As if that weren’t unbelievable enough, we had sex that night. Seriously. The man who wouldn’t and then later claimed he couldn’t all those years, made love to me - and not a wham-bam kind of sex and not the going-through-the-motions kind. The actual sex act itself lasted only about 10 minutes, but a lot went on before that, and after - a lot of good stuff that fondly rumbles through my mind even as I write. I was shocked and completely broadsided by my own feelings about him and my desire for him. I couldn’t believe he started any of it. It was that wink, and then some awkward gestures that, in light of what he’d shared throughout the day, I now saw as sweet rather than repulsive.
This is very important to note because not 24 hours prior, I all but hated the man. Our divorce was amiable because I’d already spent years grieving the loss of love, sex, and our future. We lived for years as roommates, two people in the same house with the same last name. That was the extent of what we had in common, and by the end of it that was fine by both of us.
The program somehow shook that up. He hadn't changed, per se; rather he showed me a side of himself I’d never seen before and never knew. He would later tell me he was showing me things he hadn't even known about himself, so it wasn’t that he had changed - and it wasn’t just him sharing. I found out a lot about myself - and here I thought I’d been through enough counseling and done enough reading, writing, crying, and grieving to know everything about myself. I was wrong.
My biggest complaint in the years after our wedding was that he had quickly changed into a brooding, sexless, and cold steel pillar of a man. I didn’t know why this had happened, and he was resistant to my every attempt to find out what was wrong and fix it. I longed for the man I’d married – who doted on me endlessly and expressed his love for me in many ways, the best of which was a full and satisfying sex life. I never got over the pain of his numerous rejections and I never stopped wondering where things went wrong – until this retreat.
The program called for several follow-up sessions, and we are at the third one this week. The retreat location was closest to my house. He not only traveled for the retreat, he has traveled to attend the follow-ups. We are now discussing the possibility of him moving to this city (he already telecommutes) to spend more time with the kids.
Article comments
1 - Teri Centner
Wow.
2 - skeptic
(*Olencia is not her real name. It has been changed to protect her privacy and the privacy of the PR man who invented her.)
3 - Diana Hartman
wow, "skeptic"...try "cynic" instead...you may find it fits a little less tightly around the sore spots...
4 - Marlon
Nothing anyone posts after this should or could change what has happened for this couple.
Here's wishing them
Much love
and
Many happy years
5 - Larry
This program is wonderful! During my first marriage, there was turmoil generated by me having an affair. Although we finally reconciled to stay together and rebuild the marriage, it was a tough road over 2 years. Sadly, my wife passed away a short time after our decision to recommit to the marriage and each other. I wish we had known about Retrouvaille, because I know it would have saved us much anguish and time.
When I remarried, my new wife came without kids and I had 3 girls. After about 2 years together, the turmoil caused by my kids and their inability to make peace with their mother's death and my remarriage had us thinking we had made a mistake despite the numerous signs that we were meant to be together. We heard about Retrouvaille and decided to give it a try. It saved our marriage!
Now, 8 years later, the kids are on their own and new turmoils have invaded our marriage. We decided that we needed a refresher and signed up to attend Retrouvaille again. We are now in the follow up sessions, and have found that our skills from our first Retrouvaille were not dead, just dormant. We are now on the road to recovery again, and this time we have decided that if it worked so well for us, why not get involved and bring it to our area where it currently does not exist. We are working with the Retrouvaille folks, our pastor, deacon, and others in the Parish to make Retrouvaille happen here. (Just before leaving for our latest Retrouvaille weekend, We were at the Parish office speaking with the pastoral assistant who handles Engaged Encounter (and also speaks with couples in trouble), that she had 5 couples she could send along with us! This cemented the idea of bringing this wonderful program here in our hearts and minds so we could share the helping hand that Retrouvaille with our friends and neighbors.
6 - victor
thanks for the post it is very nice read this because we are going this weekend to this progam (october 24 2008)I was very confident before but now I have no words to explain how my felings are after read your story it just give me the energy and hope that I am looking for ,since your case is similar to my from the point of view that my wife is also the one who does not feel love for me and again after this I have no excuse to stop fighting for my marriage even if she does not feel it
Thank you very much
7 - jjc
What a great story! I've heard the Retroveille is good but did think it could help us. Maybe it can. I know my wife wants to go so the next time it is in the area, it will be time to go.
8 - aa
After over a year of extreme marital stress, due in large part to my husband's mid-life crises, I have finally resigned myself to the idea that divorce may be my only respite. This is incredible to me, as we have been married for more than 20 years and I could be considered very Catholic. However, we did sign up for Retrouvaille before I lost hope. Reading this I am afraid to believe it will save our marriage, but I do hope if will lead to forgiveness. Thanks for this interesting story.