At the end of the weekend, everyone once again came together, this time for the final presentation. We were invited to express our feelings and thoughts about what we’d experienced. It was the first and only formal group activity. I felt startled when my ex-husband raised his hand to speak. This is a man who had embarrassed me at parties by always retreating to the corner and kept only to himself. He rarely introduced me to people at his work functions, and he had no use for friends. That he had something to say, much less felt the need to say it, was surprising. What he said was shocking.
“I feel angry about all the time and money we’ve spent on marriage counselors when this program has been here all along. The phone number to someone with this program should have been the only thing handed to us at our first marriage counseling session years ago. I can’t believe it’s this easy, and I don’t really mean easy because this was a lot of work. I’m not a ‘feeling’ guy. Until this weekend I didn’t even think I had feelings. I sure had no way of knowing how to say them, much less to her. I have hope and encouragement I’ve never felt, ever. I now realize I love this woman, and I feel loved by her.”
I cried tears of release and relief – the kind of tears you cry and know you’ll never have to cry again because they are tears acknowledging that something has finally, finally been resolved. He held me – something he would never have done before the retreat, and something he had not done in over ten years.
I wasn’t going to speak, especially in light of my tears, but many has been the time when I didn’t say anything nice to him — or about him – even when I wanted to, and I wasn’t going to let the opportunity get away again.
“As it turns out, it wasn’t all his fault. In this respect, the weekend was a profound disappointment.” The room filled with laughter, but I knew it was time to get down to business. “The fortunate thing is that I no longer care about fault. I thought I knew the person I came here with, but now I realize I brought only my own delusions. I will leave here with a very different and much healthier perspective of myself, and I am leaving with a real man – not an illusion.”
Article comments
1 - Teri Centner
Wow.
2 - skeptic
(*Olencia is not her real name. It has been changed to protect her privacy and the privacy of the PR man who invented her.)
3 - Diana Hartman
wow, "skeptic"...try "cynic" instead...you may find it fits a little less tightly around the sore spots...
4 - Marlon
Nothing anyone posts after this should or could change what has happened for this couple.
Here's wishing them
Much love
and
Many happy years
5 - Larry
This program is wonderful! During my first marriage, there was turmoil generated by me having an affair. Although we finally reconciled to stay together and rebuild the marriage, it was a tough road over 2 years. Sadly, my wife passed away a short time after our decision to recommit to the marriage and each other. I wish we had known about Retrouvaille, because I know it would have saved us much anguish and time.
When I remarried, my new wife came without kids and I had 3 girls. After about 2 years together, the turmoil caused by my kids and their inability to make peace with their mother's death and my remarriage had us thinking we had made a mistake despite the numerous signs that we were meant to be together. We heard about Retrouvaille and decided to give it a try. It saved our marriage!
Now, 8 years later, the kids are on their own and new turmoils have invaded our marriage. We decided that we needed a refresher and signed up to attend Retrouvaille again. We are now in the follow up sessions, and have found that our skills from our first Retrouvaille were not dead, just dormant. We are now on the road to recovery again, and this time we have decided that if it worked so well for us, why not get involved and bring it to our area where it currently does not exist. We are working with the Retrouvaille folks, our pastor, deacon, and others in the Parish to make Retrouvaille happen here. (Just before leaving for our latest Retrouvaille weekend, We were at the Parish office speaking with the pastoral assistant who handles Engaged Encounter (and also speaks with couples in trouble), that she had 5 couples she could send along with us! This cemented the idea of bringing this wonderful program here in our hearts and minds so we could share the helping hand that Retrouvaille with our friends and neighbors.
6 - victor
thanks for the post it is very nice read this because we are going this weekend to this progam (october 24 2008)I was very confident before but now I have no words to explain how my felings are after read your story it just give me the energy and hope that I am looking for ,since your case is similar to my from the point of view that my wife is also the one who does not feel love for me and again after this I have no excuse to stop fighting for my marriage even if she does not feel it
Thank you very much
7 - jjc
What a great story! I've heard the Retroveille is good but did think it could help us. Maybe it can. I know my wife wants to go so the next time it is in the area, it will be time to go.
8 - aa
After over a year of extreme marital stress, due in large part to my husband's mid-life crises, I have finally resigned myself to the idea that divorce may be my only respite. This is incredible to me, as we have been married for more than 20 years and I could be considered very Catholic. However, we did sign up for Retrouvaille before I lost hope. Reading this I am afraid to believe it will save our marriage, but I do hope if will lead to forgiveness. Thanks for this interesting story.