In December of 2005, I related the story of my friend, Olencia*. She had struggled for most of her 15-year marriage, living without sex and eventually without love. Many dollars spent on years of individual and marital counseling, a marital retreat, seminars, books, and everything the Internet had to offer on the subject left her completely drained and devoid of any answers. Her husband’s distance was relentless, her every effort was for naught, and their marriage was dead in the water.
She wrestled with the decision to file for separation, and was beside herself when she finally resigned to divorce. Her marriage ended amiably enough in that both of them, with nothing left to give the marriage, were too exhausted to do anything more than sign the papers.
As her friend, I was supportive of whatever decision she made because I knew how dark and tumultuous her marriage had been and the toll it took on the entire family. As a wife, I hoped they would find some kind of resolution because I am painfully aware of the cost of divorce, both financially and emotionally.
Shortly after she divorced, Olencia had said she would provide me with a follow-up that I could in turn share with all those who had read the story of her disastrous marriage. True to her word, I received the letter I hoped would contain some measure of solace and peace of mind. It did, but not for any of the reasons I thought it would.
For years, we’d both heard it and said it ourselves: If only one person in a marriage is willing to makes changes, there’s still hope. In direct, if not assaulting, contradiction to this useless platitude, I took one very important lesson from her letter: A marriage is two people, not one person. Therefore, it will always take two to tango.
Here then, is the rest of Olencia’s story – so far:
I hope you will read all the way through even though it is quite long. I would ask, too, that you not jump ahead. It’s important to me that you understand how I got to each point, and how I ended up where I did. Without all of this, the end result will make little sense.
As you know, I struggled for years and years with my husband. Our relationship started out so strong, and it became a farce so quickly. I lived in a lonely, dark, cold, and desperate marriage without love and sex until we separated and eventually divorced. The dollar cost notwithstanding, the emotional devastation has been incalculable. That said, the freedom and relief of getting out from under that blanket of despair is indescribable and did much to temper the pain of the divorce itself. Mostly it was the relief. I had no idea how heavy the weight of that marriage was until it was no longer my burden.
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - Teri Centner
Wow.
2 - skeptic
(*Olencia is not her real name. It has been changed to protect her privacy and the privacy of the PR man who invented her.)
3 - Diana Hartman
wow, "skeptic"...try "cynic" instead...you may find it fits a little less tightly around the sore spots...
4 - Marlon
Nothing anyone posts after this should or could change what has happened for this couple.
Here's wishing them
Much love
and
Many happy years
5 - Larry
This program is wonderful! During my first marriage, there was turmoil generated by me having an affair. Although we finally reconciled to stay together and rebuild the marriage, it was a tough road over 2 years. Sadly, my wife passed away a short time after our decision to recommit to the marriage and each other. I wish we had known about Retrouvaille, because I know it would have saved us much anguish and time.
When I remarried, my new wife came without kids and I had 3 girls. After about 2 years together, the turmoil caused by my kids and their inability to make peace with their mother's death and my remarriage had us thinking we had made a mistake despite the numerous signs that we were meant to be together. We heard about Retrouvaille and decided to give it a try. It saved our marriage!
Now, 8 years later, the kids are on their own and new turmoils have invaded our marriage. We decided that we needed a refresher and signed up to attend Retrouvaille again. We are now in the follow up sessions, and have found that our skills from our first Retrouvaille were not dead, just dormant. We are now on the road to recovery again, and this time we have decided that if it worked so well for us, why not get involved and bring it to our area where it currently does not exist. We are working with the Retrouvaille folks, our pastor, deacon, and others in the Parish to make Retrouvaille happen here. (Just before leaving for our latest Retrouvaille weekend, We were at the Parish office speaking with the pastoral assistant who handles Engaged Encounter (and also speaks with couples in trouble), that she had 5 couples she could send along with us! This cemented the idea of bringing this wonderful program here in our hearts and minds so we could share the helping hand that Retrouvaille with our friends and neighbors.
