In December of 2005, I related the story of my friend, Olencia*. She had struggled for most of her 15-year marriage, living without sex and eventually without love. Many dollars spent on years of individual and marital counseling, a marital retreat, seminars, books, and everything the Internet had to offer on the subject left her completely drained and devoid of any answers. Her husband’s distance was relentless, her every effort was for naught, and their marriage was dead in the water.
She wrestled with the decision to file for separation, and was beside herself when she finally resigned to divorce. Her marriage ended amiably enough in that both of them, with nothing left to give the marriage, were too exhausted to do anything more than sign the papers.
As her friend, I was supportive of whatever decision she made because I knew how dark and tumultuous her marriage had been and the toll it took on the entire family. As a wife, I hoped they would find some kind of resolution because I am painfully aware of the cost of divorce, both financially and emotionally.
Shortly after she divorced, Olencia had said she would provide me with a follow-up that I could in turn share with all those who had read the story of her disastrous marriage. True to her word, I received the letter I hoped would contain some measure of solace and peace of mind. It did, but not for any of the reasons I thought it would.
For years, we’d both heard it and said it ourselves: If only one person in a marriage is willing to makes changes, there’s still hope. In direct, if not assaulting, contradiction to this useless platitude, I took one very important lesson from her letter: A marriage is two people, not one person. Therefore, it will always take two to tango.
Here then, is the rest of Olencia’s story – so far:
I hope you will read all the way through even though it is quite long. I would ask, too, that you not jump ahead. It’s important to me that you understand how I got to each point, and how I ended up where I did. Without all of this, the end result will make little sense.
As you know, I struggled for years and years with my husband. Our relationship started out so strong, and it became a farce so quickly. I lived in a lonely, dark, cold, and desperate marriage without love and sex until we separated and eventually divorced. The dollar cost notwithstanding, the emotional devastation has been incalculable. That said, the freedom and relief of getting out from under that blanket of despair is indescribable and did much to temper the pain of the divorce itself. Mostly it was the relief. I had no idea how heavy the weight of that marriage was until it was no longer my burden.
Article comments
1 - Teri Centner
Wow.
2 - skeptic
(*Olencia is not her real name. It has been changed to protect her privacy and the privacy of the PR man who invented her.)
3 - Diana Hartman
wow, "skeptic"...try "cynic" instead...you may find it fits a little less tightly around the sore spots...
4 - Marlon
Nothing anyone posts after this should or could change what has happened for this couple.
Here's wishing them
Much love
and
Many happy years
5 - Larry
This program is wonderful! During my first marriage, there was turmoil generated by me having an affair. Although we finally reconciled to stay together and rebuild the marriage, it was a tough road over 2 years. Sadly, my wife passed away a short time after our decision to recommit to the marriage and each other. I wish we had known about Retrouvaille, because I know it would have saved us much anguish and time.
When I remarried, my new wife came without kids and I had 3 girls. After about 2 years together, the turmoil caused by my kids and their inability to make peace with their mother's death and my remarriage had us thinking we had made a mistake despite the numerous signs that we were meant to be together. We heard about Retrouvaille and decided to give it a try. It saved our marriage!
Now, 8 years later, the kids are on their own and new turmoils have invaded our marriage. We decided that we needed a refresher and signed up to attend Retrouvaille again. We are now in the follow up sessions, and have found that our skills from our first Retrouvaille were not dead, just dormant. We are now on the road to recovery again, and this time we have decided that if it worked so well for us, why not get involved and bring it to our area where it currently does not exist. We are working with the Retrouvaille folks, our pastor, deacon, and others in the Parish to make Retrouvaille happen here. (Just before leaving for our latest Retrouvaille weekend, We were at the Parish office speaking with the pastoral assistant who handles Engaged Encounter (and also speaks with couples in trouble), that she had 5 couples she could send along with us! This cemented the idea of bringing this wonderful program here in our hearts and minds so we could share the helping hand that Retrouvaille with our friends and neighbors.
6 - victor
thanks for the post it is very nice read this because we are going this weekend to this progam (october 24 2008)I was very confident before but now I have no words to explain how my felings are after read your story it just give me the energy and hope that I am looking for ,since your case is similar to my from the point of view that my wife is also the one who does not feel love for me and again after this I have no excuse to stop fighting for my marriage even if she does not feel it
Thank you very much
7 - jjc
What a great story! I've heard the Retroveille is good but did think it could help us. Maybe it can. I know my wife wants to go so the next time it is in the area, it will be time to go.
8 - aa
After over a year of extreme marital stress, due in large part to my husband's mid-life crises, I have finally resigned myself to the idea that divorce may be my only respite. This is incredible to me, as we have been married for more than 20 years and I could be considered very Catholic. However, we did sign up for Retrouvaille before I lost hope. Reading this I am afraid to believe it will save our marriage, but I do hope if will lead to forgiveness. Thanks for this interesting story.