HOMELAND SECURITY DIRECTOR TOM RIDGE gives speech about how much safer America is since George W. Bush took office. Recounts all the actions taken in the 'homeland' for Homeland Security — such as the invasion of Iraq and the winnowing down of important international allies. (NOTE: delete any references to shipping containers, international ports, nuclear plants, trains, subways, and chemical plants — just in case the terrorists hit one of the above between now and November; it's always best to be on the safe side when it comes to asserting safety!) Close with line: "Bush makes America Safe!" to coincide with entire audience holding up "Bush Makes America Safe!" signs.
SECRETARY JOHN ASHCROFT once again warns Americans that a terrorist attack on American soil is imminent, implies possibility of cancelling the upcoming election — but asserts that there's no need to up the "terror alert" color code. He closes with his own song, "The Eagle Flies" — (NOTE: make sure orchestra knows to transpose score up two octaves! Geez, who knew the guy was a castrotti!?)
SECRETARY OF THE INTERIOR GALE NORTON will announce that due to various "weather-related problems", Bush has declared all swing-states "natural disaster areas" and has made available interest-free loans to all citizens in those states — good through November of 04.
Mixed Race Choir sings, "God Bless America" while signing for the deaf.
As yet unidentified "scientist" (to be provided by Exxon/Mobil) will assert that global warming doesn't exist, and that if it does, it's only because there's an imbalance of ozone layers hovering over the Alaskan National Wildlife Refuge. Powerpoint presentation will prove that oil drilling actually reduces ozone problem by balancing the distribution of various non-carcinogenic side products produced by drilling. End with short video of Arab dressed in full bedouin regalia laughing and mockingly pointing at camera while drinking large glass of fresh oil.
Short Funny Musical Skit - starring the once-funny Dennis Miller dressed up as Paul Bunyan; he performs a song, "A Forest Is Healthier When You Cut It Down." (Note: Radio City Music Hall Rockettes will be dancing trees that happily tumble under Bunyan's singing chain-saw. Music accompaniment provided by Ted Nugent, choreography by Secretary of the Interior Gale Norton, with special assistance by ex-Reagan Secretary of Interior James Watt.)
Article comments
1 - Dirtgrain
We're not worthy.
Question: Four Horses of the Apocalypse = Rumsfeld, Rove, Ashcroft and Cheney?
2 - HW Saxton Jr.
Shark, If this wasn't so fuck**g close to the truth I'd be laughing my ass off.
3 - boomcrashbaby
This is brilliant satire. Did I overlook any mention of Farenheit 9/11 or health care, or are they not scheduled for convention discussion? (Shelved like Condolezza??)
4 - Eric Olsen
very funny, clever and elaborate - this is what you do best. Thanks Shark!
5 - Shark
Thanks for the kind words, kids. You know I do it all for you!
Saxton, re. your comment:
I wrote this about 2 weeks ago but I figured I'd better post it, since much of what I wrote was already starting to go from fictional satire to reality nightmare, ie that emergency, hastily thrown-together "Sunday Surprise" terrorist "warning" that gave us vital information that was 2 to 4 years old.
A satirist almost can't keep up with the Bushies. Along with freedom and democracy, they're making satire obsolete.
6 - Shark
UPDATE: As usual, I was correct; the "compassion" night at the Nuremberg spectacle included a greater percentage of minority speakers than are in attendance at the 'rally'.
Watching the idiot box, you'd think the GOP was the NAACP and the LULAC combined.
Feh.
And Zell Miller? Man, that was almost as self-destructive for the GOP as Pat Buchanan's culture war tirade a few years ago.
More Zell! We love slobbering southern inbreeds!