suite. You can't just slam on the brakes! So, I allowed him that space to come down from his day and usually by the time we reached the car I had caught up with him and by the time we got home we were in sync. Had I made his process about ME, I would have been cranky, needy, demanding or some other version of annoying and then he'd have to fix me after a full day of work. That would just be creepy, and totally unnecessary.
On a few RARE occasions, I have seen my supremely kind and charming husband nearly pick a fight with beloved friends. I remember the first time this happened and I was mortified...he was debating on some taboo subject (you know, politics or religion) with a really mild-mannered 75 year old friend of ours. Now, I've been on the opposite side of Debate Boy a time or two myself and I have to say, it's intense! As a spouse, I felt apologetic...and wanted to distance myself from the situation. Again, my ego got in the way and part of me was concerned about the reflection of this on me. But then, I got a grip and realized that this man had been involved in a huge string of school conferences which were extremely contentious and he had to be the peacekeeper. So, of course, he had all this pressure built up that was about to make him explode. He needed a good old fashioned argument to decompress! So, once I got it, I laughed, let him go since our friend actually was keeping pace just fine. Even if our friend WAS offended in some way, which he wasn't in the least, it would have been between the friend and Scott to work it out. It wasn't about me. Narcissism is just never good for a marriage.
Article comments
1 - Lisa
You make some great points, Laura. I have trouble remembering Number Three because I tend to internalize every emotion my partner has. If he's upset or angry, I automatically assume it's something I did, even if I logically know he had a tough day at work or something else that had nothing to do with me. My head needs to get in sync with my emotions and stop assuming that everything is about me. That's tough for me to do.
Despite common consensus, I do believe that couples can be together without fighting. My first marriage was a virtual argument buffet but I'm happy to say that fights are rare within my current relationship. Is it that we are older and more mature? More willing to set our egos aside? Less willing to submit to knee-jerk reactions? I have no idea, I just know that it's working and I'm grateful.
So, I'm with you on this. It is possible to be in a long term relationship without a bunch of fighting.
2 - carmine
I have some practical questions:
1. Does either of you make significantly more money than the other?
2. Did you sign a pre-nuptual agreement?
3. Are there any children involved?
4. Are you strongly religious in the same religion?
Good people, which clearly you and your husband are, still can be harmed by the legal incentives state marriage create to do each other harm. Same $, good pre-nup, no kids and some sort of strong shared religion increase odds of success. Dramatic differences in income all but assure failure. Good Luck. I do love my wife too, and I have two kids from two different marriages, but I see the horror all around and do not believe it to be simply a matter of the couple being good people.
3 - Laura Young
Hi Carmine,
I'll give you a 2 part answer.
In my first marriage, my husband made significantly more money than me. He had 2 children, I had none. No pre-nup and neither strongly religious. When I chose to leave that marriage, all I had was my dog, my wardrobe, a dresser salvaged from a student dumpster and a gasoline credit card with which I purchased whatever food I could from the gas stations until my husband cancelled the card (without informing me) because I was spending too much at the gas station. I never got a dime from him or any assistance of any kind.
In this marriage, our earnings are more equitable. Due to a whole host of fertility issues we did not have children. No prenup. Not actively religious and don't subscribe to any dogma although we are both spiritually oriented.
I agree that it isn't just people being "good people" that makes a marriage work. You've got me intrigued by your comment on income differentials. It sounds like you feel the cards are stacked against couples with children, especially if one stays at home to raise them and doesn't bring in cash as a result. Looking at my first and second marriage as I laid them out here, I seem to be providing more evidence for your hypothesis although I have to say that it was an issue of communication, respect and the way we engaged each other. In fact, my suspicion is that my first marriage would have gotten worse with me making more, or equal money. I wonder it there are more thoughts on that from readers.
I have also seen couples where there were no kids and both were working and they just drifted apart because they were so used to being self-sufficient and independent that they never really defined what the marriage relationship really was about. I think in couples that had intended to have kids but couldn't this could be a risk. It's not just about being good, as you say, but it is about consciously engaging in the relationship and coming to mutual understanding of what constitutes a healthy relationship for you both.
Thanks for your thought provoking comment!
4 - Laura Young
Thanks, Ameet, and congratulations on your new marriage!
I can tell you, honestly, that even 13 years in (which may or may not sound like much) my marriage to my husband just gets richer every year. It's an amazing thing, to be in a relationship where both come consciously together, willing to be mutual partners while retaining a healthy sense of individuality.
I have several posts on relationships at my blog, as well, if you want to read more on the topic.
In fact, there is a whole big line of discussion on the topic of unconditional love unfolding now. I like those deep waters!
Best,
Laura
5 - Alpesh
You need to take lots of care to keep your marriage alive and life healthy. Here is very interesting incident happened to me.
6 - D DaSilva
I have been in a marriage where trust was virtually non-existent, as seen by my comments at the website...I will never know if I made the right choice to get divorced and leaving the kids. I will always think about this
7 - Ruzanna
there is no secret absolutely: you just need to find the right person to get married with.