Secret GOP Convention Plans! - Page 5

Billy Graham returns to introduce "God" (Charlton Heston) — who appears on the gigantic digital Diamond-Vision screen via a live video feed from his hospital bed; surrounded by a fake cloud produced by a fog machine, "He" announces that George W. Bush has been specially chosen to lead the free world toward Armageddon, and then Heston reads from "The Book of Revelations". (Note: while he holds the Bible, hang his matchlock rifle from his IV tube stand; Chas has never been a multi-tasker!)

-Short Break for-

RECORDED MUSIC INTERLUDE (Note: Tell all six Log Cabin Republicans in the far upper deck that there's NO DANCING allowed! Many Southern Baptists are present (approx. 88% of conventioneers)

* "God Bless the USA" - by Lee Greenwood

* "Courtesy of the Red, White, & Blue" - by Toby Keith; accompanied by Diamond Screen display of lyrics "You'll be sorry you messed with the U.S. of A — cuz we'll put a boot in your ass, it's the American way!" — while showing collage of dead Iraqi and Afghanistan civilians that morphs into a 3-D spinning technicolor globe showing Toby aiming pointy cowboy boot at western Europe.

* "Fry a Dixie Chick In Hell" - by Donny & Marie Osmond

(Followed by SHORT BREAK to allow everyone to catch their breaths — and VP Dick Cheney to check his pacemaker.)

MEL GIBSON will be wheeled out spread-eagle and attached (via fake nails) to a gigantic golden Oscar statue. He'll "break" the nails, toss off the bloody crown of thorns, and descend to the podium — where he'll speak on "Hollywood's Lack of Support for Faith-Based Films"

-- Gibson will close with a prayer (in Latin)

(Note: Diamond-Vision disclaimer will read:

"This isn't Latin, folks, and he's not Catholic; he's Pentacostal and is speaking in tongues!"

-- after which MEL GIBSON will introduce...

REV. JERRY FALWELL - who will deliver speech on the evils of the Taliban, Afghanistan, Iran, Saudi Arabia — and the danger posed when governments support fundamentalist religious fanatics. He'll then introduce...

RALPH REED - who will speak on the importance of Bush's ties to American fundamentalist religious fanatics; he'll close with a summary of the billions of dollars that have flowed into private partisan religious coffers thanks to Bush's "Faith-Based Initiatives."

Article Author: Shark

Visit Shark's author page — Shark's Blog