6 - victor
thanks for the post it is very nice read this because we are going this weekend to this progam (october 24 2008)I was very confident before but now I have no words to explain how my felings are after read your story it just give me the energy and hope that I am looking for ,since your case is similar to my from the point of view that my wife is also the one who does not feel love for me and again after this I have no excuse to stop fighting for my marriage even if she does not feel it
Thank you very much
7 - jjc
What a great story! I've heard the Retroveille is good but did think it could help us. Maybe it can. I know my wife wants to go so the next time it is in the area, it will be time to go.
8 - aa
After over a year of extreme marital stress, due in large part to my husband's mid-life crises, I have finally resigned myself to the idea that divorce may be my only respite. This is incredible to me, as we have been married for more than 20 years and I could be considered very Catholic. However, we did sign up for Retrouvaille before I lost hope. Reading this I am afraid to believe it will save our marriage, but I do hope if will lead to forgiveness. Thanks for this interesting story.
9 - dmp
Hi, we just finished our Retroveille weekend this past weekend. I don't know where it will lead us, we learned a tool (dialogue). I am honestly still skeptical if it will help us, we might be a different sort of case, I don't know. We have 7 follow up sessions to go to now. We live together with our two very young children at this time as we did before the weekend. I have hope, I did learn more about my husband. Retroveille helped us, as we are not religious either, but I think it helped.
10 - Again
The program works!!..if, you do the work and want it to. My husband and I just completed the program for the second time. The first time left us with such a feeling of euphoria that I suppose we thought we were cured. Although we had attended the follow up sessions, it wasn't long before we let "life" interfere. Always excuses. Kids, work, his family, my family. Then I found out he was having affair. I felt devastated, stupid and used. We had already shared and been through a lot together. Out of respect for our past and our kids, we decided to give our marriage and the retreat another try knowing it would be more difficult than the first time because we had already been given the tools and failed each other and ourselves. I decided I needed to shove my pride and pain away to see if anything was there to be saved. We went to the retreat a second time. We just finished. It stresses the need to leave the past in the past but acknowledges that one does not always forget the past. It stresses that healing is an ongoing journey that can be taken together. Our problems always begin when we stop sharing. The program has helped us to both understand our roles in the success or failure of our marriage. I want to heal and he does, too. This time we vow to do the work. Wish us luck!!!
11 - ivan
Hi, I have read so much about retrouvaille. i am told it has helped many a hurting couple. A program like this is what is needed in our area in india
12 - Happy Again
Shawn and Kim Doyle are the Retrouvaille International Expansion Team. Perhaps a representative of your Catholic Diocese might make the initial contact with them; they can be reached by email at sdoyle32@comcast.net. Retrouvaille saved our marriage in 1991...we now operate under God's definition of love (patient, kind, etc.) and have been ministering to each other and other couples ever since!
13 - Mary
What an amazing story. I hope that my husband and I will be able to attend a seminar soon, because we definitely need to. I just pray it works for us.
14 - Sam
My Wife & I attended the Retrouvaille Program and for years since we volunteered to help keep it running and available... so we very much would like to hear something about how things worked out for this divorced couple... the rest of Olencia’s story which began late in 2005. Is it likely this will happen on this "blog"?
15 - diana hartman
Sam, if Olencia sends me an update to be posted, it will be posted here on Blogcritics with links to this and the first article.
16 - Janet K.
My husband and I are getting ready to attend Retrouvaille October 8th. We have been living apart for 2 months now. I only hope this works half as well for us as it did for the couple written about. We still love each other and say so everyday but things have gotten in the way. divorce is a hard road to even consider traveling. I wish everyone the best in whatever road you choose. My thought on Retrouvaille is why not give it one last chance?
17 - Lisa C.
No one has to believe me but this question is really for a friend...What if her husband of 40 years absolutely refuses to attend? Any suggestions?
