1. 'Til death do us part. WOW. Do people even promise that anymore? You can't promise this AND get a pre-nup. I'm sorry if I'm offending everyone out there, but I think entering into a marriage with an exit clause is destructive and dangerous. Nothing you could say will change my mind on this so hang on to those e-mails. The reality is TRUST is critical in a marriage. You can't trust someone AND ask for a dissolution agreement 'just in case'. If you need that, one or both of you is holding back or is seeing something that you should be paying attention to but are trying to ignore. Yes, many people have been horribly hurt and feel they need to protect themselves from future risk as a result. Exactly. You are entering in to a relationship with someone you fundamentally do not trust. If I'm in a partnership with someone that may well see me through illness and death, I want to know they are up for that. I need to know that they are capable of loving me even when it's painful.
Paul Simon says it this way in "Look at That":
Ask somebody to love you takes a lot of nerve.
Ask somebody to love you,
you've got a lot of nerve.
I couldn't agree more. Think about what you are agreeing to when you enter in to a marriage. I didn't the first time. I'm older and wiser now. I get it. So does my husband.
2. You are married to/marrying an individual. A finite individual. An evolving individual. An individual put on this earth to do certain things, learn certain things.
The reality is your partner is going to change. This is simply a fact. And it is a fact that each INDIVIDUAL has to figure out for themselves what this life is going to mean to them and how they want to walk their path. You have to get your ego out of the way and love your partner through their evolution. It is NOT your partner's responsibility to stagnate because you fear change. It is NOT your partner's responsibility to stay locked in a life situation (say, a miserable job) to maintain your status quo.
Once again I have to give it up for Paul Simon, in his most excellent CD, "You're The One":
Nature gives up shapeless shapes
Clouds and waves and flame
But human
expectation
is that love remains the same
And when it doesn't
we
point our fingers
and blame blame blame
Article comments
1 - Lisa
You make some great points, Laura. I have trouble remembering Number Three because I tend to internalize every emotion my partner has. If he's upset or angry, I automatically assume it's something I did, even if I logically know he had a tough day at work or something else that had nothing to do with me. My head needs to get in sync with my emotions and stop assuming that everything is about me. That's tough for me to do.
Despite common consensus, I do believe that couples can be together without fighting. My first marriage was a virtual argument buffet but I'm happy to say that fights are rare within my current relationship. Is it that we are older and more mature? More willing to set our egos aside? Less willing to submit to knee-jerk reactions? I have no idea, I just know that it's working and I'm grateful.
So, I'm with you on this. It is possible to be in a long term relationship without a bunch of fighting.
2 - carmine
I have some practical questions:
1. Does either of you make significantly more money than the other?
2. Did you sign a pre-nuptual agreement?
3. Are there any children involved?
4. Are you strongly religious in the same religion?
Good people, which clearly you and your husband are, still can be harmed by the legal incentives state marriage create to do each other harm. Same $, good pre-nup, no kids and some sort of strong shared religion increase odds of success. Dramatic differences in income all but assure failure. Good Luck. I do love my wife too, and I have two kids from two different marriages, but I see the horror all around and do not believe it to be simply a matter of the couple being good people.
3 - Laura Young
Hi Carmine,
I'll give you a 2 part answer.
In my first marriage, my husband made significantly more money than me. He had 2 children, I had none. No pre-nup and neither strongly religious. When I chose to leave that marriage, all I had was my dog, my wardrobe, a dresser salvaged from a student dumpster and a gasoline credit card with which I purchased whatever food I could from the gas stations until my husband cancelled the card (without informing me) because I was spending too much at the gas station. I never got a dime from him or any assistance of any kind.
In this marriage, our earnings are more equitable. Due to a whole host of fertility issues we did not have children. No prenup. Not actively religious and don't subscribe to any dogma although we are both spiritually oriented.
I agree that it isn't just people being "good people" that makes a marriage work. You've got me intrigued by your comment on income differentials. It sounds like you feel the cards are stacked against couples with children, especially if one stays at home to raise them and doesn't bring in cash as a result. Looking at my first and second marriage as I laid them out here, I seem to be providing more evidence for your hypothesis although I have to say that it was an issue of communication, respect and the way we engaged each other. In fact, my suspicion is that my first marriage would have gotten worse with me making more, or equal money. I wonder it there are more thoughts on that from readers.
I have also seen couples where there were no kids and both were working and they just drifted apart because they were so used to being self-sufficient and independent that they never really defined what the marriage relationship really was about. I think in couples that had intended to have kids but couldn't this could be a risk. It's not just about being good, as you say, but it is about consciously engaging in the relationship and coming to mutual understanding of what constitutes a healthy relationship for you both.
Thanks for your thought provoking comment!
4 - Laura Young
Thanks, Ameet, and congratulations on your new marriage!
I can tell you, honestly, that even 13 years in (which may or may not sound like much) my marriage to my husband just gets richer every year. It's an amazing thing, to be in a relationship where both come consciously together, willing to be mutual partners while retaining a healthy sense of individuality.
I have several posts on relationships at my blog, as well, if you want to read more on the topic.
In fact, there is a whole big line of discussion on the topic of unconditional love unfolding now. I like those deep waters!
Best,
Laura
5 - Alpesh
You need to take lots of care to keep your marriage alive and life healthy. Here is very interesting incident happened to me.
6 - D DaSilva
I have been in a marriage where trust was virtually non-existent, as seen by my comments at the website...I will never know if I made the right choice to get divorced and leaving the kids. I will always think about this
7 - Ruzanna
there is no secret absolutely: you just need to find the right person to get married with.