My now ex-husband did something rather uncharacteristic a couple of months ago in that he called me on the phone - and not just to discuss custody or child support. He wanted to know if I'd be interested in attending a marriage retreat. Of course I said absolutely not and hung up. I was disgusted with the suggestion and could not believe the audacity of this man to ask me this — of all things — when we’d already been down that road only to end up in divorce court. In my mind, it was because of his unwillingness to change anything.
We now live in different cities, so imagine my dismay when he showed up at my front door. He was insistent, but polite. I didn't let him in; we went out for coffee instead. I gave him five minutes to talk, and he did.
At the end of the five minutes, I tentatively agreed to attend the retreat because he not only described a relaxing environment, he also agreed to pay for it. Mostly, I wanted time away from work and children, and it would be a kind of closure for me to prove to him once and for all that our marriage never stood a chance because of his abject refusal to change.
I was determined that whatever he was trying to pull at that moment wasn’t going to work. I knew from years of living with him that any nice thing he did was temporary and would be followed by anger, deep emotional rejection, and more distance. I told him I was still too exhausted from that long haul, I was still healing, and mostly I saw no reason whatsoever to even consider his point of view when he could've changed at any time during all those years. It'd all been worked out in a court of law, and that was good enough for me. It was simply too late. I had nothing to offer but indifference.
I finally conceded to go only because I desperately needed time away from my own life and could not afford to do so. That I could eat food I didn't have to cook was a bonus. When he said he’d pay for the entire cost of the retreat, that sealed the deal. I would later find out no one is turned away from this particular retreat because of an inability to pay.
When we got there, I was surprised to find that, of the 30 couples in attendance, four of them were also divorced. Half of them were separated and came in different cars. Every marriage there was in trouble, and I couldn’t fathom what would compel a divorced couple to attend – other than the reason I was there. Still, I knew our marriage had been the worst and saw no reason to make any effort at all because of how bad it had been. I knew there was no chance of reconciliation and was only there for the rest.
Article comments
1 - Teri Centner
Wow.
2 - skeptic
(*Olencia is not her real name. It has been changed to protect her privacy and the privacy of the PR man who invented her.)
3 - Diana Hartman
wow, "skeptic"...try "cynic" instead...you may find it fits a little less tightly around the sore spots...
4 - Marlon
Nothing anyone posts after this should or could change what has happened for this couple.
Here's wishing them
Much love
and
Many happy years
5 - Larry
This program is wonderful! During my first marriage, there was turmoil generated by me having an affair. Although we finally reconciled to stay together and rebuild the marriage, it was a tough road over 2 years. Sadly, my wife passed away a short time after our decision to recommit to the marriage and each other. I wish we had known about Retrouvaille, because I know it would have saved us much anguish and time.
When I remarried, my new wife came without kids and I had 3 girls. After about 2 years together, the turmoil caused by my kids and their inability to make peace with their mother's death and my remarriage had us thinking we had made a mistake despite the numerous signs that we were meant to be together. We heard about Retrouvaille and decided to give it a try. It saved our marriage!
Now, 8 years later, the kids are on their own and new turmoils have invaded our marriage. We decided that we needed a refresher and signed up to attend Retrouvaille again. We are now in the follow up sessions, and have found that our skills from our first Retrouvaille were not dead, just dormant. We are now on the road to recovery again, and this time we have decided that if it worked so well for us, why not get involved and bring it to our area where it currently does not exist. We are working with the Retrouvaille folks, our pastor, deacon, and others in the Parish to make Retrouvaille happen here. (Just before leaving for our latest Retrouvaille weekend, We were at the Parish office speaking with the pastoral assistant who handles Engaged Encounter (and also speaks with couples in trouble), that she had 5 couples she could send along with us! This cemented the idea of bringing this wonderful program here in our hearts and minds so we could share the helping hand that Retrouvaille with our friends and neighbors.
6 - victor
thanks for the post it is very nice read this because we are going this weekend to this progam (october 24 2008)I was very confident before but now I have no words to explain how my felings are after read your story it just give me the energy and hope that I am looking for ,since your case is similar to my from the point of view that my wife is also the one who does not feel love for me and again after this I have no excuse to stop fighting for my marriage even if she does not feel it
Thank you very much
7 - jjc
What a great story! I've heard the Retroveille is good but did think it could help us. Maybe it can. I know my wife wants to go so the next time it is in the area, it will be time to go.
8 - aa
After over a year of extreme marital stress, due in large part to my husband's mid-life crises, I have finally resigned myself to the idea that divorce may be my only respite. This is incredible to me, as we have been married for more than 20 years and I could be considered very Catholic. However, we did sign up for Retrouvaille before I lost hope. Reading this I am afraid to believe it will save our marriage, but I do hope if will lead to forgiveness. Thanks for this interesting story.