18 - jj
My Retrouville weekend just ended yesterday. I can tell you. What this lady expressed on her letter its VERY true. Now I have a hope that none counselor could give it to me. I was tired the always message well it could work, but it may not work.. It just of matter of time. You are always on the 50/50 chance. I wanted to get hope that we could save our marriage. Like She said I do not know what the destiny is saving for us, but at this moment I am working for my marriage and my family with very strong and good tools this retreat provided to me. There is nothing more important that your family. Give it a try , it worked on us and most of the 20 couples that were there. Believe me I did not fail to my marriage. We are human and human makes mistakes. Actually, it could be nice if the got a picture of the group on Friday night and another last Sunday evening heheh. It was a TOTALLY different environment. I believe there is not bad marriage o couple ..just BAD communication...
19 - diana hartman
jj,
I'm so glad to hear your weekend went well. I wish you all the best, and strength and love in the coming weeks.
Diana
20 - Jane
It is true that Retrouvaille can repair bad communication. We did a Retrouvaille weekend and it helped. Honestly the problems in our marraige did not change until we truly sought the Lord and brought him into the marriage. We did a weekend back in 03 and it was a great step. But if Jesus Christ is not your foundation then you need to revisit that part of your life, individually and as a couple. We left Catholicism and joined a non-demonination Bible based church and both of us experienced the miracle of God changing us from the inside out! Our marriage has never been better. The change we experienced was nothing but the divine work of God. I learned how to live as a godly wife. And my husband who had actually left me for another woman...who was liar....a cheater...just about everything you could imagine....was quickened by God... He is a different person and he lives for God...We both do.. no longer for ourselves. We put God first and then our marriage. I had to deal with me and my relationship with God so He could deal with me and my husband. I wish I could spend all day giving you the details but believe me when I say it was only the miracle of God that brought us back together. Seek God first...truly seek him, join a bible study...Once you do that God does the rest... But yes Retrouvaille is a blessing...don't expect it to save your marriage...expect GOD to!
21 - An
I'm hoping that Retrouvaille can help my marriage. It's the last resort! 25 years of a wonderful happy marriage and then he made contact with his ex on Face book and things have not been the same since then. I can feel he does not love me anymore! This past year has been a nightmare.
22 - Ang.
To Diana Hartman:
As a personal friend of "Olencia", would you consider contacting her in the hope that an update to her 2005 Retrouvaille experience might be shared with you and in turn with us?
23 - Kathy
There's been no posts in a long time, but this story has given me hope. 25 years of marriage and now 4 month of separation. Nothing in common - don't talk - no trust - lot's of hurt - I'm a Christian - he's a who knows what. We are doing the program in 4 weeks. God help us.
24 - paola
A pamphlet about retrouville fell in my hands while attending mya cathgolic church in vegas. 5 years later, after I had just asked God during mass, to help me save my marriage, the retouville representative at a church in south america where we both live at the moment, invited anyone in a troubled marriage to attend their introductory meeting this coming wednesday. Coincidense or God's work, I will not let the opportunity pass once again. I'm excited to c what this program can do for my marriage. Would be nice to hear from Olencia again...
25 - 3C
Just attended a Retrouvaille weekend and it is indeed a Godsend. When comparing the change in both my husband and I as individuals and as a couple, it is profound. And that is just from the weekend. We are looking forward to the post-sessions and the good it will bring to our relationship. You can see it in other couples as well; their interaction towards each other and the change in their body language and facial expressions. Hope replaces despair, courage replaces defeat, love resurges back. Of course, it does not come without hard work and perseverance but the fact that someone can show you that the possibilities are endless and it was such a simple solution was priceless. They should have this sort of retreat for every stage of marriage, honeymoon stage, after the honeymoon stage, when children come along, when children start school and there is an emptiness, etc... They should be teaching this at school so people know how to treat other people. I urge anyone who is at any stage of the breakdown of a marriage to try it...it will not hurt but only help.