Has texting affected our economy?
Dr. Gutenberg: We poured over our satellite photos from last year and discovered that last fall’s presidential election created a tsunami of texting, which affected many of our low-lying areas. The surge from this perfect, texting storm kept people from spending, which plunged our nation into a recession. The exception to this, of course, has been cell phone sales.
Why is texting more dangerous than global warming?
Dr. Gutenberg: At a recent conference in Las Vegas, scientists from all over the world shared their findings and data. This sharing led to several discoveries.
First of all, every cell phone generates a small magnetic field. As more and more people on the planet buy cell phones, these small magnetic fields could combine and become one large magnetic field. This huge magnetic field could pull a large asteroid into a collision course with our planet and kill us all. Our last text message might read, "Oh, $***!"
How much trouble are we in?
Dr. Gutenberg: We need to make the American people and the world aware that we are in the middle of a texting pandemic. This disease — graphic interruptus — is spreading rapidly. We don’t know yet if it is spread through contact or is airborne. It will take years to develop a vaccine. Abstinence programs have proven to be ineffective.
What can we do to stop this pandemic of texting?
Dr. Gutenberg: New solutions will have to be established. For example, thick gloves that prevent you from pressing individual cell phone keys will be mandatory attire. Polarized glasses that prevent you from reading cell phone screens will have to be issued and worn. Some areas, like Starbucks and Wynot, Nebraska, will have to be quarantined. Most importantly, we will have to stop teaching our children to read and write.
Thank you, Dr. Gutenberg. It’s been an honor.
Article comments
1 - Robert M. Barga
...
2 - The Crow
?
3 - Irene Wagner
gud rtcl
4 - roger nowosielski
Irene,
You should read "The Phantom Menace," Politics section. Great writing, and I'm certain you'll appreciate it.
5 - The Crow
Thanks, Irene!
6 - The Crow
Roger, are you referring to the book version of the Star Wars movie? Or something else?
7 - roger nowosielski
No, Crow, just an article published in the Politics section. Sorry I used your thread to get her attention.
8 - Ma rk
TC, don't thank Irene. Thank god that lent's over so that she can comment again in good conscience.
9 - The Crow
No problem, Roger. I'm new to this and still trying to figure everything out.
10 - roger nowosielski
You may come to regret what you wish for, Mark. She can be very unyielding.
11 - Mar k
(Rog, I've always appreciated her expression of her pov even when I disagree.)
12 - roger nowosielski
Same here - especially given her eloquence and literacy.