Scientology has been the underlying cause of all Cruise's past failed relationships, including his brief marriage to Mimi Rogers, ten-year marriage to Nicole Kidman and two plus-year relationship with Penelope Cruz – all of whom refused to be indoctrinated into the "religion." Most bizarre is his current union with Katie Holmes, which was fraught with controversy before they were ever an item, as she disappeared for 13 days, whereabouts unknown, only to re-emerge seemingly brainwashed and newly anointed as a Scientologist.
Suddenly, the former B-lister Holmes, formerly a devout Catholic from Toledo, was now perfect for Tom Cruise and they began their public courtship, including his infamous "couch-hopping" incident on Oprah.
It seems this change of religious heart by Holmes was just what the L. Ron ordered, as Cruise has since blessed her with his sacred seed and the Katie-pod gave birth to daughter Suri on April 18, 2006.
We all hold our breaths for the wedding date.
Cruise also can proudly claim that his former practicing-Catholic sisters are all now heavily involved in the Church of Scientology; and in a supreme triumph, their mother was finally browbeaten into seeing the light of Xenu in 2004.
Even if Scientology is the way to fame, success, wealth and freedom from maladies requiring medication, one thing is for certain, the Church of Scientology is definitely the most insecure of all religions.
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - Iloz Zoc
Wow. I am speechless. Maybe I should have chosen sci-fi instead of horror. It's hard to create a religion out of Pinhead and Jason. Hey, wait a minute--I could use Cthulhu! Yippee. I have seen the light.
2 - Mark Saleski
sweet xenu! these people are totally...uh, something.
ah, and i see dawn, you're looking as hot as ever.
3 - Eric Olsen
yes Il, all religions have their implausibilities, but Scientology seems cobbled from the fever dreams of a sci-fi writer. Oh wait, it was.
Nice job Dawn!
4 - Mark Saleski
disclaimer: i've actually read "dianetics".
not proud of it or nothin' tho...
5 - DJRadiohead
Jenna better dial up ol' Xenu a little more often- her career, if you could call it that, is disappearing fast.
6 - Dawn
Yeah Mark, these weekly make-overs are fun, but man, it's tiresome.
Scientology is the most ass-cracked, double-whacked, hardcore-smack nonsense to be concocted by man.
I'd rather be known as a Wiccan or a Satanist for crying out loud.
7 - Mat Brewster
So, wait, you're saying Incident II didn't really happen?
Oh great leader of the galactic confederacy, why must you fool me so?
8 - Dawn
What career DJR? And tell me that having a show that pokes fun of Buddhism isn't the richest of ironies.
9 - Mark Saleski
at least wiccans have cool bumper stickers.
10 - Dawn
And cool fashion accessories!
11 - Mark Saleski
i was gonna say that but then the freaking dj will take my ManCard(tm) away from me again.
12 - Dawn
DJ is a little cranky these days.
Or wait, is it Mark that's cranky? Or maybe it's that Suss fellow?
I can't keep track anymore.
13 - Iloz Zoc
Oh, my god! I just realized Xenu spelled backwards is...Unex...aghhh! I can't breathe...I shouldn't, gasp, have said that...gasp...ughhhh...(sound of body hitting floor, then silence).
14 - DJRadiohead
Don't worry, Saleski, yours is still in a severe state of revocation.
I'm 12% less grouchy this week than last.
15 - Mark Saleski
i'm not cranky anymore, since i've been eclipsed by the dj.
16 - Dave Nalle
yes Il, all religions have their implausibilities, but Scientology seems cobbled from the fever dreams of a sci-fi writer. Oh wait, it was.
Not only that, but it was created on a bet between Hubbard and Heinlein over who could launch the most successful bogus religion.
The scary part of all this is that from all accounts Jenna and Bodhi are the LESS insane members of the giant Elfman clan of loonies.
Dave
17 - Ty
What I find interesting is how much Scientology bashing there is. Sure they deserve it because if you have to spend money to be in the religion and advance in it (that's why you hear of celebs in it, they can afford it!).
Mormons ask for tithe, but don't require it. You definitely don't have to pay a fee to sign up and don't have to fork over hundreds of thousands to be a member.
Here is the funny thing: If Scientology dropped any money requirements WHATSOEVER, would it still be the source of jokes?
I contend it should not be, because then it would be just as legitimate a religion as any other.
I think they SHOULD drop all money requirements so they can make this argument. The fact they do not shows that they are not a religion, just a way to extort HUGE sums of money out of suckers.
18 - Eric Olsen
very interesting points Ty!
And I think the husband looks more like a gnome than an elf
19 - Dawn
Wow Eric, I hadn't even considered what uncanny, but appropriate name Elfman is for a guy like Bodhi. Hehe, nice observation!!
20 - Rebecca
Why are these people so sensitive, when on one hand they claim to be so sure of themselves and know about everything? (Like Tom Cruise claims to know about medications and psychology.)They don't seem to be able to let anything roll off their backs or take a joke.
21 - Arch Conservative
I can't believe they hoodwinked Vinny Bobarino.
22 - Dawn
They seemed to have hoodwinked a few people.
23 - Triniman
I wonder if born and raised Scientologist Beck has had any bizzare outbursts? Or, has he mostly flown beneath the radar?
24 - handyguy
Thank you for this hilarious article, which brightened my afternoon. The best part is that no embellishment was required, just a light varnish of low-key sardonic wit. Terrific stuff!
25 - DrPat
Mark Saleski: "I see Dawn"
Sure that's not the light of Xenu (or Xemu or Zebu or whatever)?
Good one, Dawn! You bring light to darkness...