Cut to: VIDEO FEED of Osama Bin Laden from an unknown cave in Pakistan; he praises John Kerry as an American Patriot and declares that he fully supports Kerry; vows death to all Republican males over the age of 12. Ends by singing an Arab version of "Johnny B. Goode".
WILLIAM BENNETT speech on "Loss of Morals in America" — (btw: Vegas odds are 2 to 1 that it will go over the 20 minute time limit)
DICK CHENEY lectures on "Civility in American Politics" (Note: urge networks to use 15 second delay just in case he tells Democrats to 'go fuck yourself'. If that's not possible, have them get in touch with Justene at BLOGCRITICS.org and have her trigger finger surgically attached to the 'delete' button.)
All-Hispanic Choir sings "God Bless America" (in ENGLISH only, goddammit! This is a "One Language Under God" nation!) (Note: make sure the choir returns to their convention center janitorial jobs before lights-out! And don't let them steal their gowns, they're known for that kind of thing!)
RUSH LIMBAUGH gives an update on Bush's success in "The War on Drugs". Also points out that Afghanistan is so safe that he'll volunteer to go there to do inventory of current poppy crop. (Note: He's scheduled so early because he has to return to rehab by 9:00 p.m.)
LAURA INGRAHAM, author of "Shut Up and Sing" gives speech on the evil, unfair influence and advantage of Hollywood liberals in the American political process.
LAURA INGRAHAM then introduces Republican Governor Arnold Schwartzenegger... of Hollywood.
The "GOVERNATOR" gives speech entitled, "Republican Inclusiveness and the Role of Women in the GOP" (Editing Note: please have him change "grope and fondle" to "reach out to...") (Note to Convention Security: Keep him away from the Bush twins!)
NEWT GINGRICH gives speech entitled "Maintaining the Sacred Sanctity of Marriage" (Note: can we find alternative seating for his fourth wife somewhere off-stage?)
All-Asian Choir sings, "God Bless America" while bowing and kowtowing in time to the music.
FILM PRESENTATION: show 5 minute clip of George W. Bush landing on USS Lincoln in flight suit. (Note: please digitally remove the "Mission Accomplished" banner in the background.) Add collage of "Dead or Alive" speech, and "Bring 'em on!" remarks. (Note: do we have rights secured for Morricone soundtrack to "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly" yet? If problem, try for "High Noon" or "Star Wars Theme" — John Williams? On our side, or just another fag Hollywood composer?)
Article comments
1 - Dirtgrain
We're not worthy.
Question: Four Horses of the Apocalypse = Rumsfeld, Rove, Ashcroft and Cheney?
2 - HW Saxton Jr.
Shark, If this wasn't so fuck**g close to the truth I'd be laughing my ass off.
3 - boomcrashbaby
This is brilliant satire. Did I overlook any mention of Farenheit 9/11 or health care, or are they not scheduled for convention discussion? (Shelved like Condolezza??)
4 - Eric Olsen
very funny, clever and elaborate - this is what you do best. Thanks Shark!
5 - Shark
Thanks for the kind words, kids. You know I do it all for you!
Saxton, re. your comment:
I wrote this about 2 weeks ago but I figured I'd better post it, since much of what I wrote was already starting to go from fictional satire to reality nightmare, ie that emergency, hastily thrown-together "Sunday Surprise" terrorist "warning" that gave us vital information that was 2 to 4 years old.
A satirist almost can't keep up with the Bushies. Along with freedom and democracy, they're making satire obsolete.
6 - Shark
UPDATE: As usual, I was correct; the "compassion" night at the Nuremberg spectacle included a greater percentage of minority speakers than are in attendance at the 'rally'.
Watching the idiot box, you'd think the GOP was the NAACP and the LULAC combined.
Feh.
And Zell Miller? Man, that was almost as self-destructive for the GOP as Pat Buchanan's culture war tirade a few years ago.
More Zell! We love slobbering southern inbreeds!