This whole evolution thing is one that I have really come to appreciate in the
last 5 years. When I changed my career I put myself on a path that accelerated
my own personal evolution beyond anything I had ever experienced. And it scared me silly. I was one of those folks who feared growing apart from my husband. I didn't know how he would deal with my changing. In my first marriage my husband was overtly resistant to my growth and change, a predominant factor leading to our divorce. In fact, I have heard MANY stories of similar situations in other marriages...including threats of divorce when one or the other spouse showed signs of becoming too strong or too successful. The reality for me now is that my husband is incredibly secure and confident and master of his own ship. And he expects me to be master of mine. He didn't marry a deck hand. Not only does he accept, but he nearly insists that I run my ship through all kinds of uncharted waters and assumes my journey will change me in a myriad of ways. We both know where the harbor is but neither of us wants the other to spend life docked in stagnant water.
3. Your partner is capable of experiencing an entire array of emotions, many of which will have nothing to do with you. Not every emotion is a reflection of you or is something you have to fix. This is a biggie for women especially, but I see it in men as well. Your spouse is angry about work, you have to make them happy. Your partner is sad, you feel inadequate because you were sure you were the source of eternal happiness for them. You're partner doesn't like their career, you stay in one that you hate, too, until they get settled in something they enjoy.
One of the things I appreciate the most about my husband, and myself within this marriage, is that we really do understand that we have our own paths. We have both spent many years in the medical field and we are, by nature, participants in life, so we have seen many heartbreaking things. My husband works with disabled children, I worked with adults. When you agree to be present to life, fully present, you expose yourself to great pain and grief as well as joy. Seeing many people die over the years and being with people through dark days in their lives has brought home to each of us that, in the end, it is your own story you are writing. Love each other all you want, but all you really KNOW is that you will be there when you die. And maybe that's all. So, there is a fundamental loneliness to life, existentially speaking. Everyone you know today can be gone tomorrow. Look, we've all seen that happen in recent years in this country.
Article comments
1 - Lisa
You make some great points, Laura. I have trouble remembering Number Three because I tend to internalize every emotion my partner has. If he's upset or angry, I automatically assume it's something I did, even if I logically know he had a tough day at work or something else that had nothing to do with me. My head needs to get in sync with my emotions and stop assuming that everything is about me. That's tough for me to do.
Despite common consensus, I do believe that couples can be together without fighting. My first marriage was a virtual argument buffet but I'm happy to say that fights are rare within my current relationship. Is it that we are older and more mature? More willing to set our egos aside? Less willing to submit to knee-jerk reactions? I have no idea, I just know that it's working and I'm grateful.
So, I'm with you on this. It is possible to be in a long term relationship without a bunch of fighting.
2 - carmine
I have some practical questions:
1. Does either of you make significantly more money than the other?
2. Did you sign a pre-nuptual agreement?
3. Are there any children involved?
4. Are you strongly religious in the same religion?
Good people, which clearly you and your husband are, still can be harmed by the legal incentives state marriage create to do each other harm. Same $, good pre-nup, no kids and some sort of strong shared religion increase odds of success. Dramatic differences in income all but assure failure. Good Luck. I do love my wife too, and I have two kids from two different marriages, but I see the horror all around and do not believe it to be simply a matter of the couple being good people.
3 - Laura Young
Hi Carmine,
I'll give you a 2 part answer.
In my first marriage, my husband made significantly more money than me. He had 2 children, I had none. No pre-nup and neither strongly religious. When I chose to leave that marriage, all I had was my dog, my wardrobe, a dresser salvaged from a student dumpster and a gasoline credit card with which I purchased whatever food I could from the gas stations until my husband cancelled the card (without informing me) because I was spending too much at the gas station. I never got a dime from him or any assistance of any kind.
In this marriage, our earnings are more equitable. Due to a whole host of fertility issues we did not have children. No prenup. Not actively religious and don't subscribe to any dogma although we are both spiritually oriented.
I agree that it isn't just people being "good people" that makes a marriage work. You've got me intrigued by your comment on income differentials. It sounds like you feel the cards are stacked against couples with children, especially if one stays at home to raise them and doesn't bring in cash as a result. Looking at my first and second marriage as I laid them out here, I seem to be providing more evidence for your hypothesis although I have to say that it was an issue of communication, respect and the way we engaged each other. In fact, my suspicion is that my first marriage would have gotten worse with me making more, or equal money. I wonder it there are more thoughts on that from readers.
I have also seen couples where there were no kids and both were working and they just drifted apart because they were so used to being self-sufficient and independent that they never really defined what the marriage relationship really was about. I think in couples that had intended to have kids but couldn't this could be a risk. It's not just about being good, as you say, but it is about consciously engaging in the relationship and coming to mutual understanding of what constitutes a healthy relationship for you both.
Thanks for your thought provoking comment!
4 - Laura Young
Thanks, Ameet, and congratulations on your new marriage!
I can tell you, honestly, that even 13 years in (which may or may not sound like much) my marriage to my husband just gets richer every year. It's an amazing thing, to be in a relationship where both come consciously together, willing to be mutual partners while retaining a healthy sense of individuality.
I have several posts on relationships at my blog, as well, if you want to read more on the topic.
In fact, there is a whole big line of discussion on the topic of unconditional love unfolding now. I like those deep waters!
Best,
Laura
5 - Alpesh
You need to take lots of care to keep your marriage alive and life healthy. Here is very interesting incident happened to me.
6 - D DaSilva
I have been in a marriage where trust was virtually non-existent, as seen by my comments at the website...I will never know if I made the right choice to get divorced and leaving the kids. I will always think about this
7 - Ruzanna
there is no secret absolutely: you just need to find the right person to get married with.