The following is a narrative taken from a recent meeting of the Maryland Chapter of Spoilerholics Anonymous (SpoilAnon):
Ron Smith: Hello everyone and welcome back to our weekly meeting of Spoilerholics Anonymous, Maryland Chapter. As you know, we here are a part of a growing chorus of burned out, joyless souls who have, for years, errantly believed that knowing everything about anything — books, movies, songs, etc. — before they ever reach market was a good thing.
We now know that we were sadly, tragically mistaken... don't we? [A chorus yes's and head nods from all 16 attendees] Well, tonight we have the opportunity to greet a new member of our enlightened group. He's going to tell us a bit about his journey and his move towards recovery. David? Would you come up to the podium please?
David: Hello, my name is David Flanagan and I'm a Spoilerholic.
Group: Hello David!
David: .... Well, I guess it all started with... ummm... with Star Trek. I loved the show and grew up with it, you know. [Heads nodding] Well, several years back, while The Next Generation was getting ready to end its television run and they were going to launch their first movie, I heard from a friend about this site, you know, where you could get information and read rumors about the upcoming movie. [Looks of sympathy and understanding emanated from the audience]
So I went there, and it was great! All kinds of information, and the rumors they had there.... It was good stuff! But I figured it was all just a bunch of garbage, just guesswork.
Then I went to see "Generations," and some of it was actually true! The part where Data gets the emotion chip, and.... [Chokes back a sob] The death of Captain Kirk! [A few in the audience close their eyes and bow their heads in pain]
[Eyes full of emotion] That's when I was hooked... The power of it.... The ability to actually KNOW what was going to happen before it happened! When "First Contact" came out, I knew all kinds of information about it, and it was largely accurate. That's when I started posting to chat boards, and even tried to start uncovering and posting some new bits of information myself.
But then I began to notice that it just wasn't as much fun as before. I got less of a high from each new rumor and, by the time Star Trek IX hit, you know, when someone scored the first copy of the script, I was beginning to think that I had made a mistake. [More heads nodding] I remember downloading a copy of that stolen script to my desktop.... I was so happy!
Article comments
1 - Aaman
Thanks for the spoilers!
LOL
2 - Shark
Is it true that being a Spoiler leads to stronger stuff?
I've heard that you start out *signing petitions about screenplay changes, and before long, you're strung out writing really limp lame satire for online blogs.
*this has to be the most pathetic thing I've ever heard. I don't know about yall, but I'm now picturing Flanagan as sort of a clone of R. Crumb's brother Charles.
~eeey.
3 - Eric Berlin
Fun piece. I actually thought the focus was going to be on movie trailers, which I have a big problem with: most are now little more than 30-second summaries of the film. After I'm bombarded with the 15-minutes + of commercials that are standard before films start nowadays, I think to myself: well, don't have to see x, y, z now.
There's a flip-side to this, especially in television ads. Many big budget films now run multiple campaigns: one will make a film seem dark, depressing, sensual whereas another will portray the same film as light, funny, slapstick. Huh? It's made me develop an even more acute bullshit-ometer... That commercial claims the movie is a comedy, but I sense it's really one of those dreary tear-jerkers with one or two jokes to lighten the fucker up. Thumbs down!
Am I alone out here, or do I need to find my own support group?
Eric Berlin
Dumpster Bust: Miracles from Mind Trash
4 - David Flanagan
What worries me when I see a movie trailer for a movie is, are they showing the very best part of the film in the ad? That has happened to me several times and I hate that. Sixty seconds of fun and/or adventure, padded by 89 minutes of worthless crap.
Makes you want to stand up in the theatre and shout "I've been had!"
But I don't of course. :-)
David
5 - Shark
So true.
You know the flick is bad when the trailer contains some limp little one-liner or a junior-high level potty joke. You'll always see the 'funniest' moment in the trailer/commercials.
Perfect Examples:
any/all *Will Farrell movie
"ooh, the big tall elf can't get off the escalator! ahaha. Come look! He's doin' the splitz, honey!"
*who, btw, causes the collective IQ of the US to tumble each time he shows his unfunny face on celluloid
Aside: For me, the most bizarre disconnect of the century is represented by "Bad Santa" -- marketed simply as a 'dark comedy' satire/alternative to standard xmas fare -- a movie that was in reality the most obscene, offensive, obnoxious, pornographic, low-brow piece of shit I've ever ejected (way early!) from my DVD player.
You wouldn't have known from the trailers, commercials, -- and worst of all -- from the friggin' REVIEWS -- that this thing was such a sickening piece of scummy garbage.
SIDE NOTE: Billy Bob Thorton and the writers, producers, and everyone who worked on this film should be taken out and horse whipped with sleigh bells.