Thanks to a few well-placed bribes (aka "Lobbying efforts"), inside informants, and some stealth volunteer work by yours truly, I've been able to get my hands on the highly secret overall plan for the upcoming GOP Convention. It's a remarkable document that shows the minute-by-minute scheduling of what promises to be one of the greatest parties since Albert Speer lit up the sky that night in Nuremberg.
There is nothing particularly controversial about the things in this secret document, but one thing it makes explicit: the Bush people might not know how to plan an occupation of a conquered nation in the Middle East, but they sure know how to plan a big bash.
GOP CONVENTION SCHEDULE
(FOR YOUR EYES ONLY! Destroy after use! If asked about contents,
pull the old "national security" bit like we did on the 9/11 testimony; hey, it worked!)
NOTE to Madison Square Garden Staff:
* make sure all concessions have changed the following signs:
-- "French Fries" to "Freedom Fries"
-- "Hot Links" to "Liberal Weinies"
-- "Hot Black Coffee" to "Warm Inclusive Drinks of Color"
-- "Men's Restroom" to "Heterosexual Males"
-- "Women's Restroom" to "Supportive Wives and Stay-at-Home-Moms"
BEFORE national TV coverage begins:
* check inventory of flags, size 38 thru 60, required for all speakers to wrap themselves in;
* pass out "no-bid" Iraq contract applications to all attendees who are rich business owners, ie. all of them;
* announce that "inclusive" GOP look will include many pesky minorities who have been given front row seating in sight-line of TV cameras only for the duration of national network coverage — and will be moved to appropriate spots in back of auditorium before and after said coverage begins; apologize for the inconvenience;
* announce that any donors of $100,000 or more will be given special tour of backstage cages to pet, feed, and visit with Pat Robertson, Pat Buchanan, and Tom Delay. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT allow them out of their cages during TV coverage! You all know what can happen when Buchanan speaks!?)
Opening Prayer - by Reverend Billy Graham
All-Black choir sings "God Bless America"
COLIN POWELL's Powerpoint presentation proving Democrats have weapons of mass destruction hidden in their headquarters. He ends on slide showing New Axis of Evil, which lists Iran, North Korea, and the "blue states".